好像大家常用下雨打比喻： Why is rain involved in many metaphores?

The rain was pounding so hard on the air conditioner (just happens to be located next to my bunk bed) that it produced the strange sensation that I had done something wrong. Or at the very least a flood of water and some kind of chemical fluid (which I hear window units contain) would awaken me by falling on my head. That is if I did so happen to fall asleep.

Sleeping...not so successful.

Tonight I have done two things that would make my mom cringe (and that my friends is pretty hard to do): 1.)Not getting a good night‘s sleep and 2.)
smoking(tobacco)cigarettes. Sorry Mom! I don't do this often.

I went out to the balcony 陽台 and watched the the storm. This has rain has been a day's cleansing of our sewage system. I watch the rain and I start to wonder if it is coming from the sky.

It looks like a wash of the landscape. Like in Disney's Mary Poppins when they jump into the chalk sidewalk drawings and at the very end when it rains, it spoils the party. It is that type of vibe.

On a side note: I really enjoyed that part of the movie. Especially the tap dancing penguins. If Disney stole my imagination...well, it was at that point. Tap dancing on salted floors with Dick Van Dyke is pretty much the shit, even for a penguin.

Many people use rain as a metaphor of types. Or describe rain using metaphors (it is raining cats and dogs.... and on another note: why is it that Taiwanese love to bring up that saying so much?) I remember my high school English teacher, Mrs. Tower saying that rain usually signified a significant change in plot or a character's motivation.

Some people like to see rain as some sort of mourning or weeping.

The rain I am seeing is like a power washer in a shoe box.

You know why I hate the time laying in bed before falling asleep so much?

It is too close to meditation for my liking. Also a lot of times it involves reflection on the day and life...which turns into worry. And when rain is pounding on air conditioning unit next to your head you start to think...a little too much.

And why does the thinking keep coming back to Noah's Ark? Forty days and nights and some really big flood...a pair of tap dancing penguins.

Damn you childhood Biblical stories.

Damn you.

Anger is a Gift

Never listen to Rage Against the Machine when you are already pissed off.

I haven't set anything on fire. Yet.

Sometimes I think I was meant to be born in a post-colonial country fighting against US backed military coups.

That is such a privileged American girl thing to say.

I am so fucking angry.

It started yesterday. And the scary part of it is: I have nothing concrete to be angry about.

I don't think I have been this moody since high school.

But if I have to be institutionalized for one more year I might burn shit down. Really...do you ever look around you and think...this shit is all built on lies. And I am lying and so are they. Civilization is one big lie. Pretending hurts. Do I　sound like I have gone off the deep end?

Yes. ok. Well that is not a new thing. I do it at least once every 3 or 4 years.

Last night a friend told me that he thinks that politics and ideologies are just manifestations of emotional problems....what a crock of shit right? He says he gets his anger out by running and sex...well I have done both (on top of the political radicalism) and I am still pissed.

I want to scream at everyone to wake up. I feel like a caged tiger. Pacing back and forth back and forth.

不知道我的問題在哪裡。

Does the moodiness level out with age? Some one tell me it does or get me some fucking Prozac.

I want to be a medicated robot without feeling. Quickly. Then I can quit bitching in this electronic diary.

I realize these past few posts have been on the negative side. I believe I need more challenges in my life　and less time on my hands. Perhaps more sleep.

Getting a beverage and trying to read some Chinese literature. I am also skipping class tomorrow. And trying to get lost. Which won't be hard for me.

Anger is a gift. The kind of gift that's like ugly second-hand lazy boy chair. You don't dare sit in it because feels like it doesn't belong to you...you can however, picture it going up in flames.

If you have recurring symptoms, come back and see me.

This is getting a little ridiculous. Missy Elliot shouldn't make me miss home. I don't even know her. But her music makes me remember my country's many cultures. I miss it so much! I want to shake my ass for real (jumping up and down to Lady Gaga does not count as dancing Taiwan...I am sorry) I need a my country where being outgoing does not scare people. I need a place where I can drink a pint of whiskey during my weekend and not be viewed as alcoholic (yo yo respect my ability to hold my alcohol bitches! 我的酒量不錯～～～有什麽好大驚小怪的！)

My homesickness like a bad case of rheumatoid arthritis. I deal with it by taking endless amounts of pain killers, not treating the core symptoms. So it doesn't take much to resurface---momentarily covering up the grinding pain only makes the sickness worse.

I can go off about how much I love Taiwanese food (I am addicted) and culture (for real) but deep down I know would eat shitty sandwiches(yes I am being overly-judgmental of US food) for the rest of my life just in the name of being back in *my element*.

Today I can't focus because of these few thoughts running through my mind:

Dad is in the hospital and I am not there.

I miss a lover. Yes you...

I really miss Mom.

Goes without saying I miss friends and family.

I have such vivid recollection of Portland's streets, people, and vibe that if I close my eyes it almost feels like I am back there. PDX is the best city in the world, yo! She is my girl...I think my only true love.

GOD FUCK I WANT GOOD COFFEE.

I WANT TO PET A GOD DAMN CAT. A NICE FAT, WELL-FED, WELL-CARED-FOR CAT! More importantly M-cat! Milo, will you remember me when I get back? We will do a good head bump when i get back.

This feeling is enough to make a girl give up on this dream. If I can learn Chinese up to this level...I think I can do anything....or anything ELSE.

Including pursuing that dance career and study of international law...

Wait what? From Missy Eliot to international law. That's how I roll, otherwise how would I go from Midwestern, good ol' Delton, MI to a small Chinese speaking island in the Pacific.

Warning! Being abroad you may experience two forms of insanity: 1.)Culture Shock (got a handle on that one) 2.)Homesickness (recurring daydreams of kissing the floor in the LA airport...gross I know)

I think I need another dose of medicine.

Also, this is the song that made me homesick. Please listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv1uae2SwvY

When I get back I have small request: I want to hear this song in a backyard and dance my ass off. That is it...dance with other lady divas that can hold their liquor.

Wow, that felt good to get off my chest.

Continue on...

Nothing a little wiskey won't fix...

And keeping it short and writing more frequently, I figure this is a better style than using my blog as a quarterly emotional vomit pit.

A day (and very long night) has passed. Has passion returned? uh...let's just say, I feel normal, renewed, ready to seek. As The Who once sang, "They call me the seeker, I've been searching low and high...I won't get to get what I'm after...till the day I die."

A bottle of whiskey.

Talk of capitalism and Marx in Chinese----FINALLY!

A hotel room, a bottle of 梅酒=爽

And I finally feel--normal. Beyond normal---fucking good. Nothing like scratching that itch huh? I am talking about the political conversation...I am. No really. Ok...I scratched a few itches.

And---I got hit on at a tea shop. And I am like yeah bitches. Like a normal (what my American ass considers normal) hitting on a girl situation. “你會不會熱?！我好熱啊！受不了！” Yes...ask me if I am hot (temperature wise.) That is normal. Not that I am on the prowl...but nothing makes me feel more normal than getting hit on. How bad did that sound? But this is coming out of all honesty. I think I am looking more confident these days...and people have quit talking to me in English and I am so fucking happy! And then afterward, drinking taro carmel milk tea. Fuck yes.

Today I will study.

I am panicking about the time when people ask me how long I have been in Taiwan and I have to say I have been here a year.

You know why?

Because I have ridiculous standards. And I feel a year sounds like a long time, and my Chinese should be fucking fluent awesome!

But hey it will come along...because although it is an insane journey learning Chinese in Taiwan...it really is 順路 "on the way."

I am the seeker. And while I experience this place, the low and high, I know I am going to learn a thing or two.

And it helps not being so "itchy."

Little fact: 痒 yang (3rd tone) the word for itchy is also the word to feel a tickle (ticklish.) Say what?

Wait a darn second...

I believe in passion.

Me too.

I seemed to have lost it.

But actually it might be hiding from me.

That's it. Hiding. It is a never-ending game of hide and seek.

Having a functional and meaningful conversation using Chinese---passion

Siting here studying endless idioms about marriage and how to describe a beautiful woman in 4 word-phrases 俗語 ----passion goes into hiding.

Dancing in the streets of Taiwan and not caring who is watching me---passion returns.

Realizing I deeply, deeply miss Portland, OR. Knowing that I absolutely left my heart there---Passion fizzles out and dies.

Talking to an Indian man about his pain and experiences of racism in Taiwan. And hearing how he struggles through them. ---Passion comes out of hidding.

His story really gave me strength and renewed passion that sometimes is lacking here studying in Taiwan. I know that language is beautiful because we need it to communicate, not only our wants and desires and happy time, but our pain and struggle

And that is it. My passion. It exists among the struggle, among the ability to share a struggle, to use language to communicate it, to move towards love, compassion, and peace.

See...now that is the shit I used to say living my one-bedroom apartment, working-student life-style in Portland, Or. Maybe I smoked too much pot.

Doubtful. I always felt like if I could follow a passion it would grow.

And I was doing just that. But recently...well, it was like this. You are walking with a companion on a forest mountain path, and then the companion disappears. But at first you don't notice it (maybe originally she was walking behind you) and as you get further up the mountain you suddenly realize the travel companion is gone. You worry that you will never see the her again...

And I am just thinking, why go to the top if I have no companion to enjoy the view with. It is meaningless right?

Nothing like rain and thunder to make you face what is lacking in your life.

Just wish I could get a grasp on that thing called passion. It is truly priceless.

雙雙 Today: 2 and 2

Today was a typical Saturday. Getting up late,grabbing a latte at 12 and chatting with the ladies at the coffee stand, exercising, getting together with friends, staying out too late. It is good. Life is good.

Today I marveled at the two points where my heart did that thing it does when it experiences human beings loving each other. It is that strange jumpy/warm thing. Like someone took one of those heating pads you put on your hands in the winter, and put it on my soul. Soul-heating-pads. That is not poetic. Who needs to be poetic at 4 AM when they are drunk? Some folks can pull it off, well that ain't my 天分 (talent) baby.

But being emotional is. It is my talent. My mom said at a young age (before I could understand a movie plot) I started crying at sappy chick flicks, so I take that as I sign I was meant to be over sensitive and emotionally charged. Right on. It might be one of my 優點 (strong points)...because appears to be the only one I have now at this point.


Two Heart Warming Things

1. So I am going to combined two things into one heart-warming experience, because well, the title is two and two. And otherwise it will mess up my intended format...and I am drunk and lazy and don't want to change it. So anyway, I go for my usual coffee at the coffee stand at the campus square. And I realize I totally forgot my money purse (I have the diaper bag-sized purse...but no money. So much for being prepared.)! And I am like, "stop don't make that latte I forgot my coin purse." And then the lady at the coffee stand is like, “不用客氣，改天好了！Don't worry about it, pay another day! But the way she said it, was like she has been expecting this for a long time. Something reassuring about having folks trust you, even if I do go there almost everyday to get the same coffee (iced latte, no sugar) for the past 7 months straight. And then as I am leaving I look over on the concrete benches lining the square, a middle aged Taiwanese couple, laying on a pair of benches,side by side, and their shoes thrown to the side, getting a reprieve from the intense summer heat. And then the struck me, was they were sitting just so, letting the bottoms of their feet touch. Something so intimate about that, and beautiful. And if you read "Cat's Cradle" by Vonnegut you would find another layer to this.

2. Today I went out with some friends. One of which I encouraged to drink with me. And so I am drunk (he is not because he actually likes moderation...) and we quickly breeze through the largest Night Market in Kaohsiung (at least I think it is瑞豐？) grab some snacks as we watch it close down (around 1 or 2AM.) And if you have never seen a night market close up shop...I recommend it. It makes one appreciate even more the marvel of this spectacular Taiwanese bazaar called the Night market. really. Amazing. Don't get run over by a truck hauling the goods out. Anyway, we go to the nearest coffee shop. Get drinks, I eat cake, shaped like a bear. I am so happy to eat cake. And then my friend begins to tell ghost stories. Which actually were beyond amazing. (1. I understood them. My listening comprehension is coming along 2. Telling stories is a great way to learn a language. So lately I have been listening to random folks stories (aka eves dropping on Taiwanese's conversations) and reading them. Because I remember that is actually how I became literate (ok somewhat) in my mother tongue, English.) Reall my he is a good story teller...complete with pauses and scary man voice.

And as he finishes my other friend mentions that he plans to drive me home (via scooter) and how one road is really scary and lonely. And he will be riding back alone. And ghosts..and the like. And then the conversation turns to Taiwanese language. Which of course I don't understand. And there is a reason for this I am sure (talking about how to deal with the lonely drive home?) It must be mentioned that the average Taiwanese is very superstitious about ghosts...I mean really. I have had very westernized, modern, from Taibei, friends who do no want you to mention ghosts if you are in an isolated, dark place.

Well anyways the heart warming part of this is. My friend ends up accompanying my other friend to drive me back to the dorm. Hence, avoiding the lonely, possibly ghost filled ride home. For all its differences from its American counterpart, I love Taiwanese masculinity (another blog post I promise you all...still doing research.)This moment made me think of my best friend, Hannah. And the things she was willing to do even if they were totally irrational (why not drive to Mount Pleasant to gamble at midnight? GREAT IDEA!) Good friends rock!

Two Things I Can't Get Over

I will keep these short because well I am getting tired. And why focus on the some-what less-than-positive aspects of life in Taiwan.

1. Discussing my facial features in front of me. I can hear you. And yes my nose and eyes are different because, guess what? I am a different race. Crazy...as much as I wish I could be Asian I am Caucasian and that is it.

I know my nose can be a topic of conversation (not in a negative way) in the states too. But that is with people I know very well. But in Taiwan random strangers bring it up and want to talk about it. Guys on first dates will compliment my nose. It is quite...uh interesting.

But on public transportation, going to meet friends and having folks like stare at you, talk about you, and then touch their own face longingly is not only creepy, but uncomfortable. Most of the times I ignore it. But today it was a couple (man and woman) and I found that particularly disturbing. Get your own nose bitches!

2. Yes, I am white. Yes, I speak Chinese. Good god...it is not that strange is it? I guess it it. But whenever Asia chooses to get over the fact that not all Americans think learning a second language in unpatriotic, I will be here....I will even talk to them.

But a simple request Mr.老闆 (man at food stand), please stop saying you bet I can't speak Chinese when I am saying to you (in Chinese)that I can. You heard me talking to my friends...and I don't understand why it freaks you out so much. Do you think it is strange you use all the money I, and other guests are giving you, to send your children to an after-school cram school to learn English? Do you think your children are like aliens when they practice speaking English?

But overall, these two things, although, things I am very accoustumed to, still somehow stick out as annoyance. Yet for real...they are not that bad. Actually these kind of instances tend to be my biggest woe...and that really, really, really ain't bad. I have ways of handling them. And tend to do it some-what gracefully without hurting anyone feelings, or making Taiwanese think (realize the truth) that is upsets me.

But my coping skills are another blog post all together. Now I just want to say: the heart warming things and annoying things....well to be honest, aren't all that different. They just remind me that...well we are all human here.

I can be trusting like the lady at the coffee shop, I can be insecure and shallow like folks on the subway, I can be intimate and sweet like the couple I can campus, and I can be callous and closed-minded like the boss at the food stand. I think everyone has their moments. And it is just that. Moments. Moments of life here and there...nothing paved in stoned, nothing black or white, good or bad...just movement. And for today, just blur of night markets, faces, and ghosts.

If you give a mouse a chance to live on an island, learn Chinese, and eat stinky tofu. 及時行樂

So I just went to the office of immigration and got my Alien Resident Card extended for a year. I pick it up in 10 days. And I feel like, Ok, so it really official now. I am staying another year or so in Taiwan.

Why?

Why not?

I actually never want to go home. The food is better on a whole, made good friends, and a snap shot of life: sometimes there are 廟會 舞獅 (crazy parades put on the by temples complete dancing lions, traditional Chinese awesome) in the street, next to a metro shopping paradise with young Taiwanese, decked out in punk gear with dyed blonde hair and blue contact lens. This place...consumes me.

Don't get me wrong people in the states! I miss you all like mad. And I miss the states for what it is: my home. I miss relating to other people naturally...I miss good beer. I also miss American-style sense of humor. So, please don't take my "never wanting to go home" to heart. I love you guys more than anything. And I wish I could also be by your side and laughing, loving, growing.

So that brings me to where I am at now. I sit here and I go...what am I doing here?

I love Taiwan, I love Kaohsiung, no doubt. And my goal is to become somewhat fluent in Chinese. So yeah. That is it. That is why I am here.

These things are very sure. But I have this god damn voice in my head and this voice really makes me uncomfortable and worried. It constantly says, "And then what?"

Like what do you do after that? You learn Chinese for two years, and then what? Graduate...work as a server at a restaurant, pay off massive amounts of loans. Drink beer with friends. Read Chinese novels in my free time.....talk to the servers at Chinese restaurants.

Doesn't sound bad. But this route feels like...like a Chinese Idiom *我愛成語啊！* I learned today: 半途而廢 And it just means "To give up half way." I also learned an idiom last week that I think reflect my situation after two years in Taiwan: 大材小用(Thanks 威霖！) It means to have a talent (for me Chinese) and then not use it 浪費人材.

So recently I have been thinking. Wouldn't it be awesome to just keep studying? Fuck the work force! I will just be a student for a long long long long time. Maybe get my PHD if I can manage it. Why the fuck not?

Do people go for their PHD with this line of thinking (why the fuck not)? I don't even know. But I do have a new goal: Get my masters degree! Maybe in Modern Chinese Literature. In Taiwan.

That is a little crazy. Really. Doing a masters degree...all in Chinese is pretty ball-sey大膽 (how do you even spell that word? Maybe I should just use the word brazen.) But I am going to try! So, this next year I am going to work my butt off, and we where it gets me. I am going to try and audit some classes in Chinese here at the bachelor level and see how that goes. Also next year take the Chinese Proficiency test to get an idea of where I am at.

Why think about the future? I don't know. I wish I didn't because it actually makes me think of all the wonderful loans I have taken out. But hey, if you aren't in debt you aren't American. Oh fuck.

Oh fuck it.

I am living it like I mean it. I am loving life and that is good enough for now. And actually that is better than "good enough," that must mean I am doing something right. 把握今天baby! Just got to keep listening to that loving, pure, true, dancing, self. And fuck this damn voice asking me, "then what?" Because that voice will ask this same damn question no matter what I do. On my death bed asking this damn question (at that point quite obvious what is next.) You know what I will say next time she asks, "I don't know. It is uncertain. And that is how it is supposed to be." Because the future is nothing but that, uncertain. Ain't that the truth. Tomorrow global warming couldn take a turn for the worse...Taiwan is underwater within a day. Ok, no need to get morbid. Tomorrow I could join a Taiwanese hip-hop dance group, marry the lead dancer, and spend the rest of my life dancing. OMG! That sounds like the shit! I am crossing my fingers for surprise outcome number two.

Why not As my Taiwanese friends ALWAYS say to me, "別想太多" Don't think too much.

Time to eat with two of my lovely friends! Viva 台灣！及時行樂！

不好意思，我不會說英文！I am so sorry, I don't speak English.

A little bitch fest about ONE of the the MANY reasons studying Chinese in Taiwan can be frustrating.

I will sum it up in one sentence: "If I wanted to speak English with the locals I would have studied abroad in Sydney, Australia."

So, yeah, aside from this, is the fact that in Southern Taiwan people don't just speak Mandarin Chinese 國語 (the national language and the language which I am studying) they also speak Taiwanese 臺語. Taiwanese and Chinese are not two different dialects---they are two different languages. So that can be frustrating because one influences the other. For example in the south of Taiwan, where I live, most families exclusively speak Taiwanese in the home, because of this, when they speak Chinese they actually have a Taiwanese accent. In a word, when some Taiwanese (especially older folks) speak Chinese it doesn't sound like standard Mandarin Chinese.

But I can deal with this. I LOVE what we call Taiwan's GuoYu 臺灣國語, Taiwan's Mandarin Chinese. I see the use of Taiwanese as resistance of mainland China's government influence and it gives Taiwan it's special character. I truly love it. Also, Taiwanese sounds sexy to me. Hahaha. Most slang, swear words, and naughty sexy talk exists in Taiwanese. If you ask Taiwanese certain swear words, insults, slang, most can only think of how to say it in Taiwanese. I was just talking to a Taiwanese friend and he said he felt like in most situations with intense emotions (anger, love, passion...etc) Taiwanese is more appropriate to use. To him Taiwanese has more feeling. Also much of Taiwanese food is (surprise surprise) said in Taiwanese. If you use mandarin Chinese name to order the food you sound like a big tool---or a foreigner.

Hence why I really want to hurry up and learn Chinese so I can start learning Taiwanese. I have fallen in love with this island--and someone on this island who is not my EX!boyfriend---but that is another blog post altogether. 很復雜l嘍！I swear to god I will come back to the states---for a little while. But I keep dreaming about moving and making a life here.

Off topic! Back on topic: an annoyance and minor obstacle in learning Chinese: ENGLISH! Most all young Taiwanese learn English in school. God damn the fact I am from the world super-power. Damn you global hegemony!!!! Damn you economic imperialism and globalization! DAMN! These factors make my mother language, English, a hot commodity. And since this hot commodity can come out of my mouth, I become a hot commodity too. In fact American-English is truly a hot market. I have heard from many people that if you are an American finding a job teaching English is very easy because they "like our accent." AKA: since our country is powerful American-English is popular to learn. In fact I often see signs on cram schools that say 美語 Mei-yu and have an American flag on it. It literally means American-language. So yeah, there are a few (well-intentioned) Taiwanese that see me as an opportunity to practice English.

But here is my problem: I came to Taiwan just so I would be FORCED to use Chinese. I want to be in a Chinese speaking environment. It is one thing if I am doing a language exchange. I have a quite a few friends that I do this with; we speak half Chinese and half English. And since these folks and I have an agreement I feel that this is fair. These meetings are all very helpful for both parties and I enjoy them very much.

我的看法, the way I see it: We are in Taiwan, the national language is Chinese, I can speak Chinese, so unless you say up front you want to practice English we should speak Chinese on default. But it is not like that.

It is almost like some folks have the mindset that since I have this ability to speak 美語American English that I should share my talent. Here is one example out of many: I am at a bar with a friend (Taiwanese.) And we are speaking all in Chinese. And the bartender comes and talks to us. Then she asks us if we use Chinese or English to communicate. And we say Chinese. And then she is like why don't you have a language exchange...and he speaks English and you speak Chinese. But my question is why? My friend doesn't have my interest in using or improving his English and I am IN TAIWAN. This happens often. If I am speaking all Chinese with folks it is like it is viewed as a wasted commodity: American English. And another note about the exchange of me speaking Chinese and the other people speaking English: this really does not help any one's language skills. In fact my biggest problem in Chinese right now is my listening comprehension. It helps to hear and speak Chinese. HENCE why I came to a Chinese speaking country.

One look at my white face and the English just comes right out of their mouth. I have one friend who I meet at the track. And he uses random English phrases...intermittently with the Chinese. And when he uses English he speaks with like an uber-loud voice. So I am listening really intently to his Chinese and my brain is working really hard to understand and then ear-splitting non-sensiscal English comes out. Most of the time I really think it Chinese. So I will be like oh what does that mean? And then he will say it in Chinese and then I understand that he was actually speaking English and it sounded like, well, Chinese. For example the other day, he walks up and says, "you are too later." Which sounded a bit like Chinese "wu er tu le te" Nonsensical Chinese. 原來他的意思是 "妳來太晚." It turns out he meant "You came later than usual." I really am not a fan of this behavior. He has asked me a couple times to help him correct his English. But I told him that I really came to learn Chinese and prefer to speak Chinese. I left out the fact that he only says like 3 words at a time in "English" so it would be hard to correct this sort of "English." Sadly, the crazy English phrases continue.

But here is the deal. I have gotten empowered about using Chinese. I don't mind sharing my skills and helping folks with English but this is all in moderation. I am spending money and I am working hard to learn this language and I want to use it. I didn't move thousands miles away from everything I have ever known just to have a series of language exchanges. I can have language exchanges in the US, but I came for total immersion. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am putting it this way: you go to a foreign country to learn the national language, how would you feel if many of the people you meet insist on speaking to you in your mother tongue? So now I have a line: 《不好意思，我就是來臺灣只要說國語的。不過，我認識很多不會說國語的國際學生，我可以給你介紹認識他們。你可以跟他們你練習英語。》"I am sorry, I came to Taiwan just so I could speak Chinese. However, I know a lot of foreign students who can't speak Chinese, I will introduce you to them and you can practice English with them."

Because it is true. There are a lot of foreigners (ok not a lot, but in comparison to foreigners who want to learn Chinese) who come to Taiwan to study, teach English, etc...who don't have interest in learning Chinese. So I know that I am not the only opportunity Taiwanese folks have to practice English.

So here is my little ranty letter:

Dear well intentioned Taiwanese people,

Just because I am white does not mean that it is impossible for me to learn Chinese. Further more, I do not need you to help me translate. Your "English" is sometimes more confusing than if you talked to me in Taiwanese. If I don't understand something in Chinese you can actually use Chinese to explain what it means. Or just say it again a bit more slowly.

You can also use a normal volume of voice if you are inclined to talk to me English....I am not deaf. And if we have already had several functional conversations in Chinese, including topics of society and politics it feels a bit patronizing when you explain to me in front your friends what 女生 nu sheng "woman" or 牛肉麵 niu rou mian "beef noodles" mean in English. If I didn't know how to say beef noodles in Chinese I would have starved to death by now.

Please don't use the fact that you can speak English as a status symbol that you can show off. For example speaking to me all in Chinese until we are in a public space crowded with people. And then acting as if I need help ordering a drink. I don't need you to suddenly whip out the translation skills at the night market. Where were these translation skills when we were at your house and I was trying to figure out what 生理反應 "physiological reaction" was? Why do you suddenly want to have English conversations in public? This paragraph is especially dedicated to my ex-boyfriend.

I understand English is a skill that EVERYONE seems to want. It has become the "international language." And I personally feel bad about the globalization thing that makes English such a necessity. Really it is fucking bullshit. However, if you want to learn English please direct yourself to the nearest 補習班 "cram school" or find a foreigner who isn't a Chinese language student. They would be happy to have a local help them understand the culture and you would get to practice English.

***

Luckily these situations aren't even close to a majority. And most Taiwanese respect the fact that I want to learn Chinese. Therefore I am able to help them a bit with English but we use Chinese to communicate. This is the best.

In fact while writing this I had a funny experience that is opposite of what this blog post is about. Due to the fact that it is Chinese New Year all the tenants in the dorm have to leave, the sole exception being foreign students. So anyway, there is a knock on my door. And a woman looks at me with a blank, slightly bored face, lacking the "oh shit I should ought to be speaking English" expression and says, "You aren't Taiwanese are you?" She had no idea how much this made my day! I say, "No I am an exchange student." And she is like "ok, no problem."

So this is one of example of how it ought to be. Using Chinese with no apologies for not speaking to me in English. Just like it is for students who study in the US. No one in the US apologizes to Chinese exchange students because they can't speak Chinese. But that happens to me all the time here in Taiwan before I even open my mouth to say, "hey no problem, I can speak Chinese. And in fact I love to!"

I didn't know days like this were possible in Taiwan

I wake up next to a smiling face. I peer out the third story window to see a sunny day, blue sky, and Kaohsiung's landscape: hills, subway, apartment high-rises, clothes hanging out on the balconies to dry, the stray McDonald golden arch signaling that no one is safe from globalization. And I look to the windowsill and I notice the scratch paper I wrote "Live and Let Live" on is propped up catching the morning sun just so. A token saved from when I taught Hao Shu this English 成語 "idiom."

I go downstairs bracing my whole emotional-self for an awkward situation. I know Chinese culture is more conservative....shouldn't have spent the night...his mom will think I am a whore...I am corrupting her son...why do these foreign devils have to bring their immoral culture to Taiwan....just when my heart is getting ready to close off on the defense I think I hear my name. I am hearing my name---my Chinese name. And it is Huang Ma Ma (what I call my boyfriend's Mom, Huang is their surname) and she sounds just like every Mom I have ever heard calling loved-ones to eat. Granted it is different because my brain is working twice is hard to understand the language; but the feeling is exactly the same. She gives me 豆漿 soy milk with some kind of seasoning. And it really rocked my socks. She also gives me what I like to call Chinese bread because I don't know what it actually is. But is soft and white like bread...but NOT bread...more like an awesome roll of an insane texture. Then she insists on me trying on a pair of Nike shoes, they fit so she gives them to me. She said she worried my feet were cold because I was only wearing sandals.

Go to order a coffee and watch the woman at the counter's face go from fear, to relief (when I start ordering in Chinese) to amusement (as I probably sound a bit like a 4 year old ordering coffee and look like one as a drool over the chocolate cake in the desert case...then I proceed to do a little "I am happy to get coffee" dance).

I get home and go running in beautiful 60 degree weather with not a cloud in the sky. The track is bustling with life. I help folks retrieve run-away balls...and wave at the curious on-lookers and say hello. A young boy around the age of 8 comes bounding next to me. And I say, 比賽好不好？ How about a race? He happily yells 比賽！And he sprints ahead of me. 你真的贏了！You win! I say as I continue lap after lap. I get done and realize I finished 4 miles. My body feels good...and I look to the sky and thank the lord for my health.

I really never expected I would have a day like this in Taiwan. A day that nothing spectacular happens---just an ordinary day in life, but it is totally and utterly life-affirming. It makes me feel like myself. Like I am capable of loving and being loved. And that...that in itself is most important. When I was going trough my worst times here in Taiwan I was pretty sure my soul was dying. I think now that it is because I wasn't feeding my soul anything. I am so thankful now that I have come to a phase where I capable of opening my heart and getting some "soul food," if you will. I really will say it with emphasis now 我吃飽了！"I am full!"

It's like my heart has been Typhooned 我覺得像我心裏有颱風。

So, a week ago today I had minor (majorish) freak-out. Planned on being home right now---playing in snow spending Chirstmas with the family and head back to Portland to start the winter term. Thank god I didn't write an email to the advisor. I will save you the details of the salsa with stray dogs and taking advice from a J-Lo song. Although some of you all know about the temporary insanity.

So what made me stay? Uh, nothing really in particular--it's easier to stay. Part of it was pride, I suppose. Plus, the big thing in my head was "why not?" I could finish my Chinese degree requirements here, get somewhat proficient in Chinese, all at a significantly lower standard of living. Plus, a little bird told me, that living in other cultures different from your own exponential increase your world view. Let us hope.

So now my negative, condescending voice comes out and says: "Really? You just thought you would stay on the tropical island because 'why not?' It's not like it is the opportunity of a lifetime or anything. Some people will never study abroad and you act like it's pulling teeth. How ungrateful!" That's my mean, judgmental, unforgiving voice.

I suppose judgemental voice gets some validation because study abraod is often viewed as a vacation with some studying. And some students have this experience. They come for a few months, travel a lot, aren't learning the language, and go to classes in their mother tounge. And I am not being a hater. If that's your thang...live it up. Enjoy! I did my share of partying and "living it up" in Portland before I left. I came to Taiwan to learn Chinese. Plus, even if I wanted to, the funds to live it up have long since dried up (no more amazing tips from waiting tables.) Although I do have my moments of fun....it's not all 辛苦 toil of course.

I am trying to learn this crazy fucking language. And it's not easy, to put it lightly. You really do have to invest time to do so, whether its talking with Taiwanese folks, studying, reading, doing homework, it all takes time. And if you are doing something right...you should be doing a bit of all of these activities. It's totally possible. I know I can do it. But then I look around me, have some of these bad experiences, I have a reaction like, "Do I want to invest my time? I don't think I want to talk to these people."

What an awful thought! But I mean, really why does one learn a language? Lots of reasons. Why does Katie learn a language? To communicate. That's all. Two years ago I was obsessed with modern Chinese history and politics and I was like "why not" learn Chinese? It could be fun. Talk to older folks about the revolution. No probs. *Insert hysterical laughing here* When has being impulsive ever done me wrong?

The thing I really forgot about communication is that it is more than: idea-->translate-->idea received. When I am in Taiwan there is cultural layers that one most move through, plus---perhaps more importantly---the perception of western folks (read: western women....dumb,overly sexual,lazy,no morals) also plays into the ability to communicate here. So now I will clarify, that this doesn't ruin most interactions...but just know that these are the stereotypes of western women, in particular women from the US. You know why? Because the very first "interactions" young Taiwanese get with women from the US come straight from Hollywood, CA. They see me and expect me to go all "Pretty Woman" on their ass (can you tell it's been a while since I have seen a movie.)

Another quick thing I want to insert here which I find particularly troublesome: since most westerners here can't speak Chinese, Taiwanese people will talk about you in Chinese right in front of you. For example today, a male student walking with friends, looking at me and looking straight at me (some would call it staring), gets right passed me, practically next to me, and says, "好惡性”or "Really disgusting (or evil.)" Thanks fuck face. You've had better days yourself, or do you always look like a 13 year old? Aaaah! See! There is my bitter bitch side coming out...*affirmation time* love and compassion and love and compassion. I take the road of love and compassion.

If it's not this situation, it's getting photos taken of me. Or getting stared at and nervously giggled at. It feels the worst when they don't ask to snap one, and try to "slyly" take the picture from afar. "Don't mind me I am just pointing my phone at you and looking straight ahead---this is how I always make phone calls, ya know?"

What is killing me though, is MY OWN expectations of this experience. Unfortunately, all the things that made me charming, made me, me in the states are considered some what obnoxious, inappropriate, or slutty for women here. Since I am 老外 a foreigner they accept it. But how fun is it to be shimmying, laughing loudly, joking, drinking beer when there is no context for it? Everyone is just like, "你看，很活潑的外國人" It's strange to most everyone here. Furthermore, its an affirmation why most Taiwanese men do not dare date westerners. I am going to be honest here. I was looking for a man. 入境隨俗。What better way to get to know Taiwan and Chinese than to have a local boyfriend? Nothing is more motivating to a 20-something than sexual energy. A nice Taiwanese boy running chopsticks down my thigh, "你吃飽了沒？" "Have you eaten? (A common greeting.)" And anyone who knows this culture is cracking up and falling out of their chair. The day this situation happens....well lets just say it will get its own blog post for sure...and pigs will be flying through cyber-space.

So, no man, no sexual energy. Dancing...not so much. In fact dating and sexuality is WAAAAAAAYYYY different here (unless you are a western dude...more on that later.) So scratch that idea. No use putting energy into the dating ritual that I find to be less than desirable. I will stick to my own way with this aspect of life.

Ok, so its not what I thought it was going to be. Some people research the culture before going to a country...or you are like me, you impulsively, plug your nose and jump in.

I got some great advice from the head of the Chinese department at Portland State. He is a white dude who lived in Taiwan (in the boonies) for quite a while. And this was before much of the modernization (westernization too) that has happened in Taiwan in the recent past. He is also one of the wisest, most humble people I know. He said I should think of living in a new place as "sitting in a moving bus on a mountain road: if you look out the window you won't get carsick so easily; but if you look down at your lunch, and the warm orange soda and the small-print magazine, you will get dizzy because you can't see what the bus is doing."

So the invitation is to look outside myself. Don't focus on the baggage I brought with me. Loose the ego, yo! What has been helping me most lately(as in the last two days) is focusing on forgiveness. Forgiving myself and others. It is not an easy thing to remember, but when I do it allows me to move past the shit and actually experience life free of shame and blame. When done correctly, it makes life worth living. It makes one's soul sing. 對不對？ It makes the awkward situations here bearable. So, that's my goal. Moving with love and compassion is a goal I developed while living in Portland (whoop whoop bell hooks) but uprooting myself and transplanting into an obscenely different place caused an emotional typhoon. I am just now cleaning up the debris. I have taken this sick (actually physically sick...I think the stress of my mild freak-out let a sneaky virus in) weekend to re-evaluated things. I am not only healing my body, I am healing whats inside. I will rest. I will forgive my insanity and anger. I will reaffirm my purpose.

臺灣加油！And now to leave you with a cool Chinese rap. The guy is from Taiwan named 大支 (Da Zhi) It's a take-off of Nas' "I can." In fact I will leave you with both videos because they are inspiring and what not. Everyone loves to be inspired!

Da Zhi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUoc6X3e3Wo

Nas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL4zz-Rey_Y

A Sad little post.....

This is my little rant because I am feeling sad. Here are some of the things I miss about the USA. This list will be expanded I am sure.

Things I appreciate about the US (particularly Portland, OR):

1. Not smelling raw sewage every time I leave the dorm or walk down certain streets.

2. Most animals on the streets have homes. I especially miss the fat cats on Portland's Eastside that really owned the neighborhoods. Sitting on the big beautiful porches or laying in the sun on the sidewalk these cats were well fed and loved by the whole community. Here the cats are all skinny and skittish. Some will be friendly to you but it is because they are very very hungry (like the one pictured...who looks a bit like emaciated version of Milo, my kitty. And this is the fattest cat I have seen in Kaohsiung yet because he lives on campus.) Plus, I know the cats in the states are not likely to be torn to pieces and eaten by a pack of stray dogs. Yes...that happens here.

3. Sidewalks!!!!!!! I am a graceful fucking dancer and I can't functionally walk down the "sidewalk"anymore. You know why? Because unless you are in certain districts in Kaohsiung the side walks are extensions of store fronts. So, they are all different levels. Sometimes you walk up pseudo stairs to continue on the sidewalk. God forbid you are disabled here. On a good day I only stub my toe. Plus there are often marble-like store fronts covered in water (slippery!) or perhaps they are washing the vegetables in the street. So you never know when you almost step in the 老闆的 (owner's) food prep. Or slip on the water thereafter.

4. Being able to read. I am pretty literate in the U.S. Here, when I try to read everything around me (like I do in the states) I get exhausted. And its not like you can sound anything out...or find cognates and be like oh that's just a message parlor...no probs. Yes, some signs have English. But I mean it is disappointing to not even be close to literate in a language you have been studying for a year and a half. You have to know at least 3,000 characters to be somewhat literate in Chinese. And even then, you might not know whats going on. Now compare that to our 26. Yeah.......remind me again why I didn't choose to learn Spanish. Now I know how dyslexic people feel.

5. My face is not a symbol of economic and military imperialism. Ok, yes whitey is the ruling class in the USA. I know this and in some hoods in the USA I am the enemy. But in the US, I can use my language to talk about this issue. Or do political/social work to alleviate this problem (which is in fact, one of my passions). Here, many of the folks who look at me in this way, or hear my U.S. accent speak 臺語 Taiwanese (not Mandarin Chinese, or if they speak Mandarin it is with a very heavy accent), so there is no way to approach this. Plus! Its not acceptable to talk about this issue. And maybe that is not why older folks (especially women) glare at me. Maybe it has nothing to do with American soldiers coming from Vietnam to Taiwan for US government-funded R and R (aka....reek havoc and rape women).

But I do in fact know that there is a stigma about the U.S. citizens in Taiwan because a cab driver talked to me about. This my friends, was one of the most interesting and amazing experiences I have had in Taiwan yet. I talked about US imperialism (thank god I am a geek and although I may not know the word for "spoon" in Chinese yet, I know the word for imperialism damn it!) and how I wanted to be a politician and help change US foreign policy. To which he said I was an independent woman. The cab driver was really awesome and I was surprised after as many birthday drinks as I had I could have a functional conversation in Chinese about politics. He told me he had classmates who would have a big nose. And they would ask them, "who is your daddy?" and they wouldn't know. And he said, "that is how you knew he had an American daddy." How fucked up is that shit? All I could say was..“先生，我很抱歉” "Sir, I feel so sorry!" He kept telling me not to apologize. It's not my fault. Then he told me I was beautiful. Because beauty is always the second thing that comes to mind after imperialist. :-)

Anyways, this self-indulgent, "oh, pity me" post went in a different direction. Am I having a rough time? Yes. I am. But will I be in Taiwan for two years working on becoming fluent in this language? Hell, yes! You will have to drag me off this island. I am dedicated to the cause--even when little orange cats make me cry in public.

連一個字我都不敢說！"My expereience with culture shock" or "But in my country..."

This week has been a bit rough. I am now trying to interact with Taiwanese folks and steering clear of the international community (no offense to them of course, but I am trying to understand Taiwanese culture and learn Chinese). What you are about to read is my first (and by far not the last) experiences of 文化衝擊 or culture shock.

When I am among the Taiwanese and I am the minority (唯一的外國人), I usually have a close Taiwanese friend who speaks English. I am always looking to them like uh? What do I do? I would describe myself as a really awkward shadow; a shadow that you practically trip over and blocks the light so you are unable to read the assembly directions on your new IKEA bookshelf. I tend to make mistakes doing the simplest things. Example. Walking with Li Zi at the Taiwan sugar refinery I see something that looks like a memorial. I point, "Whats that?" He diplomatically explains that they are temples for people's loved ones. He also tells me that they never point at them. In fact, it's taboo to notice, talk about, or even think about temples as you walk by unless they are your own family. Oh. Whoops. Example two. Taking off shoes before you enter rooms(or if you are me, you forget until your Taiwanese frantically says, no shoes allowed). Not all rooms are the same, some you take shoes off and others you don't and it is something you have to feel out. In Taiwan, I have no manners. How can you act out gestures you don't yet understand? And of course most Taiwanese understand this and are very graciously help you understand. Thanks Taiwan folks!

Example three. At the bar yesterday with a new Taiwanese friend, 威霖 Wei Lin and Ero. Ero and I are the only westerners in the bar. It seems to be perceived as a quaint gesture that we can and do understand/speak Chinese. One of the first things that bartenders tells me after I order a drink is that I have a small face. I don't know how to react. To my U.S. ears when someone tells me I have a small face I feel like I may look deformed or something. Is this a good or bad thing? I ask. Oh, good, you are beautiful. The bartenders encourage a young lady (looks about 19 or so) to sit by Ero and tells her that we speak Chinese. Ero is talking with this lady for about five minutes when the young lady looks like she is about to cry, covers her face and wants to move. Ero turns to me and says, "I just scared that girl. I am not sure what I did." She is like, I have lived here 7 months and it is still hard for me to have conversations.

So I am going interject here and say that Ero's Chinese is much better than mine and most westerners in Taiwan. In fact, I would say most westerners in Taiwan can not speak Chinese at all. Many are here to teach English or on some sort of vacation. But there are so many elements that go into having a comfortable conversation with a stranger you just meet. When we do this in our own culture (US culture) we look at how they dress, their body language, what sub-culture the belong to, their age, the time of day, etc...So you take the fact that we don't know this culture's indicators for appropriate conversation and our Chinese is hard for them to understand, these casual conversations can be frustrating for both parties. So, the girl moves away. Ero and I laugh. And I say in Chinese with a smile: "Oh, we are bad for business." Obviously (obvious to myself at least) joking, as the bar is completely full at this time. Well, apparently in this culture, this is completely and utterly insulting. Was it lost in translation or purely a cultural difference, I am not sure. But, Wei Lin's eyes get big and he is like, in English "Don't say that! I don't want to get my ass kicked! That is rude. They will think you are rude if you say that." Oh. Very whoops. Foot in mouth.

So, after experiences like this, the infamous culture shock, your brain is reeling. You loose grip. You know what your intentions are. Or do you? I looked over at Ero and I had to know....Ok, there is somewhere in the world (aka as the US) where that would have been appropriate and right. I am trying to make a joke. I mean...is that rude? Am I rude? Yes, in Taiwan I am being rude. Ero said something that was really insightful later. I was talking about how bad I felt and how I had not intended to offend anyone. She said, Katie you are feeling shame. It's the normal and right reaction to that. Thats how people learn cultural mores. True 'dat.

If you experience culture shock for one of the first times I bet $1,000NT the first thing in your mind will be, "But in my country, its like this..." You CAN'T HELP IT. The wind has been knocked out of you. You acted a certain way in order to get some response---and you got the opposite response you expected. It's like, "I swear to god that has worked for me before...right?" I guess I am not in Kansas anymore.

Here is extra personal element of my culture shock. I am a people pleaser. I try to make everyone like me. I love to be friendly and outgoing to everyone. I feel most comfortable when people are pleased with me and find me charming . Seriously. I live for that shit....its a bit sad really. And in my culture I move pretty damn gracefully (some of you might disagree with that, fair enough). I have no problems talking to strangers, I like to laugh with others, make friends easily, and I know how to maneuver the awkward situations I tend to get into when I am drunk. Having culture shock made me realize how this aspect of my personality really informs a very large part of my identity. In Taiwan when I am unable to move in ways that please the people around me I feel like shit. Like shit, doesn't really do it justice. I really feel like I am loosing my identity. Who am I? I thought I was friendly, charming, well liked, cute, etc...

I also learned I can't say 法克 (a transliteration of fuck, pronounced fa-ke) my newly learned, Chinese swear word at the bar because it could be potentially dangerous. The perception of US girls is that we are easy and swearing is what loose women do. It's like asking for trouble 麻煩 (and I think we all know what I mean by trouble, so I don't have to elaborate.)And there are some gangsters in Kaohsiung called, 臺客. Don't mess with them. Like they say here, 小心(xiaoxin)！Be careful! Oh, I will.

My new strategy? When I feel compelled to speak: don't do it! Just wait. Listening is good. It's something I have been working on spiritually. I think true listening---listening with one's heart and mind---can lead to increased compassion. And in my case as a student of this culture and language I know listening is a must.

As for people pleaser Katie, she is dying. If she doesn't die, I might honestly go crazy in this new lifestyle. I know very well, even in all my US-cultural grace, I can't please EVERYONE. And trying really gives me serious anxiety (all my Marco's co-workers reading this are nodding their heads in agreement now.) Here in Taiwan, I not only don't please people, I have a tendency to offend them. 慢慢習慣 I will slowly get used to this. It starts by being a bit easier on myself. Knowing that I am going to make mistakes and it's ok. This means that people-pleasing is not a priority anymore. My priority is to try to understand---to open my heart and listen.

Have a little help from my friends! 我很感謝你！

So, some of ya'll may be saying...wow, she has done a lot for being their just shy of three days. And you would be right---I have done ALOT. So here is where I break the facade that I am some bad ass. I am only a bad ass in that I have the most AMAZING friend and her name is Ero!!!!

So first off, she picks me up from the airport, hails us a cab, then when we get to the university she talks to the dorm attendant to get me into a dorm. And needless to say this is all in Chinese. I literally have hardly talked to any administrators from either the institutions I belong to (PSU or NSYSU). Ero has taken care of everything. I practically owe her my life . But she won't hear any of that. She hardly lets me buy her dinner (but once I get a little quicker on the draw...I will treat...just you wait).

We immediately go to the westernized super store, Carre Four taking the bus and MRT (high speed train thing) to get me bedding and other stuff for living. I am so elated to be out in the city with someone who moves happily and naturally through the city. Better yet, we add two Panamanian men to our posse, Ramon and Luis. They are extremely nice and total gentlemen. Insisting we enter doors first, pushing the cart, and carrying our bags. It really freaked me out. But I appreciated the sentiment. 很 好 的 男 生！

After escorting me to the book store Ero and I eat and then go to Cijin Island. It is a short walk from campus and then a 10 ferry ride. We sat on the beach and observed. Watched the sun set and we reaffirmed how blessed we are to be friends.

Today, Ero picked me up bright and early and arranged for me to take my placement test. She waited an hour and half for me to get done with the test. Then we went and got my Alien Resident Card. I must say if she were not there....getting my ARC would have been a total pain in my ass. Then...and then....yes folks there is no end to this woman's compassion and willingness to help...she takes me back to Carre Four to get a cell phone. This time she pushes me to talk to the attendant myself. And I felt pretty damn accomplished getting the cell phone in Chinese (and lots of hand gestures). It goes pretty smoothly and I want to hug the store attendant when we are done.

So, this is why I am extremely settled in this very foreign land. And this is only a summary. This does not cover all the little ways Ero makes communication possible. Her Chinese is amazing since studying here (she is saying 我不敢當 but don't believe her she is being modest). Not only has her skills made these past few days possible but it gives me hope that I too will improve studying here at the wonderful 中山大學 (National Sun Yet-sen University).

So, yeah I am fucking lucky to be on tropical island studying Chinese full time. But I am even luckier to have a truly loving friend with me.

Ero， 我愛你！

坐 飛 機！Big ol' jet airliner, please take me so far away.... because Formosa is where I got to stay.

"Why does this departure screen say my plane leaves at 8:55?" I say after three mojitos and delicious Mac and Cheese (my last meal in the states) I though I read 11:11 pm? Looking at printed itinerary. FUCK! That's when I arrive in L.A. not when I leave PDX! FUCK FUCK FUCK! What time is it Micah (thanks so much for seeing me off bear)? 8:25. I have to go!

What stands in my way of getting Taiwan? Besides my stoner-esque mistake: The Transportation Security Administration. TSA---administrating "security" and hysteria better than the fucking KGB. So I follow the procedure....getting barefoot, traying my belongings. Grumbling...."Ma'am you need to take out your laptop," says the old gentleman. My bag is sitting on top of the x-ray machine...I go to grab it out. Ma'am do not touch the bag!" a woman snaps at me. "I am sorry but I thought was just instructed to do so." I reply only a little annoyed...mostly just worried about missing my plane. "You should have done so before hand...once it goes through it belongs to us." And then the old gentleman adds with a cackle, "And its 1000 lashes for leaving it in your bag...hahaha." I think in my head...I might actually enjoy that sir. I'm a freak. "With all due respect sir, I would not be fucking surprised if that's how you all operated." We all laugh...we are in Portland after all. My stuff goes through with no further problems. As I am leaving the woman says to me, "You ought to work for us...you make assumptions like we do." (whatever that means) I reply as I run off..."I don't know about that, I will never work for the man."

Now, if there is a hell, it is the L.A. international airport. Seriously. I get off the plane into a hall that looks like an abandoned hospital...no signs. Long story short...I had no fucking clue where to go...and neither did most of the people who got off the flight. I find a woman helping a traveler in a wheelchair and she was able to tell me the general direction. So I get to this big door that says international flights. It looks like sheep lined up for slaughter. Then I noticed the international flights sign says they are the third floor and says to take elevator....with an arrow that truly pointed nowhere.

I finally find my gate...and at that point the women that work for China Airlines took care of me. THEY ARE AMAZING. This is where I give a huge shout out to China Airlines, "我愛你們。” (I love you all!) They got me hooked up with both my boarding passes to Taibei and Kaohsiung and helped me find my gate. Then I get another encounter with TSA. This time I the wiser. The extremely sexy and sweet TSA worker asks me if I have my laptop out. "Yes, I got threatened with a 1000 lashes in PDX for not taking it out, so I know whats up." I then come through the metal detector, looking like Tuh-duh, my arms all akimbo. I ask sexy man if I am through (I was hoping for 1000 lashes :-) ). "You are all set," he smiles. "Darn...that was fun! I could spend a little more time with you my friend."

The rest of my flight was awesome because I was in hands of goddess mothers (aka China Airlines stewardesses). But I must tell one more story of my plane adventure. I arrive in Taibei early in the morning and their are very few travelers. I get to my gate and it is enclose by a glass wall with a door...so I try to open the door and it is locked. The man behind the glass stoically points to the way I came and then up. I give him a thumbs up...but I am fucking confused. So I turn around and I see one lone person...a woman who is very clearly janitorial staff. Maybe its just me but in the states, janitorial staff aren't the folks you ask for help finding your gate. Plus, I was not sure if she spoke either Mandarin or English. But she sees me and comes up to me speaking Mandarin and pointing wildly. She smiles. I understand most of her directions but it is very clear that I have a lot of questions for her. She was surprised that I could ask questions in Mandarin. And then she says the most endearing thing you can say, "我陪你去。” But she said...I will accompany you there. My heart just melted. Maybe she could sense that my dad has been in the janitorial business. My first interaction in Taiwan: riding the moving walkway with this woman chatting in Chinese. Sounds so small but it means a lot to have a little bit of love when you step into a foreign country.

I love Taiwan. 我愛臺灣！

我 的 第 一 Blog Post

After finishing one of the most lackluster dinners I have in Portland in a while (at an establishment which I won't name...because a lady never tells) I survey my situation. First of all, American food---not going to miss it. In 24 hours I will be boarding a plane to Taiwan. My suitcase, which is packed in the loosest sense of the word, sits lopsided, covered in cat hair, begging, at the very least to be zipped up. Time to zip up and roll out. Similar to how gangster keeps time.

A morning with Emma. She is the sunshine in the shade, illuminating through the mimosa haze and the drone of macho transportation on Forster. We had a radical breakfast (AMAZING Huevos Rancheros at Bar Carlo...I suppose I will miss some American food) moving towards our roots. We talked change. We talked growth. She loaned me bravery and grit. What would we do without love?

Zip.