Andrea Gibson---can I get a hell yes?

So the other day, I had my first time with a spectacularly talented women named Andrea Gibson---the first time to hear someone recite a poem so powerfully it made me cry. I am not talking tearing up a little bit, I am talking tears falling all over Chinese homework I was failing to focus on. And this was not even a live reading! This was me watching it on the magical youtube. If I watched her live I probably would have ripped my heart out, gift wrapped it, and presented it to her. It was an amazing experience, one left me inspired.

Andrea Gibson an activist, and overall badass, was the 2008 winner of the Women of the World Poetry slam in Detroit, a four time Denver Grand Slam champion, and placed third at both the 2006 and 2007 Individual World Poetry Slam (according to good 'ol Wiki.) But this is not about the awards she has won, it is about her words, her poetry, and her delivery. Because in slam poetry it is about the delivery---and damn this women delivers! My good lord, does she deliver!

So I wanted to share one of her poems (and some others if you are interested) with you called "Birthday." Powerful. Crying powerful.

Quite funny. About gender, titled "Swing-set."

Intense. But indeed one of the best art pieces about United States militarism, titled "For Eli."

Funny, beautiful, love poem, "How it Ends."

An amazing yet very painful poem. "Blue Blanket" the best and most powerful line of this poem is the last line.

Bottom line: Andrea Gibson too cool for school (however she still preforms at them.) Speaking of performances, she is currently touring and will be in my town Portland, Or on the 20th of November at the Q center! Portlanders, for the love of awesome, go and see her. I really really really wish I could be there. And could someone get her autograph for me?

面子並不是免費的！Oh, You Want to Race? Face isn't Free Bitches!

I have a dirty, dirty pleasure, and I guarantee it ain't what you're thinking. I will get straight to the point: I like unofficially racing Taiwanese guys at the track and kicking their ass. Recently nothing makes me feel more satisfied (with the possible exception of Taro, caramel milk tea, 芋頭+奶茶+焦糖=爽！)...and that is quite possibly because I am NOT getting laid.

But regardless. That is where I am at right now in life. But I swear to god it is so fucking satisfying. Satisfying just like when I walk a half mile from class in 95 degree humid-as-fuck heat and then get home and 吹冷氣 sit in air conditioning and watch Taiwanese dramas. But racing， kicking ass at running, this sort of satisfaction runs deeper than feeling relief from the stiflingly hot weather here.

So lately I have been a freak about exercising. I do it every day. And most recently I have been running 4-6 miles everyday, which I know might not be excellent for my body, but I doing ok now and without injury so I am thinking my body can handle it.

And recently I have been surprised---very surprised. On good days I am averaging 10 minute miles or less on 5 mile runs, which means I am in the kind of shape I was in high school when I was running cross country. YAY. Surprised. See what happens when I don't smoke pot and drink beer everyday?

But anyway, when I go to the track to run there is almost always a dude that wants to race. And you might say, how do you know he wants to race? Does he say, "lets race!" No. But it is a big track---and when you wait until I come right next to and then start running beside me or run slightly in front of me...well, in my mind, (since I am a competitive tiger-woman when it comes to running) that means you want to see who is faster.

And in my delusional-ass mind in the Taiwan championship running championship, I am the motha-fucking champion. Undefeated. Bring it on Little Wang, you want race? You want to loose face? That is my specialty. No I am kidding. Sorta kidding.

But truly, almost everytime I go to the track to run (verses the gym) I run into a guy that wants to "race." Not run beside me and talk, no, he wants to run slightly ahead of me and feel manly. Feel manly for a little while, until he discovers that I keep this pace for miles and miles, not just two laps. I am evil, and cocky. More cocky than evil, but they don't call me Katie JohnCOCK for nothing.

Here is how it usually goes, this example just happened the last time I went to the track: a man in his late 20s early 30s comes to the track. He is sorta stretching and I notice he is watching me, but that is not a very strange situation for me because I am apparently very interesting to the folks (meaning a bulk of the Taiwanese here.) But anywho, after about two miles the gentlemen waits until I run past and starts running and blows past me, and he is about 100M ahead of me. And I am like, "right on pops."

But his pace is ubber erratic so I catch up to him after a while and am about to pass him, when he speeds up. And I think this is funny. Because at this point in my competitive tiger-woman mind this means you are looking compete. And I am like alright dude...I still have 3 miles and this always makes my run WAY more interesting. So I do what I never could do when I ran track (because I was like no, I need to be ahead of the competition) I stayed about 6 or so meters or so behind him. And the poor man is speeding up and slowing down, huffing and puffing and I am listening to lady gaga and singing. And after two miles he stops puts his hands on his knees hunched over. And I run by him...without saying anything like sissy (i do know how to say in Chinese) so I feel like I am a good person on that note. I finish my last mile while he quickly leaves the track without stretching.

And that is usually how it goes. They wait until I have run about two or more miles and then decide they want to race...ok they want to run slightly in front of me. And man it is so satisfying to either 1.) Watch them give up miserably. 2.) After 3 or 4 laps pass them while singing "beautiful dirty rich" by lady gaga.

This is my dirty pleasure. And I realize that this slightly delusion, pseudo macho satisfaction is due to a few factors.

1.)I am inherently very competitive when it comes to running.
2.)I have a lot of pent up energy of all sorts. Too much time in the classroom studying Chinese...and too many Chinese idioms...along with not getting...well you know.
3.) Studying a language (or any skill that needs real world practical application) you go to use what you learn in real life simple situations and you fail. And then you fail again. And eventually you succeed. But after you fail a few (or many) times. So that said, I am used to making mistakes and feeling like a looser face. Winning at the track....is a fresh, welcomed feeling.
4.) Taiwanese guys, mostly young college guys, stare and laugh nervously at me. I am used to lots of shit here. Taiwanese tend to be more shy. And I can accept that. Including strangers talking about nose, talking about me in front of me (because they think I don't understand Chinese) and the like. And I am used to this factor to. But the reason it makes me slightly perturbed is because I want to yell out, "you little bitches, come talk to me. OMG! You see me every day and the best you can do is get quiet when i walk by and giggle? How fucking old are you? Are you in fucking middle school? It is called saying, "hello." And in fact some of them are cute so it is double annoying. And why don't I say hi? I do sometimes but who wants to greet a pack of Taiwanese dudes that are laughing at you. Not welcoming.

******
So I showed my ugly side.

I haven't been to the track in a week. Although the sex life is the same, the bitterness has subsided and I don't feel the need to compete with my male peers in running. However, I can't guarantee that this is permanent feeling. I am thinking the best idea is to enter a 5k race. Get this excess energy out. I don't need to be calling Taiwanese dudes sissys. A bit unfair, no? Yes. Especially when I know a Taiwanese body builder (a friend from the gym) who really looks like he is made out of marble. He is also painfully shy...but heck he still talks to me. :-)

So what I am saying is: Taiwanese boys and men, when it comes down to it, you (along with the whole world of XY chroms)hold a special place in my heart. And outside of my blog (written while on runner's high)I will not think of you as a sissy.

BUT: you would stop giggling at me and start being like, "what up? Want to drink some tea and eat a duck head? “ 江同學，你要不要一起喝杯茶，吃個鴨頭？好不好？” 阿強，I would be fucking delighted.

Listen to me， acting like I have never been approached by a Taiwanese guy, 我真是的！

*****
Reading this I do realize the tone and implied appraisal of both, race and gender in this post.

Your comments are welcome.

Under my Umbrella: Everything I know About Parasols and 入境隨俗

And today we are going to talk about beauty standards in Taiwan, bullying, and my parasol-carrying-gangsta ass. How does that sound? Boring? It seems like it wouldn't have many layers but I think it does, and I want to talk about it.

So when I first arrived to Taiwan, early September, the weather was pretty hot. 80 sometimes pushing 90 and humid as fuck. And yet I would still see local ladies wearing jeans and a sweater. Sometimes they would also be wearing a hat, face mask, and carrying a parasol (that my friends, is the most extreme you will see.) And I am like...how do they not melt? I am melting in a tank top and shorts. I thought they were vampires. For real. (And a side note: I actually think that would be a really sexy drama: an island of Taiwanese-lady vampires. Student by day, blood sucking diva by night. Oh shit yeah. Go to the night market eat pigs blood cakes and then get your own blood feasted upon by a group of high school girls. YES!)

So later I was told that it is because Taiwanese gals don't like to tan. The whiter the skin the better. Than I noticed when I went to buy sunscreen I had to try really hard to find the kind that didn't have whitener (skin bleaching product) in it. Same goes for face wash and lotions. Must be super careful or else you end up using a product that is really harsh (perhaps dangerous) on your skin.

So after about a month it becomes apparent what the beauty standards are for women here. Just like most industrialized capitalist countries, complete with their predatory marketing, within a day, with a good sociologist eye, one can know what the standard of beauty is in a day. Really, just like the USA or anywhere in Europe.

But regardless that this is just another form of patriarchal beauty standards, the same kind of shit I tried to resist in the US, I had an extremely adverse reaction to these behaviors (carrying a parasol, buying whiting cream) anyway. I did the thing where I just blamed Taiwanese girls themselves, I was like, "dumb girls. What the fuck? You look like you need to go outside, exercise, and eat a fucking steak." I really said that. I am going to be honest here, no shame.

This was at a point in my time here in Taiwan where I was experiencing temporary insanity, also known as "culture shock." It is a real thing. And everyone deals with it in a different way. But here is what I will say about *my* experience with culture shock:

My perception was fucked. The (very loose) definition of mental illness is you are divorced from reality. From my own experience, I would say culture shock is a mental illness. Everything I saw, I just made assumptions. 疑神疑鬼 (I don't know if I can use that 俗語 here but it was like suspecting everything about Taiwanese culture was fundamentally fucked and possibly inferior to my own culture.) These blind assumptions turned into convictions, therefore divorcing me from reality. And it made Taiwan a living hell. Really. Almost took my mentally ill-ass back to the states.

It was pretty much one of the most intense experience of my lifetime. But you know how I got over the culture shock? 1.)Drinking tons of water and fresh fruit juice flushing out this bad outlook and 2.) more importantly, admitting that I probably misunderstood a few (fundamental) things about this place. And that I needed to start over, allowing for a new perception. It was a little more complex than that...most of all it just took time. But y'all get the general idea.

In case you don't feel me, ready for a metaphor? Cliche? ME? Nah! Getting used to living in a foreign country, to be specific, my experience in Taiwan has been like breaking in a new shoe. It could be any kind of shoe, but for me it was a sexy-ass high heal. So lets say, you are so excited to wear this sexy-ass heal...damn so sexy. Beyond the sexiness, when you tried it on in the store and it was quite comfortable and everyone (friends you went shopping with, store employee) assured you it was a good shoe. A perfect fit.

You buy the shoes, excitedly put them on and wear them a whole day. And then you discover an ugly truth. These shoes aren't comfortable, in fact these shoes are fucking painful. Your opinion of this shoe does a 260 and you never want to wear these fucking shoes again. And not only do you want to throw the shoes in the river, but you want to buy a different pair, a better fitting pair. Not only that, you also want to announce to the world how shitty these shoes are, warn your friends and family never to buy this type of shoe.

But instead, you just take the shoes off. Rest for a day, let the wounds and blisters on your feet heal. And when you put them on again, the pain is not so acute. And you start to wear the heals this way: when they hurt too much take them off, but when the wounds heal you continue to put those bitches back on.

And eventually, (after approximately 3 months) the shoes not only don't hurt, but you are wearing like and walking like a diva in the streets of Taiwan, waltzing passed spit out betel nut 檳榔 , pirouetting through parked scooters. Why go from hating the style to diva style? Because your feet are actually more flexible than you think, and they also callus. Where the shoe used to hit and cause pain is now accustomed and pain is replaced with a whole new sensation.

So, I am going to get back to beauty standards and parasols and bullying. Eventually. But I think it is important to highlight this aspect of culture shock and getting accustomed to a place. And bring up this awesome Chinese Idiom 成語 : 入境隨俗 (Ru Jing Sui Su) which is often translated into English as "when in Rome do as the Romans do." But in Chinese, this idiom has nothing to do with Rome. But it is about this: When entering a place or new culture you should pick up some of the habits. It ain't a bad thing. The more flexible you are (just like your feet in heals) the easier you become accustomed. And when you become more accustomed the better you can learn about the people, place, and culture. And this works better than being stubborn and making false assumptions about what a culture or place is all about (like I did in the beginning.)

Flash back to beauty standards in Taiwan. So yeah, white skin and the extremes some Taiwanese women go to achieve this. Well, it sticks out to the foreign (READ: western) eye. Just like well, just like about EVERYTHING else. Do you see packs of stray dogs in the US? Or a man washing vegetables you are about to eat in the street? Really. Shit sticks as different. As if you are in a foreign country or something

So, what I want to argue here is that the beauty standards in Taiwan, specifically the white skin thing, although is problematic, has the same implications as beauty standards in the US or any other country.

Before I was like oh how these girls pitifully agree to oppression, how can they be this obsessed with white skin? But after adjusting my 看法 way of looking at things I was like, well my country has this same kind of phenomena, it is just less apparent because I am used to it.

Let us take the same subject: skin color. In the states, girls and their tan skin lust. I will say, I ain't hatin' one bit, but is this not the same idea? Spending lots of money to go to the tanner, buying self-tanner creams (that may or may not turn you orange if you buy the wrong kind), bronzers, siting in the sun religiously everyday, so on and so forth.

So yeah, same idea, going out of ones way to alter their appearance for the sake of lookin good. In doing so not only spending one's dollars, but also possibly endangering one's health (whitening creams, tanning too often.) And is there anything wrong with that? Well, I guess that is how you look at it. I personally really don't think it is good or bad.

Following society's beauty standards is not always vapid or shallow, it often has other layers to it. For example, I know a lot of American women who have expressed that tanning is a form of relaxation for them. Or the fact that by protecting themselves from the sun Taiwanese gals actually are protecting themselves from skin cancer and over-exposure.

But in the end, either way, if a woman chooses to participate in patriarchal beauty standards does not make her oppressed, stupid, shallow or the like. People are not one dimensional, each and every one of us are complete with souls, and everyone has their reasons for colluding in hard-to-reach, 麻煩 troublesome beauty standards.

Also to note on race. If white skin is beautiful than black skin must be....well,yes you get it. And is racism a problem in Taiwan? Yes. Is racism a problem in other countries around the world? Yes. And from my experience in the US I find that racism is more sneaky under the guise of (we are cool with race here, I have black friends you know.) and it makes it almost more intense because it is harder to articulate the problem than it is here in Taiwan. But this aspect is another blog post all together. Racism and systematic oppression based on race: check and check. :-(

But in the end: women all over the world go through masochistic, self-inflicted pain to try to be what society deems perfect. And to try to compare which country's women are worse off is a fruitless comparison. Comparing experiences of oppression really is not the most useful way of understand oppression and how it functions.

How to understand oppression? Well, first off one must take out the shame in the fact that sometimes we all (and I mean everybody) participate and collude in systems of oppression (just ask bell hookshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_hooks.) For example some of us participate in crazy beauty standards, in an essence supporting them. And I ain't going to get all feminist analysis on yo' ass, but for real y'all, the more we take shame out of the equation the more we can talk about the issues at hand. Because shame is always used by the oppressor to keep those oppressed from talking about our own reality. So yeah, no shame you go to the tanner everyday! Should you stop because it is oppressive? Well that is not question for anyone else but that very person to answer. Is it even considered oppressive? Also up to that person to answer.

I am going feminist on ya. This is going to get too complicated. What I am getting at is: don't judge y'all. You can have your own feelings ways of behaving reagaridng certain aspects of beauty standards, but there is no need to place judgement and blame on others. Know what I mean yo?

***

So yeah I carry a parasol, like a Taiwanese girl. 入境隨俗 Doing like the Romans do.

Do I value the Taiwanese beauty standards as if they were my own? Well, in short, no. I didn't grow up here. I have not seen whiteness as a symbol of beauty my whole life.

But I did grow up knowing that young skin is good. And wrinkles...no woman wants wrinkles. *so the man says* Yeah I have been worried about premature aging since middle school....sunscreen is must for me yo.

But yeah, I get to Taiwan, and I start getting wrinkles. And beyond on that, Taiwanese (and Asians in general) tend to look fricken young. So with that in mind, when the locals guess my age here they guess....28. I am fucking 23! God damn it all!

And here sunscreen melts off me. And even with sunscreen on over exposure to the sun can still damage your skin and is bad for your health. So yeah, hence the parasol. So if anyone was wondering, that is my reason. I don't want premature aging or skin cancer.

In the end is the parasol carring related to beauty standards? Fuck yes (I don't want to age prematurely.) Am I ok with that? Yes. Even if the parasol will not prevent aging (because guess what? aging is natural) it makes me feel secure. Very secure and proactive. And guess what else? Like a motha fucking diva! Seriously! Like oh I am a lady...the sun, oh it is just too much for me. hee hehe. It just keeps getting "worse" and "worse" right?

Nah. I will say it again. Whatever works for you. This makes me feel secure about my self, and I am doing it. What of it? When I find that parasol becomes an oppressive force (and I become so obsessed with premature aging that I really start to sacrifice my health) then I will ditch it. But as of now, the sun umbrella,known as a parasol (although my doubles for rain as well) is a happy addition to my life on a tropical island.

Word.

So, a word to the bullying. Yeah a fellow international student said she "felt bad for me." Because apparently I have turned into a Taiwanese girl who carries a parasol for fear of turning dark. She also had a very disgusted look on her face. Maybe it was lost in translation (English not being her mother language) but uh, no need to feel bad for me yo. Me or the Taiwanese girls here. They don't care if you think it is strange they carry parasols, they will do it regardless. As will I. And really no need to feel bad for me. Life is good. A wrinkle or two has not at all taken away from my daily marvel of life.

Do I care? Well, I didn't like being bullied like I was in middle school again. I am just going to eat at the school cafe and some person gets all disgusted because I am carrying a parasol. But I get it yo. I also at one point (culture shock) have thought that the parasol carrying thing was kind of pathetic. But maybe my blog post can clear things up a bit or give some food for thought. Maybe not. But yo, yo, parasol carrying Taiwanese girls and me aren't actually pitiful. Indeed, no more pitiful than our make-up wearing sisters. Ya dig?

Also, I have used the word "diva" a lot in this post.

你 真 可 愛！You are so cute!

Here in Kaohsiung there aren't many foreign people. So, its not uncommon for people here to take pictures of foreigners (many of them ask first, but I have definitely heard of instants where they don't.) or stare. Being a dancer and performer all my life, I am quite the attention whore, so this kind of thing normally doesn't bother me. In fact it is quite a head trip to be a minority for the first time in my life. Although I would be lying if I didn't say that on the bad days, after a really bad Chinese class, or when I am frustrated at my low level of Chinese, the staring will get to me. Sometime the gawking (especially older men) is followed by "blah blah blah...外 國 人 (foreigner)...or 美 國 人 (United Statesian...I think I made this word up, but I like it better than American) blah blah blah." Since my Chinese is at the level of a 5 year old, I really only catch words, not whole sentences. These could be nice, could be mean, could be sexy, could be demeaning, could be scary. This is a feeling of powerlessness, that on the bad days, can make you want to cry.

But this, my friends, is rare. I don't at all want at all to paint a picture that the Taiwanese are all just curious and want to talk smack about foreigners. The young people, especially those on campus are not all that interested. Furthermore, the Taiwanese friends I have are helpful, kind, and fun. And these folks are getting there own separate blog post.

This blog post however is about the moments where my ego gets polished. There was a day here at 中 山 (NSYSU) that I was told I was 可 愛 (cute) by 3 different people. One of which was the women who works at the front desk of the dorm. The ladies who work this job are called 阿姨, which means aunt. How endearing right? She, some other Taiwanese gals and I were talking. She kept saying, "oh she is an American. She is so cute. Don't you think she is so cute? She has such a young spirit. (someone had to translate that part for me).She is always smiling." I have no strategy for this. I usually say 哪里 哪里！Which is something like, oh that's not true. And then I blush (that is involuntary) and pretend to hide my face. Then the 阿姨 says, "Do you want to marry a Taiwanese man?" To which I respond, "可以呀!" (maybe...I am not sure). Then she says, "I have two sons!" I made her laugh later on that day when I went up to the desk and said, "about those sons, how old are they?" She decided I was a bit young because they were 28 and 29. I leave out the part where I say I have dated men older than that.

And two other times, random store owners 老闆 have asked me if I am married or if I plan on marring a Taiwanese man. To which I try to say, "I don't even have a Taiwanese boyfriend yet, I have only been here x amount of weeks." "You are so beautiful how do you no have a husband?" I leave out the part about the 60% divorce rate in my country. And how I would rather eat shit than sign a state-sanctioned licence dealing with a private affair such as who you want to fuck monogamously. Shit...I don't have the Chinese vocab to say that even if I wanted to.

Last night, I was with my Taiwanese friend 栗子 (Li Zi) and we went to get bubble milk tea. And this young woman about my age, who worked there said happily and extremely loudly (in heavily accented English) "You are soooo BEAUTIFULLLLLL!!!" Then in Chinese she asked me where I was from. "You are so cute! I love you!" So then her co-workers say “他 瘋 了”And this Chinese I can understand. So I say to them in my heavily accented Chinese, "People often say I am crazy too, so we are the same (I was trying to say alike)." Really? She says. Oh yes! I reply. It was really funny moment. But I told Li Zi afterwards that I am going to get a big head at this rate. He said yes, "its like you are a star."

But here is the deal: this is all out of context. This is not me being cute (ok maybe a little). This is the idea of women being one dimensional. I just so happen to fit U.S. beauty standards somewhat, so people see me and go...oh thats similar to the U.S. that gets exported to us via pop culture. And I ABSOLUTELY get treated different. If I was black, or an Asian American (or anyone who is not a white girl who looks similar to the perceived notion of what women should look like) I would be treated differently. No doubt.

So, to keep it real: if I was here to be an export of U.S. pop culture I would live for this shit. I would stop learning Chinese and just get a job teaching English. I would live very comfortably forever in Taiwan as a 真 漂 亮 的 洋 鬼 子(very pretty foreign devil)。I could go to clubs and drink ultimated for $3 USD and party...blah blah blah. It would be too easy to exploit how far the U.S. dollar goes in Taiwan and the fact that my culture is revered (sometimes hated but not as common here).

But this is not why I am here. I am not one dimensional. I want to love people (in the bell hooks way, and some of ya'll know what I mean by that). I want to learn the language and connect with others beyond my 皮膚 (skin). I am trying to make my life about spiritual growth. If I don't focus on this goal, I would merely be my own little fucking Paris Hilton on this island. But if you know me, you know that's who I strive to emanate.

Its not as if these conversations about "how cute I am" can't lead to something meaningful. Perhaps this is a cultural specific way of talking to women. That I don't know yet. My job now? Study, study, practice, practice Chinese. Time to perfect the vocab beyond 可愛 漂亮 (cute, pretty). 好 好 學 習！