Nun+sniper gun+political candidate=poor taste in a commercial: SFonline 電視廣告

First watch this commercial because I think it speaks for itself. I remember the first time I watched this commercial on TV I was hella shocked. Uh, did that nun just shoot that political candidate with a snipper gun? What the fuck is this an advertisement for? Answer: online game.

Here is where my mind went (every viewer has her/his own train of thought) Nun-conservative-candidate-abortion rights-assassination-"pro-life" radicals. Wow what message is this commercial actually sending?

But this commercials audience is not American it is Taiwanese folks. And in Taiwan it is illegal to own any sort of firearm, and there are no visible pro-choice/life movements.

As for abortion legalities I am not clear, nor it seems do a lot of Taiwanese women. However, you can still get one at a clinic of sorts. As to whether it is safe I do not know. But the point is not abortion rights here. The point is: what the fuck is going on here.

Now I don't watch TV when I live in the states, and am WAY out of the loop on most things involving popular culture, but my feelings here is that this commercial would not be ok with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) and would cause a lot of upset among all kinds of viewers, from all over the political spectrum. What do you think US readers?

The reason that this is so shocking is that this commercial started airing during Taiwan's election season. And the political figure being shot at is not (contrary to what it might look to the American eye) supposed to be the president of Taiwan, but rather a political candidate campaigning for office.

That is how they campaign in Taiwan, parade after loud-ass parade. I am talking parades in both business and residential areas, fireworks (being shot off a truck into the air) people marching, loud speakers blaring "please vote for me. 拜託拜託，多謝多謝", drums. Its really loud. Really. It sounds like a war zone to me. Makes me slightly nervous, and that is coming from someone who like politics!

So yeah, this commercial aired during commercial breaks while you were watching news about the election. (Or while I was watching my beloved Korean Soap operas.) And my reaction was just like: Ick. No bueno! A lot of images came up for me of liberal political assassinations like, President John F. Kennedy, Dr. Tiller, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcom X, Harvey Milk, and many many more. Because in the lovely USA this assassination thing doesn't just happen in commercials.

The content of the add seems to be the nun saying some typical religious banter, perhaps a payer, (it is hard for me to hear over the music+ I cant see the subtitles clearly.) But it is not until the very end that you know it is a commercial for some game because it says,『不爽，就來玩』"bad mood, just come and play (our game.)" Because if you are a nun in a bad mood some political leaders are gonna die....right. And if you are wondering SF stands for 特種部隊 "special forces." Special forces presumably lead by the catholic church.

Also, what is up with over-sexualized nuns here? Not creative and not very classy. And it is a sexist representation (but that is another post altogether.)

As far as the comments posted on YouTube there is some protest to this advertisement but not a lot on the political implications or representations. One person said "it is a bit disrespectful to nuns" and one person said it was "random" one person did bring up politics saying "they should have has Ma Ying Jiu 馬英九 Taiwan's president act as the candidate."

I am not arguing for FCC style censorship, nor am I arguing that images of violence cause real violence but I am arguing this: Lets be responsible for the images we produce, people! Lots of people argue that it is creative(its not!), shocking, new, but I think it might be good to stop and ponder where we are at as cultures (Taiwan or anywhere else) that we have to go THIS far to be shocking and therefore get attention to buy a product. Especially when this product is a video game in a culture full of 宅男/女 Otaku .

We could talk about how this commercial trivializes (or makes a mockery of) politically motivated violence, how it normalizes or even romanticizes violence, how it is a sloppy, vulgar attempt at being "edgy." And these things should be discussed.

I will just say this: Repackaging shit you saw on some foreign mobster move and repeatedly airing this representation of the assassination of a candidate during an election season is irresponsible, low, and lacking creative energy. It is straight up media pollution. I am chocking here on the dominate culture's propaganda pollution.*hack hack*

Go read a book. Yes, read a book.

白花油 The Taiwanese Cure All: White Flower Oil

There is always some kind of medical treatment, drug, remedy of sorts, that we use as some kind of cure all; stretching it's intended medical treatment to alleviate other perhaps less related symptoms or ailments.

I can still remember my mom's mantra ringing in my ears, "put Noxzema on it!" You know the facewash with Eucalyptus oil in it. Zit? Noxzema it. Dry skin? Noxzema it. Skin tone uneven? Noxzema it. Worried about aging at the tender age of 23? Mom is sending Noxzema across the world to "cure" you premature aging woes. However! mom's skin looks great in her 60s so maybe we should be going Noxzema crazy, who knows?

Or how I use Ibuprofen with wild abandon. Headache, fever, hungover, muscle ache,hot temperature making me uncomfortable.

Side note: just today my man picked up the Ibuprofen bottle and pointed to the warning "if you consume more than 3 alcoholic drinks a week consult your doctor before taking this medication." To which I said, "no one listens to that stuff." Setting off his "為了你的健康speech" I probably should cut down on that stuff...or figure out a way to have fewer headaches.

For Taiwanese, the cure all remedy would be the famous 白花油 white flower oil. Here are some of the many (claimed) uses of this oil:

1.Headaches (most common).
2.Clearing out sinuses. A lot like menthol or vapor rub, only better in my opinion. I observed my man's mom using it this way, dabbing under the nose.
3.Zits.
4.Itchy skin.
5. Constipation/Gas (Use it to rub on your stomach) And I am not joking about this one. My boyfriend helped me do this. Results were mixed. But I think what really helped the constipation was doing 30 sit ups which is a remedy that he swears by.
6. Menstrual cramps (rub on the place where your uterus sits)
7.Muscle aches.
8.Bruises.
9.Minor scrapes and sores.
10. Stress and Fatigue (I have not tried this myself, however this commercial would lead me to believe that it REALLY does cure stress and on the way, causes international dancing? Aw snap!)

Before we go any further, please keep in mind folks---EXTERNAL USE ONLY AKA DO NOT EAT IT OR PUT IT INSIDE YOU

My first encounter with White Flower oil was in the states when fellow Chinese language student, who had been to China gave it to me for a headache. A couple dabs on my forehead and temples and I was surprised at the quick relief.

So when I came to Taiwan I was excited to find this stuff in the convenient stores. One day having a killer headache and no ibuprofen, I went to buy some white flower oil and a well intentioned young Taiwanese man (to be frank maybe just wanting to show off his English "skills") wrote down the word in Chinese for ibuprofen and told me to go to the pharmacy and ask for western medicine...because he is afraid this stuff (white flower oil) does not work.

But it does work, in the same way ibuprofen works really, curing the symptom: pain. And it is true it is WAY WAY WAY less harmful to your liver (probably not at all harmful) than our beloved western counterpart, ibuprofen.

Last place in the world you would expect to find someone dissing on non-western forms of medicine
would be in Taiwan (read:China. Its complicated!) but there you have it.

Most Taiwanese, when necessary, use western medicine, however most (excluding dude at the 7/11) don't dis on the white flower yo! For example I did a super informal (read: not professional at all) interview with my boyfriend:

Me: 請問，你對白花油有什麽看法？What are your thoughts on white flower oil?
Wealen: 哪裡癢就哪裡擦白花油。Where ever you are itchy you can apply white flower oil.
Me: 請問，你覺得白花油是幾乎每個家庭必備的嗎？Do you think white flower oil is a household necessity?
Wealen: 對。Yes.

And Wealen's mom has stopped me from taking ibuprofen and instead gave me a crazy awesome back rub to cure my headache. Kick-ass right? So yes, in general Taiwanese 不會隨便吃西藥 don't casually take western medicine. And in my experience, there tends to be a real suspicion of western medicine or at least a real reluctance to rely on it, especially from the older crowd. Hence the guilt trip my boyfriend gives me every time I pop an ibuprofen (what would I do without him?)

Bottom line: Ibuprofen: damages liver. Happy alternative: white flower oil y'all!

Disclaimers:

1. I am not a doctor or medical expert in any way,shape or form. (Duh) somehow I feel like I have to say this being that this post is medical related.

2. I am not receiving payment from the Noxzema company or 和興 He Xing white flower oil company. Although I probably should.

親愛的男友你要不要剃髮留辮？Historically Acurate? No. Incredibly sexy? Yes.

First watch this.



I need to remember to watch this video more often.

Next time I complain that if I only would have learn Italian or French my life would be much more sexy (not to mention the writing system being a fuck of a lot more simple) I am going to watch this video.

Chinese culture is amazing...oldest continuous culture on the planet. And the Chinese language is also the oldest modern language. And old=awesome.

And the best thing yet about Chinese culture...dudes can carry fans and sing in an uncannily high voice (yes that is really that man's voice in the video...not a woman) and still be considered manly. I dig it. I really really dig it.

And before some of you uber educated folk (aka anyone with a relative grasp on Chinese culture/modern history) start protesting I realize that this is not in anyway actual example of traditional culture. In fact it is a fusion between western and eastern...which some might call it a bastardization...me....I think it is brilliant.

To go even further this time period that is referenced in the video was 清朝 The Qing Dynasty which is actually a rule of Manchus over China The Manchus are not actually considered Chinese per se. Regardless of the historical inaccuracies (which are abundant) this music video is still the shit.

And in a way, I think this song and video is pretty reflective of Taiwan's culture now. Referencing western styles yet keeping a distinct Taiwan flavor. Its kind of like the bread I eat here...who would think to put Mochi inside pastries? It is amazing when east meets west. Yummy and sexy.


So the artist is 周杰倫, English name Jay Chou. More about him here. I can say that Mr. Chou (according to my boyfriend, Wealen) is one of the most successful and richest recording artists in Taiwan. He does more than just sing: he writes, plays piano and cello, dances, models, directs films and music videos, etc. And I hear he is a good role model.

But yeah...so I asked Wealen 崴仁 if he wanted to grow a queue 辮子 (the long braid hair style) like the one Mr. Chou is rocking in the video...he just laughed at me. And said no. I think at the very least he could carry a fan and wear those cool silky shirts. That would satisfy my "rice queen" needs. :-)

That might be politically incorrect to say.

I am also curious if any you folks in the states are finding this video sexy. Or have I just been in Taiwan so long that I have change my concept of what is sexy. Which is totally possible. But seriously check the fan...does it do for you?

Also on another note: I like the fact that a imperialist general gets his ass kicked in this video by some crazy kung fu (historically misleading in a general sense...but so satisfying in my mind).

Special thanks to Bri (Brizzle) for introducing me to this song.

The last thing I will say is that I appreciate Mr. Chou for reminding me that sexy is all about the attitude. He is one talented man.

面子並不是免費的！Oh, You Want to Race? Face isn't Free Bitches!

I have a dirty, dirty pleasure, and I guarantee it ain't what you're thinking. I will get straight to the point: I like unofficially racing Taiwanese guys at the track and kicking their ass. Recently nothing makes me feel more satisfied (with the possible exception of Taro, caramel milk tea, 芋頭+奶茶+焦糖=爽！)...and that is quite possibly because I am NOT getting laid.

But regardless. That is where I am at right now in life. But I swear to god it is so fucking satisfying. Satisfying just like when I walk a half mile from class in 95 degree humid-as-fuck heat and then get home and 吹冷氣 sit in air conditioning and watch Taiwanese dramas. But racing， kicking ass at running, this sort of satisfaction runs deeper than feeling relief from the stiflingly hot weather here.

So lately I have been a freak about exercising. I do it every day. And most recently I have been running 4-6 miles everyday, which I know might not be excellent for my body, but I doing ok now and without injury so I am thinking my body can handle it.

And recently I have been surprised---very surprised. On good days I am averaging 10 minute miles or less on 5 mile runs, which means I am in the kind of shape I was in high school when I was running cross country. YAY. Surprised. See what happens when I don't smoke pot and drink beer everyday?

But anyway, when I go to the track to run there is almost always a dude that wants to race. And you might say, how do you know he wants to race? Does he say, "lets race!" No. But it is a big track---and when you wait until I come right next to and then start running beside me or run slightly in front of me...well, in my mind, (since I am a competitive tiger-woman when it comes to running) that means you want to see who is faster.

And in my delusional-ass mind in the Taiwan championship running championship, I am the motha-fucking champion. Undefeated. Bring it on Little Wang, you want race? You want to loose face? That is my specialty. No I am kidding. Sorta kidding.

But truly, almost everytime I go to the track to run (verses the gym) I run into a guy that wants to "race." Not run beside me and talk, no, he wants to run slightly ahead of me and feel manly. Feel manly for a little while, until he discovers that I keep this pace for miles and miles, not just two laps. I am evil, and cocky. More cocky than evil, but they don't call me Katie JohnCOCK for nothing.

Here is how it usually goes, this example just happened the last time I went to the track: a man in his late 20s early 30s comes to the track. He is sorta stretching and I notice he is watching me, but that is not a very strange situation for me because I am apparently very interesting to the folks (meaning a bulk of the Taiwanese here.) But anywho, after about two miles the gentlemen waits until I run past and starts running and blows past me, and he is about 100M ahead of me. And I am like, "right on pops."

But his pace is ubber erratic so I catch up to him after a while and am about to pass him, when he speeds up. And I think this is funny. Because at this point in my competitive tiger-woman mind this means you are looking compete. And I am like alright dude...I still have 3 miles and this always makes my run WAY more interesting. So I do what I never could do when I ran track (because I was like no, I need to be ahead of the competition) I stayed about 6 or so meters or so behind him. And the poor man is speeding up and slowing down, huffing and puffing and I am listening to lady gaga and singing. And after two miles he stops puts his hands on his knees hunched over. And I run by him...without saying anything like sissy (i do know how to say in Chinese) so I feel like I am a good person on that note. I finish my last mile while he quickly leaves the track without stretching.

And that is usually how it goes. They wait until I have run about two or more miles and then decide they want to race...ok they want to run slightly in front of me. And man it is so satisfying to either 1.) Watch them give up miserably. 2.) After 3 or 4 laps pass them while singing "beautiful dirty rich" by lady gaga.

This is my dirty pleasure. And I realize that this slightly delusion, pseudo macho satisfaction is due to a few factors.

1.)I am inherently very competitive when it comes to running.
2.)I have a lot of pent up energy of all sorts. Too much time in the classroom studying Chinese...and too many Chinese idioms...along with not getting...well you know.
3.) Studying a language (or any skill that needs real world practical application) you go to use what you learn in real life simple situations and you fail. And then you fail again. And eventually you succeed. But after you fail a few (or many) times. So that said, I am used to making mistakes and feeling like a looser face. Winning at the track....is a fresh, welcomed feeling.
4.) Taiwanese guys, mostly young college guys, stare and laugh nervously at me. I am used to lots of shit here. Taiwanese tend to be more shy. And I can accept that. Including strangers talking about nose, talking about me in front of me (because they think I don't understand Chinese) and the like. And I am used to this factor to. But the reason it makes me slightly perturbed is because I want to yell out, "you little bitches, come talk to me. OMG! You see me every day and the best you can do is get quiet when i walk by and giggle? How fucking old are you? Are you in fucking middle school? It is called saying, "hello." And in fact some of them are cute so it is double annoying. And why don't I say hi? I do sometimes but who wants to greet a pack of Taiwanese dudes that are laughing at you. Not welcoming.

******
So I showed my ugly side.

I haven't been to the track in a week. Although the sex life is the same, the bitterness has subsided and I don't feel the need to compete with my male peers in running. However, I can't guarantee that this is permanent feeling. I am thinking the best idea is to enter a 5k race. Get this excess energy out. I don't need to be calling Taiwanese dudes sissys. A bit unfair, no? Yes. Especially when I know a Taiwanese body builder (a friend from the gym) who really looks like he is made out of marble. He is also painfully shy...but heck he still talks to me. :-)

So what I am saying is: Taiwanese boys and men, when it comes down to it, you (along with the whole world of XY chroms)hold a special place in my heart. And outside of my blog (written while on runner's high)I will not think of you as a sissy.

BUT: you would stop giggling at me and start being like, "what up? Want to drink some tea and eat a duck head? “ 江同學，你要不要一起喝杯茶，吃個鴨頭？好不好？” 阿強，I would be fucking delighted.

Listen to me， acting like I have never been approached by a Taiwanese guy, 我真是的！

*****
Reading this I do realize the tone and implied appraisal of both, race and gender in this post.

Your comments are welcome.

Under my Umbrella: Everything I know About Parasols and 入境隨俗

And today we are going to talk about beauty standards in Taiwan, bullying, and my parasol-carrying-gangsta ass. How does that sound? Boring? It seems like it wouldn't have many layers but I think it does, and I want to talk about it.

So when I first arrived to Taiwan, early September, the weather was pretty hot. 80 sometimes pushing 90 and humid as fuck. And yet I would still see local ladies wearing jeans and a sweater. Sometimes they would also be wearing a hat, face mask, and carrying a parasol (that my friends, is the most extreme you will see.) And I am like...how do they not melt? I am melting in a tank top and shorts. I thought they were vampires. For real. (And a side note: I actually think that would be a really sexy drama: an island of Taiwanese-lady vampires. Student by day, blood sucking diva by night. Oh shit yeah. Go to the night market eat pigs blood cakes and then get your own blood feasted upon by a group of high school girls. YES!)

So later I was told that it is because Taiwanese gals don't like to tan. The whiter the skin the better. Than I noticed when I went to buy sunscreen I had to try really hard to find the kind that didn't have whitener (skin bleaching product) in it. Same goes for face wash and lotions. Must be super careful or else you end up using a product that is really harsh (perhaps dangerous) on your skin.

So after about a month it becomes apparent what the beauty standards are for women here. Just like most industrialized capitalist countries, complete with their predatory marketing, within a day, with a good sociologist eye, one can know what the standard of beauty is in a day. Really, just like the USA or anywhere in Europe.

But regardless that this is just another form of patriarchal beauty standards, the same kind of shit I tried to resist in the US, I had an extremely adverse reaction to these behaviors (carrying a parasol, buying whiting cream) anyway. I did the thing where I just blamed Taiwanese girls themselves, I was like, "dumb girls. What the fuck? You look like you need to go outside, exercise, and eat a fucking steak." I really said that. I am going to be honest here, no shame.

This was at a point in my time here in Taiwan where I was experiencing temporary insanity, also known as "culture shock." It is a real thing. And everyone deals with it in a different way. But here is what I will say about *my* experience with culture shock:

My perception was fucked. The (very loose) definition of mental illness is you are divorced from reality. From my own experience, I would say culture shock is a mental illness. Everything I saw, I just made assumptions. 疑神疑鬼 (I don't know if I can use that 俗語 here but it was like suspecting everything about Taiwanese culture was fundamentally fucked and possibly inferior to my own culture.) These blind assumptions turned into convictions, therefore divorcing me from reality. And it made Taiwan a living hell. Really. Almost took my mentally ill-ass back to the states.

It was pretty much one of the most intense experience of my lifetime. But you know how I got over the culture shock? 1.)Drinking tons of water and fresh fruit juice flushing out this bad outlook and 2.) more importantly, admitting that I probably misunderstood a few (fundamental) things about this place. And that I needed to start over, allowing for a new perception. It was a little more complex than that...most of all it just took time. But y'all get the general idea.

In case you don't feel me, ready for a metaphor? Cliche? ME? Nah! Getting used to living in a foreign country, to be specific, my experience in Taiwan has been like breaking in a new shoe. It could be any kind of shoe, but for me it was a sexy-ass high heal. So lets say, you are so excited to wear this sexy-ass heal...damn so sexy. Beyond the sexiness, when you tried it on in the store and it was quite comfortable and everyone (friends you went shopping with, store employee) assured you it was a good shoe. A perfect fit.

You buy the shoes, excitedly put them on and wear them a whole day. And then you discover an ugly truth. These shoes aren't comfortable, in fact these shoes are fucking painful. Your opinion of this shoe does a 260 and you never want to wear these fucking shoes again. And not only do you want to throw the shoes in the river, but you want to buy a different pair, a better fitting pair. Not only that, you also want to announce to the world how shitty these shoes are, warn your friends and family never to buy this type of shoe.

But instead, you just take the shoes off. Rest for a day, let the wounds and blisters on your feet heal. And when you put them on again, the pain is not so acute. And you start to wear the heals this way: when they hurt too much take them off, but when the wounds heal you continue to put those bitches back on.

And eventually, (after approximately 3 months) the shoes not only don't hurt, but you are wearing like and walking like a diva in the streets of Taiwan, waltzing passed spit out betel nut 檳榔 , pirouetting through parked scooters. Why go from hating the style to diva style? Because your feet are actually more flexible than you think, and they also callus. Where the shoe used to hit and cause pain is now accustomed and pain is replaced with a whole new sensation.

So, I am going to get back to beauty standards and parasols and bullying. Eventually. But I think it is important to highlight this aspect of culture shock and getting accustomed to a place. And bring up this awesome Chinese Idiom 成語 : 入境隨俗 (Ru Jing Sui Su) which is often translated into English as "when in Rome do as the Romans do." But in Chinese, this idiom has nothing to do with Rome. But it is about this: When entering a place or new culture you should pick up some of the habits. It ain't a bad thing. The more flexible you are (just like your feet in heals) the easier you become accustomed. And when you become more accustomed the better you can learn about the people, place, and culture. And this works better than being stubborn and making false assumptions about what a culture or place is all about (like I did in the beginning.)

Flash back to beauty standards in Taiwan. So yeah, white skin and the extremes some Taiwanese women go to achieve this. Well, it sticks out to the foreign (READ: western) eye. Just like well, just like about EVERYTHING else. Do you see packs of stray dogs in the US? Or a man washing vegetables you are about to eat in the street? Really. Shit sticks as different. As if you are in a foreign country or something

So, what I want to argue here is that the beauty standards in Taiwan, specifically the white skin thing, although is problematic, has the same implications as beauty standards in the US or any other country.

Before I was like oh how these girls pitifully agree to oppression, how can they be this obsessed with white skin? But after adjusting my 看法 way of looking at things I was like, well my country has this same kind of phenomena, it is just less apparent because I am used to it.

Let us take the same subject: skin color. In the states, girls and their tan skin lust. I will say, I ain't hatin' one bit, but is this not the same idea? Spending lots of money to go to the tanner, buying self-tanner creams (that may or may not turn you orange if you buy the wrong kind), bronzers, siting in the sun religiously everyday, so on and so forth.

So yeah, same idea, going out of ones way to alter their appearance for the sake of lookin good. In doing so not only spending one's dollars, but also possibly endangering one's health (whitening creams, tanning too often.) And is there anything wrong with that? Well, I guess that is how you look at it. I personally really don't think it is good or bad.

Following society's beauty standards is not always vapid or shallow, it often has other layers to it. For example, I know a lot of American women who have expressed that tanning is a form of relaxation for them. Or the fact that by protecting themselves from the sun Taiwanese gals actually are protecting themselves from skin cancer and over-exposure.

But in the end, either way, if a woman chooses to participate in patriarchal beauty standards does not make her oppressed, stupid, shallow or the like. People are not one dimensional, each and every one of us are complete with souls, and everyone has their reasons for colluding in hard-to-reach, 麻煩 troublesome beauty standards.

Also to note on race. If white skin is beautiful than black skin must be....well,yes you get it. And is racism a problem in Taiwan? Yes. Is racism a problem in other countries around the world? Yes. And from my experience in the US I find that racism is more sneaky under the guise of (we are cool with race here, I have black friends you know.) and it makes it almost more intense because it is harder to articulate the problem than it is here in Taiwan. But this aspect is another blog post all together. Racism and systematic oppression based on race: check and check. :-(

But in the end: women all over the world go through masochistic, self-inflicted pain to try to be what society deems perfect. And to try to compare which country's women are worse off is a fruitless comparison. Comparing experiences of oppression really is not the most useful way of understand oppression and how it functions.

How to understand oppression? Well, first off one must take out the shame in the fact that sometimes we all (and I mean everybody) participate and collude in systems of oppression (just ask bell hookshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_hooks.) For example some of us participate in crazy beauty standards, in an essence supporting them. And I ain't going to get all feminist analysis on yo' ass, but for real y'all, the more we take shame out of the equation the more we can talk about the issues at hand. Because shame is always used by the oppressor to keep those oppressed from talking about our own reality. So yeah, no shame you go to the tanner everyday! Should you stop because it is oppressive? Well that is not question for anyone else but that very person to answer. Is it even considered oppressive? Also up to that person to answer.

I am going feminist on ya. This is going to get too complicated. What I am getting at is: don't judge y'all. You can have your own feelings ways of behaving reagaridng certain aspects of beauty standards, but there is no need to place judgement and blame on others. Know what I mean yo?

***

So yeah I carry a parasol, like a Taiwanese girl. 入境隨俗 Doing like the Romans do.

Do I value the Taiwanese beauty standards as if they were my own? Well, in short, no. I didn't grow up here. I have not seen whiteness as a symbol of beauty my whole life.

But I did grow up knowing that young skin is good. And wrinkles...no woman wants wrinkles. *so the man says* Yeah I have been worried about premature aging since middle school....sunscreen is must for me yo.

But yeah, I get to Taiwan, and I start getting wrinkles. And beyond on that, Taiwanese (and Asians in general) tend to look fricken young. So with that in mind, when the locals guess my age here they guess....28. I am fucking 23! God damn it all!

And here sunscreen melts off me. And even with sunscreen on over exposure to the sun can still damage your skin and is bad for your health. So yeah, hence the parasol. So if anyone was wondering, that is my reason. I don't want premature aging or skin cancer.

In the end is the parasol carring related to beauty standards? Fuck yes (I don't want to age prematurely.) Am I ok with that? Yes. Even if the parasol will not prevent aging (because guess what? aging is natural) it makes me feel secure. Very secure and proactive. And guess what else? Like a motha fucking diva! Seriously! Like oh I am a lady...the sun, oh it is just too much for me. hee hehe. It just keeps getting "worse" and "worse" right?

Nah. I will say it again. Whatever works for you. This makes me feel secure about my self, and I am doing it. What of it? When I find that parasol becomes an oppressive force (and I become so obsessed with premature aging that I really start to sacrifice my health) then I will ditch it. But as of now, the sun umbrella,known as a parasol (although my doubles for rain as well) is a happy addition to my life on a tropical island.

Word.

So, a word to the bullying. Yeah a fellow international student said she "felt bad for me." Because apparently I have turned into a Taiwanese girl who carries a parasol for fear of turning dark. She also had a very disgusted look on her face. Maybe it was lost in translation (English not being her mother language) but uh, no need to feel bad for me yo. Me or the Taiwanese girls here. They don't care if you think it is strange they carry parasols, they will do it regardless. As will I. And really no need to feel bad for me. Life is good. A wrinkle or two has not at all taken away from my daily marvel of life.

Do I care? Well, I didn't like being bullied like I was in middle school again. I am just going to eat at the school cafe and some person gets all disgusted because I am carrying a parasol. But I get it yo. I also at one point (culture shock) have thought that the parasol carrying thing was kind of pathetic. But maybe my blog post can clear things up a bit or give some food for thought. Maybe not. But yo, yo, parasol carrying Taiwanese girls and me aren't actually pitiful. Indeed, no more pitiful than our make-up wearing sisters. Ya dig?

Also, I have used the word "diva" a lot in this post.

Aw, why did you have to make the oral contraceptive cry?

I could be doing my homework. Or I could watch cartoons in Chinese about oral contraceptives. Quite fascinating.

The concept of these cartoons begins with common misconceptions Taiwanese (or anyone but I assume the audience is Taiwanese) might have about oral contraceptives. For example, it will make you fat, want to puke, moody, never be able to have children again (after discontinuing use), etc.

And then the contraceptive, who is cute, pink, and personified cries and says, "You misunderstand!" It is so cute I can't even fucking stand it. Poor contraceptive! Don't misunderstand her folks.

These are really short videos. And if you don't speak Chinese I still think you might get the picture. Very entertaining!

And this is a pretty effective method because from what I see Asia is in love with cute shit and cartoons. For real. I have peeps to back me up on this.

The one you should pay attention to is the very first one on this channel. It features a user of oral contraceptives mother who comes in and pokes holes in her daughter's condoms while saying, "see if you still won't give me a grandson." And then when she sees the oral contraceptive is like, "the pill! oh she will never get pregnant!" And then at the end...the daughter says to her mother, "if you want a grandson, why didn't you just say something."

You all might be like what the fuck? Indeed. I could help clarify...but I am tired. Ok, that is not fair. Here are somethings to keep in mind about this:

1. Some old school Taiwanese still have the Chinese concept of men being better than woman. Worth more and what not. So they hope to have grandSONs and maybe not grandDAUGHTERS. 重男輕女

2. Uh the condom thing...I have heard rumors that this happens sometimes. And had a friend specifically warn me about this when I was dating my last boyfriend. Now what are mom's doing in your room? Well most Taiwanese live with their family...for a long time. Maybe after marriage, fr lots of reasons, financial, they are more family oriented than Americans tend to be, to care for the older parents in the name of filial piety 孝順, tradition, etc. Good thing I got out of that when I did. The condoms did stay at his house (with his mother.) This video almost made me faint.

Yeah. Enjoy yo! The batman movie is about the social stigma in Taiwan with buying contraceptives. I liked it.

And as far as I can tell this is not sponsored by a contraceptive company. It appears to be health related. I am not sure I will have to look into that more.

Enjoy. And remember don't spread rumors about the pill make and make her cry. It is such a sad sight.

雙雙 Today: 2 and 2

Today was a typical Saturday. Getting up late,grabbing a latte at 12 and chatting with the ladies at the coffee stand, exercising, getting together with friends, staying out too late. It is good. Life is good.

Today I marveled at the two points where my heart did that thing it does when it experiences human beings loving each other. It is that strange jumpy/warm thing. Like someone took one of those heating pads you put on your hands in the winter, and put it on my soul. Soul-heating-pads. That is not poetic. Who needs to be poetic at 4 AM when they are drunk? Some folks can pull it off, well that ain't my 天分 (talent) baby.

But being emotional is. It is my talent. My mom said at a young age (before I could understand a movie plot) I started crying at sappy chick flicks, so I take that as I sign I was meant to be over sensitive and emotionally charged. Right on. It might be one of my 優點 (strong points)...because appears to be the only one I have now at this point.


Two Heart Warming Things

1. So I am going to combined two things into one heart-warming experience, because well, the title is two and two. And otherwise it will mess up my intended format...and I am drunk and lazy and don't want to change it. So anyway, I go for my usual coffee at the coffee stand at the campus square. And I realize I totally forgot my money purse (I have the diaper bag-sized purse...but no money. So much for being prepared.)! And I am like, "stop don't make that latte I forgot my coin purse." And then the lady at the coffee stand is like, “不用客氣，改天好了！Don't worry about it, pay another day! But the way she said it, was like she has been expecting this for a long time. Something reassuring about having folks trust you, even if I do go there almost everyday to get the same coffee (iced latte, no sugar) for the past 7 months straight. And then as I am leaving I look over on the concrete benches lining the square, a middle aged Taiwanese couple, laying on a pair of benches,side by side, and their shoes thrown to the side, getting a reprieve from the intense summer heat. And then the struck me, was they were sitting just so, letting the bottoms of their feet touch. Something so intimate about that, and beautiful. And if you read "Cat's Cradle" by Vonnegut you would find another layer to this.

2. Today I went out with some friends. One of which I encouraged to drink with me. And so I am drunk (he is not because he actually likes moderation...) and we quickly breeze through the largest Night Market in Kaohsiung (at least I think it is瑞豐？) grab some snacks as we watch it close down (around 1 or 2AM.) And if you have never seen a night market close up shop...I recommend it. It makes one appreciate even more the marvel of this spectacular Taiwanese bazaar called the Night market. really. Amazing. Don't get run over by a truck hauling the goods out. Anyway, we go to the nearest coffee shop. Get drinks, I eat cake, shaped like a bear. I am so happy to eat cake. And then my friend begins to tell ghost stories. Which actually were beyond amazing. (1. I understood them. My listening comprehension is coming along 2. Telling stories is a great way to learn a language. So lately I have been listening to random folks stories (aka eves dropping on Taiwanese's conversations) and reading them. Because I remember that is actually how I became literate (ok somewhat) in my mother tongue, English.) Reall my he is a good story teller...complete with pauses and scary man voice.

And as he finishes my other friend mentions that he plans to drive me home (via scooter) and how one road is really scary and lonely. And he will be riding back alone. And ghosts..and the like. And then the conversation turns to Taiwanese language. Which of course I don't understand. And there is a reason for this I am sure (talking about how to deal with the lonely drive home?) It must be mentioned that the average Taiwanese is very superstitious about ghosts...I mean really. I have had very westernized, modern, from Taibei, friends who do no want you to mention ghosts if you are in an isolated, dark place.

Well anyways the heart warming part of this is. My friend ends up accompanying my other friend to drive me back to the dorm. Hence, avoiding the lonely, possibly ghost filled ride home. For all its differences from its American counterpart, I love Taiwanese masculinity (another blog post I promise you all...still doing research.)This moment made me think of my best friend, Hannah. And the things she was willing to do even if they were totally irrational (why not drive to Mount Pleasant to gamble at midnight? GREAT IDEA!) Good friends rock!

Two Things I Can't Get Over

I will keep these short because well I am getting tired. And why focus on the some-what less-than-positive aspects of life in Taiwan.

1. Discussing my facial features in front of me. I can hear you. And yes my nose and eyes are different because, guess what? I am a different race. Crazy...as much as I wish I could be Asian I am Caucasian and that is it.

I know my nose can be a topic of conversation (not in a negative way) in the states too. But that is with people I know very well. But in Taiwan random strangers bring it up and want to talk about it. Guys on first dates will compliment my nose. It is quite...uh interesting.

But on public transportation, going to meet friends and having folks like stare at you, talk about you, and then touch their own face longingly is not only creepy, but uncomfortable. Most of the times I ignore it. But today it was a couple (man and woman) and I found that particularly disturbing. Get your own nose bitches!

2. Yes, I am white. Yes, I speak Chinese. Good god...it is not that strange is it? I guess it it. But whenever Asia chooses to get over the fact that not all Americans think learning a second language in unpatriotic, I will be here....I will even talk to them.

But a simple request Mr.老闆 (man at food stand), please stop saying you bet I can't speak Chinese when I am saying to you (in Chinese)that I can. You heard me talking to my friends...and I don't understand why it freaks you out so much. Do you think it is strange you use all the money I, and other guests are giving you, to send your children to an after-school cram school to learn English? Do you think your children are like aliens when they practice speaking English?

But overall, these two things, although, things I am very accoustumed to, still somehow stick out as annoyance. Yet for real...they are not that bad. Actually these kind of instances tend to be my biggest woe...and that really, really, really ain't bad. I have ways of handling them. And tend to do it some-what gracefully without hurting anyone feelings, or making Taiwanese think (realize the truth) that is upsets me.

But my coping skills are another blog post all together. Now I just want to say: the heart warming things and annoying things....well to be honest, aren't all that different. They just remind me that...well we are all human here.

I can be trusting like the lady at the coffee shop, I can be insecure and shallow like folks on the subway, I can be intimate and sweet like the couple I can campus, and I can be callous and closed-minded like the boss at the food stand. I think everyone has their moments. And it is just that. Moments. Moments of life here and there...nothing paved in stoned, nothing black or white, good or bad...just movement. And for today, just blur of night markets, faces, and ghosts.

您的服務非常好！我感謝您！ Defying Gravity by Buying Bras in Taiwan.

I cringe. CRINGE! Taiwan is not a tipping society. Being a server and working in the people-serving industry makes you appreciate and understand why we have tips. In Taiwan, only under very special circumstances do you see a service person get a tip. Actually to be honest, I saw it for the first time the day before yesterday, when this Taiwanese guy was trying to impress me (maybe we was actually a very generous man who knows?) and tipped a bar tender. Don't get excited! It was like 20 Kuai or so (less than a $1 USD folks.) The other circumstance---other than trying to gain the Chinese concept of "face" which is another blog post (or 12) altogether---is when you are very rich and busy and say something like, "不用找" or "no need to get change" to the cab driver. And when did I see that? On a Taiwanese sitcom...not real life.

So the tipping thing is kind of complex. And I have lots of ideas and examples I would like to bring up----but that is not with this post is about . This post is about bras. Underwire. And omg....it is like being born again....really. But just to stop some of the outrage that might be emanating from my fellow servers back in the states I will just highlight a few things about service in Taiwan:

1. When you go to a restaurant in Taiwan the service is absolutely nothing like the US. Not to say that it is bad....but it is not like...like in the US where, "you are coming for the experience of eating out. For the food to be just like you like it." If you go to 一家小吃店 a typical mom and pop noodle place here in Taiwan (which I do for almost every meal) you might complain about the food (I haven't yet but have been with folks who have) and the owner might straight up argue with you and be offended.

2. Brings me to the next point. It appears...and I don't like to make vapid and foundation less (made that word up I think) generalization but it appears that Taiwanese complain a lot a less than Americans. Really. I have been with Taiwanese friends who will eat things that they didn't order (the staff bought the wrong thing) or things that don't taste right. One time I was with a friend who ate the food and said it was OK like no problem. And I mean, keep in mind this guy is pretty over the top, but still, we leave the restaurant and after a few blocks he is like, "that food was awful I am going to throw up." And he actually did. Right there on the side of the road.

3. Some places (most westernized bars...but sometimes more upscale places as well) will add a 10% gratuity.(yes that is the most you will ever see.)

So with these few things in mind, you may think, wow the service must suck. But it actually doesn't. In general that is because....well the difference in culture. I am in the middle of (and conforming to) a very different culture. And a non-tipping one at that. So it is just DIFFERENT. But I could go into the fine points of Taiwan's service industry another time. But I will say this: I have had some good service. Good service in which I didn't tip for (I swear to god it is the culture!!!! I do cringe. For example, you don't even tip the hairdresser. No tip to be like, "thanks for not fucking up my hair and making me look like an ass." I was flipping out. I kept asking my Taiwanese friends, "are you sure? There is no way I don't tip!" 真的假的？怎麽會這樣子？！)

But I have never had outstanding service. Until. TODAY!

I bought a bra. Or three. Ok, three!

I decided a week ago I need a bra with underwire. When I hit college (about 4 or so years ago) and I was very offended by underwire. I can't even remember why I hated the underwire. But I haven't worn an underwire bra in about three or four years.

In line with my recent, crazy changes of becoming more and more feminine (this is another blog post as well. My lifestyle has changed dramatically aside from the cultural and language stuff. It is insane. As well as awesome.) I decided I needed a bra with an underwire because:

1. It is really, really hot here. And I sweat everywhere. And that means...if your boobs aren't supported and skin against skin, well if you are a woman, you get where I am going with this.

2. I saw a picture of myself that particularly emphasized the fact that sometimes I look a little less than perky....to put it nicely.

So, with two awesome girlfriends, Jin Ting and Bri, I go to the department store. The Taiwan department store is the same concept as the U.S. mall, mindless (yet oh-so-temporarily satisfying) consumerism, yet set up a different way. So the department stores tend to go up, not out (like our lovely US malls.) So, 大遠百 (Mega)the department store we went to was some 17 stories. And each story is a department (hense the name) selling the same type of goods. For example, the 5th will sell women's clothing, 8th floor, sporting goods. Like that.

So, then you get to your designated floor and department you feel like you are in one big store. One big department at JC Penny for example. At least that is how I feel. "Wow, one big bra store with each section having its designated brand-name." But what you come to find out is that actually each brand name has its own service people. It is like each is its own store. This is different than the US. It could be really confusing if you don't realize it. Like you are looking at one bra and then without paying attention move a few feet away and look at a different bra...but this is actually a different "store." So I often have service people herding me back into my original store of interest. It is quite amusing.

So, we randomly come to one section, mostly because they had non-ugly non-lace bras. The main deciding factor for me on whether service is good or bad in Taiwan is the first impression and what I will call "the foreigner factor." Being white in the south of Taiwan I run into lots of...well, I have gone over this. But lets just say, I stick out like a red wine stain on white linen. And people don't know what to do. They are obsessed with English. Really. So they just see me and are like, AH! What do I do? She doesn't speak Chinese. She is FOREIGN. She will think I am dumb, I don't speak English...who knows what all goes through their minds? But let me say I cause some major stress for these people, simply by being whitey.

But if a service just approaches me like any other customer---I AM BEYOND HAPPY. I am a customer before I am a foreigner. And when I speak to the service person in Chinese they respond in Chinese just like no big thing.

A turn off, and something that just pisses me off, makes me loose my manners, makes me not buy, is when a person refuses to talk to me in Chinese. Or after speaking to me Chinese feel they need to "translate" into English, so they scream (really their voices get so loud when they speak English) out simple English half-sentences at me. I am done after that. Bitches, I don't spend hours everyday study Chinese so I can hear broken English when I am trying to buy shit. Sometimes I hand them back their merchandise and say in Chinese, "wow! Your English is so fluent!" I don't know why it pisses me off so much. But it feels really embarrassing when you speak to someone in their language, a language you are studying in college, and they just respond in English. I know my Chinese isn't fluent yet, but I understand enough to buy things, ask question, and talk pretty fluidly. I have done it many, many times without a hitch. So recently I pretend like I don't speak English. And that is more fun. Or better yet, something I will try next time someone refuses to speak to me Chinese, I will pretend I can't understand their pronunciation. "I am sorry I don't understand your English. Can I trouble you to speak Chinese." Hee hee....I am going to hell.

So yeah, this service women comes out and just starts talking to me about how the pads in the bras can be removed. And helping me find the style I like. Nothing about foreigner stuff, no singular English words screamed out, just clearly spoken Chinese, and patient answering of my questions. Then when I go to try on the bras she says, "Your Chinese is very good." Which I just want to make clear does not mean it is true. Taiwanese folks will say that to you just hearing you say a few simple sentences. But still, that was the closest she got to the foreigner factor.

But this is an aside. The real service happened in the dressing room. She gets me a few styles to try on and then says to me, "Ok, when you try it on I am going to come in and see if it fits you properly in the shoulder and bust. I will knock first." And I am like momentarily like, "say what?" But them I am like shit OK, this is good. It is her job to know how it fits.

She comes in and asks me some questions about how it fits and then brings up the fact that has only been brought up to me one other time before (by my mother and it was quickly dismissed by my 17 year old self) and that is: there is a special method to wearing underwire bras. A right way...and then many wrong ways.

And I am standing in the dressing room with her thinking, man I don't know how this thing works. It can't be that complex can it? So she is explaining to me how to do it, and I tell you it wouldn't have mattered if it was English, I would have still been so lost. I got what she was saying but I am like...really? You lift and pull up? If I do that my tit is going to fall out of this puppy.

And then she did something that I think goes way beyond service I have ever had in the US. For real. She is like, I can help you and show you what I mean. I have to touch under the bra, is that ok? And I am like ok whatever we are all ladies. But she puts one hand on the underwire, and the other hand does this crazy under-the-bra upward-swooping, split-second, magical motion and BAM! GOD DAMN! Holly shit!

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS ON MYSELF. My boobs have never looked this...WOW! I mean it was really transforming...mentally and physically. I felt so supported, yet I really looked like, you know how sometimes you see pop-stars and/or Victoria secret models and it looks like their boobs are like pressed up in some lace piece, I have always thought wow, that looks fucking uncomfortable. BUT GUESS WHAT? It isn't! It is so supportive...and it looks sooo, soooo, well, nice.

So every bra I tried on this women helped me. She like coached me on how to wear the bra. Really the service was like if my mom opened a brassier store and when I was old enough to need a bra she took me there and told me how to properly wear one. REALLY! It was so informative and so...gravity defying. God damn, what a magical and caring service person.

Compare that to my experience at age 17 at a vitoria secrect store. A bitchy-looking college girl who is willing to tell me all the different "lines" of bras (lace intimates, seamless, blah blah.) But when it came to wearing it....well I thought it was too small, but in reality it was because I did not know the secret "swoop and filling magical motion." And my mom kept being like, "You need to lean over when you put it on. You need to fill the bra." And I am all like 17 and embarrassed. "Mom, omg! I know how to wear a bra!" But the girl just like doesn't say anything, and gets me a bigger size. The underwire, would not serve its purpose and I would wear an ill-fitting uber expensive bra. Thank you lacking Victoria Secret service person! ***Sorry, I know some of ladies reading this LOVE Victoria Secret. I was just talking to Jin Ting and Bri. Jin Ting says at VS don't help you with fitting bras and Bri said they do only if you ask. And that they assume you have the common sense of wearing a bra. But really it doesn't seem very common sense thing to me...there is a secret swooping action involved. And it takes practice (the sales lady said to me yesterday 在家多練習！to do more practice putting on the bra.) But ladies if you have had good service at VS please feel free to share. I do know if you came to Taiwan you can get similar under ware goodies (mostly imported from Europe and US), better service, and CHEAPER prices.

Hence, until yesterday I didn't know the MAGIC of underwire bras. It is magic. And wonderful. And supportive. I can jump and feel like wow no problem...everything is compact, close to my body, and light.

And yes. Underwire bras are worth a blog post. And yesterdays service is too. So happy and feeling sexy. Almost as sexy as this video. Underwire transforming the way I feel about my boobs surprised me as much as finding out that my favorite Korean pop group, Super Junior sang songs in Chinese. As they say, the best thing since sliced bread!

So although this music video is totally unrelated to this post please feel free to watch it. I actually bought this CD after I bought the bras so it is sotra kind of related in my mind. And Super Junior is good anytime. They are sooo sexy. Beyond sexy...they are sexy like underwire bras.

Conclusion: Yay Taiwan. Yay good service! Yay underwire! Yay sexy Koreans who sing in Chinese and dance like awesome bad-asses! These are a few of my favorite things...

Video you must watch

No Tigers Here！My Chinese New Year: Buddhist Chanting, Sexy Italian Travel Companion, and Rain.

After the 3rd day of sleeping in until 2 and eating packaged baked goods from 7/11 for breakfast I decided it was time to do something else. I am on a 10 day vacation from classes being it is Chinese New Year. This is the biggest celebration in Asia. And I figured: I have time, why not do something impulsive?

The impulsive behavior erupted out of the fact that I originally had a nice plan. A plan that my Chinese teacher, who assigned the report (due when we are back from vacation) about what we do for Chinese New Year would have L-O-V-E-D. The original plan was to spend the New Year with a conservative Taiwanese family---my EX!boyfriend's family. We could have done all the usual stuff...wholesome and oh-so Chinese: 打麻將啊，貼春聯啊,跟友戚團圓啊，拿紅包啊，說恭喜發財啊, play majong, hang up New Year Scrolls, reunite with family, receive/give red envelops (they have money inside yo!), and say, "Congratulations, get rich!" (Which is probably a really bad translation of 恭喜發財Chinese-speakers please cut in now.)

But, NO! I opted for something else. Something that reeks of debauchery. That is right! So the past three weeks have been those of pure 復雜 complications. And that is because I fell for a guy...and he is not my boyfriend....and well it is REALLY REALLY complicated. But suffice it to say that it really is like a Taiwanese drama---but since it would be written by a Taiwanese person I am probably painted as the "bad guy(girl)" and my shallow膚淺, cheapskate小氣鬼, of an ex-boyfriend is the "tragic hero." Regardless of the roles we would play---for real the ex- had to go. It was all good while it lasted.

So, fast forward to a few days ago: NOTHING to do!!!! SO I rock the impulsive: I am going to go by myself to Taibei and I am, diva-style taking the most expensive form of transportation---高鐵 The High Speed Rail (HSR). Fuck yeah. And it is high speed. And fucking comfortable. It is pretty much worth it if I must say it. If you buy it on a whim and without opting for cheaper times to ride, the tickets cost you around 45 USD one-way. And it gets you across this island in about an hour and a half. All I had to do was ride Kaohsiung's subway to HSR and then the HSR to Taibei's subway and finally right to my hostel. I was sitting in Taibei hostel 2 hours after I left my dorm room in Kaohsiung. Pretty smooth...pretty smooth.

The Taipei hostel is an amazing hostel and I highly recommend it to all those who are going to Taibei. I paid $500 TB or roughly $15 bucks USD a night for a single room. And they actually gave me a double because no one was around. It is in central Taibei and a short walk from the subway station. I like it because you tend to meet a lot of interesting travelers and get wasted with them on a roof top veranda overlooking the sky scape.

I arrive and see a friend "uncle Kevin" who has been living at the hostel. After a warm welcome he suggested that I head to the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial 國立中正紀念堂. Armed with an umbrella (that would become my faithful travel companion later in this trip) I walked the 7 minutes to the memorial stopping on the way to order some breakfast food. It still surprises me to find the lone hot dog in my noodles. I don't know what it is with Taiwanese food but once in a while you find hot dogs in the most random food, (curry, noodle dishes, rice, etc...). It is about half the size of a an "American style" hot dog, usually not cut up, just a lone weenier. It tastes the same as a normal hot dog, nothing special, but what the fuck is it doing in my curry?


I will call The Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial (along with the National Concert Hall國家音樂廳 and National Theater 國家戲劇院) "Taiwan's Tienanmen Square." Who likes over simplified comparisons? ME! I say this because it does just what hero-worship awe-inspiring places are are supposed to do: make you say, "ooooooooo and ahhhh." And if you are me you think, "Whoa it is crazy that all around the world tax dollars are used to build monuments to honor a men of questionable moral integrity." And then as I stand in the middle of meandering tiles stretching the span of 3 football fields, getting dizzy, a lone foreigner among families and friends, I remember this place is not about Chiang Kai-Shek. And even if it is HIS memorial it is not like this diva hasn't made some mistakes that could possibly mar her own integrity. (However my mistakes have not cost anyone their life nor am I the leader of a nation state. Just a few broken hearts...etc. Further more, my mistakes are not in the name of capitalism either...in the name of lust? Is that any better? Probably not. Moving on.)

Now to the big house, the place of all worship...Chiang Kai-Shek's statue. I meet an elderly man of unknown nationality who wants me to take his picture. At first I thought he was Taiwanese or at least a Chinese speaker. But he couldn't(or didn't) respond when I spoke Chinese and he didn't speak English either. He was adorable and he made me take quite a few different shots until I got the right angle he liked---a photo shoot using sign language.

It is funny because in my opinion, 蔣介石 Chiang Kai-Shek, the first president of the Taiwan, is a crook who perverted the idea of democracy and upheld totalitarianism along with fierce capitalist market. Basically a real fuck-face. But god damn, his statue is so cute. He looks warm and fuzzy---a real nice guy. There he is with his cute yet wise smile, the words democracy printed in large letters over his head. I personally like my democracy with a little martial law on the side. Yes Mr. Generalissimo, you want to destroy democracy but I would love love love to have a beer with you...oh shit wait...never mind, no more Bush references.


And like what is up with this sign? Oh shit...good thing I wore my Sunday best. This actually wasn't where anyone could see it. It was on the back of another sign showing where the bathrooms were. But I stumbled (aka almost ran into this sign) upon on it and though it was amazing.


Also visited a beautiful garden in back of Chiang Kai-shek's memorial. So peaceful. I took a walk, discovered a bed of pineapples. Was amused by two aspects: 1.)Who knew pineapples grew underground? Shit, I thought pineapples were from trees and I ain't ashamed to say so. 2.)I wouldn't have know these were pineapples unless I could read Chinese. For once, Chinese was straight forward. Thank god! Fuck Binomial nomenclature! Who the fuck gets that shit?

This was probably my favorite part of Taibei. The mood in this garden was so happy and warm. Being the Chinese New Year (comparable to our western Christmas and New Year) everyone was greeting each other and in a celebratory mood. I greeted a middle aged Taiwanese man. After he got over the surprise that I said, 春節快樂，恭喜發財！"Happy New Year! May you prosper in the new year! (still not confident on that translation)He raised his hands to sky, mouth open wide in a half smile half laugh and yelled toward the heavens, "YEAH! 恭喜發財！恭喜發財！！！！！”Quite a nice walk in the park. Nice, considering it would be the last view of sun I would see for the next 3 days. Also the last time for my whole trip to Taibei that my feet would be dry and warm.
And then there were the hand painted lamps. I thought of my mom when I saw these. Maybe because many of them were red. I thought she would have enjoyed this part a lot.


As I return back to main square a man runs up to me and asks me in English if he can get his picture with me. Since I am in the best mood ever, I respond in Chinese, "Sure, but can I ask you, is this because I am a foreigner?" To which he responds in Chinese, "I am a foreigner too. It is actually because you are pretty." So what the hell? Photo opt for Vietnam and U.S. peace relations. I like the picture of me with this gentlemen because although you can't see it he is actually holding my hand. Hence my facial expression/surprised laughter. His friends also joined in the fun. The war was brought up (not by me, surprise, surprise) and apologies were made and accepted. Then one of the friends, a woman, asks me out of the blue, "哪一個which one?" Which really confused me, as it could mean anything. So after some clarification I realize she is talking about the guys and asking me which one I want. What kind of party is this? I sheepishly say I have a lunch date and that I must be on my way.



The rain started (and would not stop for the rest of my stay.)I meet up with my Australian friend, Zak in 西門町 XiMen Ding, a shopping area in Tabei. This place is actually really hip. Hip enough to make me feel under-dressed and old. Say whaaaat? But it was fun, I dance around in the rain, looked at mass amounts of shoes, was flattered by a sales woman into buying a mesh sweater (cute!), made some Taiwanese dudes blush, and then we decided to move into the "gay district" to grab some eats (I actually just drank beer.) Flirted with the HOT host (he was soooo looking at me, confirmed by my friend too) at the gay bar across the way. Then it occurred to me that he might be gay...and then like what? Do I look like a man? The answer is yes. I am about as manly as most Taiwanese dudes under 30. Ok...sorry that was a low blow. We find some stalls selling odds and ends. Fucking trendy ass jewelry. And those of you from PDX, so Portland it killed me and made me homesick. Would have held their own at most over-priced clothing boutiques in PDX and for sure at Last Thursday. And so I JUST HAD TO BUY SOME STUFF! Hanz and Emma you got some rad jewelry coming your way---handmade by some FABULOUS queens straight out of Taibei. Fuck yes. Made friends with these fellas. Tried hitting on the one in the black hat. Asked the boss, "他也喜歡男生嗎？So does he like boys too?" Answer, "maybe." Damn.



That night I hang out with a mixed Euro-crowd, tried to explain why Americans are bad at geography, drank a pint a whiskey and a couple bottles of Taiwan beer and THEN decided I want to go dancing. It might be because the Korean dudes showed up. Quite possibly the shiest people I have ever met but we went out anyway. So yeah, good men. I scared them half to death with my 活潑和我直接的個性 my liveliness and my very direct way of speaking. But thank the gods they took care of me (and REALLY REALLY could dance. I am done with that stereotype that Asians can't dance. Period. I promise!) But what transpired was naughty and more alcohol was added. Uh oh! Danced my ass off...saw a beautiful Taiwanese dude just watching me and not dancing at all. He looked slightly grumpy. So I point at him and dance my way over to him and then, he smiles. Alright. Next thing I know: making out, dancing, heading outside. Asking him if he is Tai Ke. “你是臺客嗎?” Tai Ke is a bit hard to explain,just suffice it to say they are the delinquents of Taiwan. Answer: "yeah." I am very excited by this. I try to make him eat breakfast with me. "Are you hungry? Lets eat together! Let me buy you some breakfast! You look too skinny you really ought to eat." I am getting his number. And then my Korean friends are like, "Oh no, uh, wait you aren't leaving with him are you?" Bless their hearts, they pull me aside and try to talk some sense into me. And then I turn around to try to finish getting sexy Tai Ke's number and he is GONE. The disapointment of my drunken ass was immense. The rest of the night consisted of more dancing, drinking, sitting with some drunken Taiwanese guys as they move in and out of consciousness outside the club “同學這個地方不適合睡覺嘛", feet hurt, cab back to the Hostel with Korean group, recap my night with the cab driver and cry. He gives me a discount on cab fare.

The next day I wake up late, head hurting, need COFFEE or I will kill someone. I am feeling less like I am heat than the day before. DAMN. Maybe getting ditched by sexy Tai Ke hurt the ego enough to calm my sex drive. Meet a friend at 龍山寺 Long Shan Temple. Settle for 7/11's coffee (in the most westernized city in Taiwan that actually does have good coffee. Somewhere? Just not near the temple so a little part of me dies.) Eat stinky tofu for breakfast. Thankful the fact that it isn't raining---that hard.

Part with my friend, feeling slightly like a rung-out rag. Decide to go by my lonesome to vist 臺北孔廟 Taibei Confucious Temple. It is raining pretty steady. Tempautre is cool. Portland's winter weather. Smells like Portland (with the stink of Taiwanese food and the poor sewage system added), feels like a Portland type of day, but the people and culture are not Portland. I walk around the temple, which althugh is quite beautiful and alive (folks praying and what not)I feel like a total outsider. It is like I put this temple in an aquarium and brought it into the local middle school, "observe class, this is a Chinese spiritual practice." Wax figures of Confucious, people holding insence sticks and bowing to shrines rich with fruit offerings, ringing of an oversized bell. I go and buy a hot coffee at "Confucious' cafe" (China's first teacher liked his coffee too I guess) and watch an older man feeding a squirrel nuts. He is watching me too---as if he wants to say something but isn't sure if I will understand. I want to talk to him too, but I am pretty sure that I will break out into tears because he really reminds me of my dad. And then I go into this little garden behind the temple and the rain continues and the cup of coffee is warming my hands just so...and this time I can't help myself, and I just cry. ALthough I am the only one in the garden besides a woman practicing Tai Chi, I try not to make it obvious that I am crying and just sorta let the tears roll down naturally (no crazy sobbing.) "Mom always said that this will make me feel better," I think to myself while I focus on the circular dragon-horse painting at the end of the bridge.

This is the first time yet I have felt homesick enough to cry in Taiwan. Before, when I considered going home early it was all because at that time I couldn't stand Taiwan. But this experience at a confucious temple was pure homesickness. I just wanted to be near friends and family. I wanted the USA. But most importantly Portland, OR. I want breakfast that kicks ass, art, friends, music, bridges, well fed, happy animals, clean air, liberal politics, well maintained sidewalks, community organizing, women's bookstore, park blocks, dive bars, ecentric people, interesting conversations, amazing local beer....and ok,you get it.



I return to the hostel, cold and wet (canvas shoes: not so good in the rain.) I decide to take a nap. The hostel is right next to a pretty large Buddhist temple, Shan-dao Temple 善導寺 so I am laying there listening to Buddist chants and pondering whether I ought to stay another year in Taiwan. Is this just in another honeymoon phase? Do I want to spend my life working with this language and culture? And I fall asleep and have this dream: My Taiwanese lover is moving out of his appartment (actually true) and leaving Kaohsiung and he tells me I should rent his apartment. I am like ok I am going to check it out. So I go there and it is this red hallway with orange lighting, rather dark. And I am walking up these stairs, floor after floor. And as I go the hallways and stairwells keep getting smaller and smaller. I finally get to his old room and I am crouched down (practically squating) and the door is about a foot and a half high. I am starting to feel clousterphobic but I still feel compelled to rant outloud, sort of like when I first got to Taiwan and was having very bad culture shock. I would just rant to anyone that would listen like a pissed off mad woman. Anyway, in my dream I go off saying, "I don't remember Taiwanese being this small. What the fuck is up with this? What if I 'big foreigner' wants to rent this room? If you want freakishly small rooms why not get your own damn building and call it 'small people's villa'?" And at the end of the dream I said to myself, "I am just too big for all this. I just don't fit." And I was focused on that when I woke up. I don't fit. And needless to say (maybe needless to say) my lover is of a normal man's proportions. And his door in real life is not 1 foot and a half tall.

I went to bed early that night. Spend the next day in the rain---wet and bored at more tourist sights. And then that night I meet the sexy Italian travel companion who wanted to go south. He is staying at the hostel because he is set to PHD research in Taibei. But he has a few days left of vacation so we decide to flee from the rain together.

A night spent in Kaohsiung and my Italian companion and I plan to meet at Kaohsiung mainstation at 9AM the next day. The plan is to go to Kending, a tropical beach paradise a couple hours south of Kaohsiung. But unfortunatly we are standing in the rain, it followed us south, reporting to each other that everyone we talked to advised us NOT to go to Kending. So what to do? This cab driver approaches me and asks if I am going to Kending and I tell him we are thinking of going to the Taroko Gorge 太魯閣. He was incredibly helpful, gave me a map,dirrects me to Hualian 花蓮, and told me to take the train because it was the best way. God bless Taiwan sometimes. What kind of cab driver tells you to take a train?

Called Taiwanese lover who said that it was too far to go to Hua Lian and that it was a bad idea. I told him that we were already on the train so it was too late. Rode the "fast" train (to be confused with with the HSR) for about 5 hours. Made it to HuaLian. Charming town, ate good sea food, drank some beer. Raining a bit still. But I told my travel companion that I think delusional thinking is the best, so I kept saying, "Can't wait until tomorrow's sunshine!"

And guess what? The next day was clear and sunny. Felt super accomplished this trip because I got to use the Chinese skills to get to places I had no idea how to go. I talked to information desk in Hua Lian about getting to a little town right in the middle of the Toroko Gorge called Tian Xiang 天祥. They helped me figure out what bus to ride, listed some hikes, and called for me to reserve a room at a hostel there. This was a success and a testament to the fact that maybe I can learn this language. To give it some perspective when I first got to Taiwan, I had trouble ordering a drink in Chinese. Coming along...coming along...慢慢來.

Took a bus along a winding mountian road much like the ones the US probably had back in the 50's, a bit unsafe and pretty narrow. And the bus if I remember right, was not an automatic. Saaaaay whaaaat? An hour and half later of the most amazing scenery I had seen in a looooongggg time, we arive Tian Xiang. Really rivals Columbia gorge! And I say that with confidence! Beautful...the pictures do no justice!!! For real. The pictures practically make the gorge look ugly. We stayed in a protestant church's hostel. It was created by a bunch of Germans. And it was the cutest place I have ever stayed. I had a thought of seeing if I could convert and just stay there forever. That would be sweet.

But I did eventually make it back to Kaohsiung. And for impulsive, one-woman journey to Taibei, my Chinese New Year didn't turn out half bad. Moral of the story: no canvas shoes in the rain. Also, still waiting on a dream interuptation. Any guesses?

PS-If these photos aren't showing up for ya'll please let me know. Thanks!

不好意思，我不會說英文！I am so sorry, I don't speak English.

A little bitch fest about ONE of the the MANY reasons studying Chinese in Taiwan can be frustrating.

I will sum it up in one sentence: "If I wanted to speak English with the locals I would have studied abroad in Sydney, Australia."

So, yeah, aside from this, is the fact that in Southern Taiwan people don't just speak Mandarin Chinese 國語 (the national language and the language which I am studying) they also speak Taiwanese 臺語. Taiwanese and Chinese are not two different dialects---they are two different languages. So that can be frustrating because one influences the other. For example in the south of Taiwan, where I live, most families exclusively speak Taiwanese in the home, because of this, when they speak Chinese they actually have a Taiwanese accent. In a word, when some Taiwanese (especially older folks) speak Chinese it doesn't sound like standard Mandarin Chinese.

But I can deal with this. I LOVE what we call Taiwan's GuoYu 臺灣國語, Taiwan's Mandarin Chinese. I see the use of Taiwanese as resistance of mainland China's government influence and it gives Taiwan it's special character. I truly love it. Also, Taiwanese sounds sexy to me. Hahaha. Most slang, swear words, and naughty sexy talk exists in Taiwanese. If you ask Taiwanese certain swear words, insults, slang, most can only think of how to say it in Taiwanese. I was just talking to a Taiwanese friend and he said he felt like in most situations with intense emotions (anger, love, passion...etc) Taiwanese is more appropriate to use. To him Taiwanese has more feeling. Also much of Taiwanese food is (surprise surprise) said in Taiwanese. If you use mandarin Chinese name to order the food you sound like a big tool---or a foreigner.

Hence why I really want to hurry up and learn Chinese so I can start learning Taiwanese. I have fallen in love with this island--and someone on this island who is not my EX!boyfriend---but that is another blog post altogether. 很復雜l嘍！I swear to god I will come back to the states---for a little while. But I keep dreaming about moving and making a life here.

Off topic! Back on topic: an annoyance and minor obstacle in learning Chinese: ENGLISH! Most all young Taiwanese learn English in school. God damn the fact I am from the world super-power. Damn you global hegemony!!!! Damn you economic imperialism and globalization! DAMN! These factors make my mother language, English, a hot commodity. And since this hot commodity can come out of my mouth, I become a hot commodity too. In fact American-English is truly a hot market. I have heard from many people that if you are an American finding a job teaching English is very easy because they "like our accent." AKA: since our country is powerful American-English is popular to learn. In fact I often see signs on cram schools that say 美語 Mei-yu and have an American flag on it. It literally means American-language. So yeah, there are a few (well-intentioned) Taiwanese that see me as an opportunity to practice English.

But here is my problem: I came to Taiwan just so I would be FORCED to use Chinese. I want to be in a Chinese speaking environment. It is one thing if I am doing a language exchange. I have a quite a few friends that I do this with; we speak half Chinese and half English. And since these folks and I have an agreement I feel that this is fair. These meetings are all very helpful for both parties and I enjoy them very much.

我的看法, the way I see it: We are in Taiwan, the national language is Chinese, I can speak Chinese, so unless you say up front you want to practice English we should speak Chinese on default. But it is not like that.

It is almost like some folks have the mindset that since I have this ability to speak 美語American English that I should share my talent. Here is one example out of many: I am at a bar with a friend (Taiwanese.) And we are speaking all in Chinese. And the bartender comes and talks to us. Then she asks us if we use Chinese or English to communicate. And we say Chinese. And then she is like why don't you have a language exchange...and he speaks English and you speak Chinese. But my question is why? My friend doesn't have my interest in using or improving his English and I am IN TAIWAN. This happens often. If I am speaking all Chinese with folks it is like it is viewed as a wasted commodity: American English. And another note about the exchange of me speaking Chinese and the other people speaking English: this really does not help any one's language skills. In fact my biggest problem in Chinese right now is my listening comprehension. It helps to hear and speak Chinese. HENCE why I came to a Chinese speaking country.

One look at my white face and the English just comes right out of their mouth. I have one friend who I meet at the track. And he uses random English phrases...intermittently with the Chinese. And when he uses English he speaks with like an uber-loud voice. So I am listening really intently to his Chinese and my brain is working really hard to understand and then ear-splitting non-sensiscal English comes out. Most of the time I really think it Chinese. So I will be like oh what does that mean? And then he will say it in Chinese and then I understand that he was actually speaking English and it sounded like, well, Chinese. For example the other day, he walks up and says, "you are too later." Which sounded a bit like Chinese "wu er tu le te" Nonsensical Chinese. 原來他的意思是 "妳來太晚." It turns out he meant "You came later than usual." I really am not a fan of this behavior. He has asked me a couple times to help him correct his English. But I told him that I really came to learn Chinese and prefer to speak Chinese. I left out the fact that he only says like 3 words at a time in "English" so it would be hard to correct this sort of "English." Sadly, the crazy English phrases continue.

But here is the deal. I have gotten empowered about using Chinese. I don't mind sharing my skills and helping folks with English but this is all in moderation. I am spending money and I am working hard to learn this language and I want to use it. I didn't move thousands miles away from everything I have ever known just to have a series of language exchanges. I can have language exchanges in the US, but I came for total immersion. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am putting it this way: you go to a foreign country to learn the national language, how would you feel if many of the people you meet insist on speaking to you in your mother tongue? So now I have a line: 《不好意思，我就是來臺灣只要說國語的。不過，我認識很多不會說國語的國際學生，我可以給你介紹認識他們。你可以跟他們你練習英語。》"I am sorry, I came to Taiwan just so I could speak Chinese. However, I know a lot of foreign students who can't speak Chinese, I will introduce you to them and you can practice English with them."

Because it is true. There are a lot of foreigners (ok not a lot, but in comparison to foreigners who want to learn Chinese) who come to Taiwan to study, teach English, etc...who don't have interest in learning Chinese. So I know that I am not the only opportunity Taiwanese folks have to practice English.

So here is my little ranty letter:

Dear well intentioned Taiwanese people,

Just because I am white does not mean that it is impossible for me to learn Chinese. Further more, I do not need you to help me translate. Your "English" is sometimes more confusing than if you talked to me in Taiwanese. If I don't understand something in Chinese you can actually use Chinese to explain what it means. Or just say it again a bit more slowly.

You can also use a normal volume of voice if you are inclined to talk to me English....I am not deaf. And if we have already had several functional conversations in Chinese, including topics of society and politics it feels a bit patronizing when you explain to me in front your friends what 女生 nu sheng "woman" or 牛肉麵 niu rou mian "beef noodles" mean in English. If I didn't know how to say beef noodles in Chinese I would have starved to death by now.

Please don't use the fact that you can speak English as a status symbol that you can show off. For example speaking to me all in Chinese until we are in a public space crowded with people. And then acting as if I need help ordering a drink. I don't need you to suddenly whip out the translation skills at the night market. Where were these translation skills when we were at your house and I was trying to figure out what 生理反應 "physiological reaction" was? Why do you suddenly want to have English conversations in public? This paragraph is especially dedicated to my ex-boyfriend.

I understand English is a skill that EVERYONE seems to want. It has become the "international language." And I personally feel bad about the globalization thing that makes English such a necessity. Really it is fucking bullshit. However, if you want to learn English please direct yourself to the nearest 補習班 "cram school" or find a foreigner who isn't a Chinese language student. They would be happy to have a local help them understand the culture and you would get to practice English.

***

Luckily these situations aren't even close to a majority. And most Taiwanese respect the fact that I want to learn Chinese. Therefore I am able to help them a bit with English but we use Chinese to communicate. This is the best.

In fact while writing this I had a funny experience that is opposite of what this blog post is about. Due to the fact that it is Chinese New Year all the tenants in the dorm have to leave, the sole exception being foreign students. So anyway, there is a knock on my door. And a woman looks at me with a blank, slightly bored face, lacking the "oh shit I should ought to be speaking English" expression and says, "You aren't Taiwanese are you?" She had no idea how much this made my day! I say, "No I am an exchange student." And she is like "ok, no problem."

So this is one of example of how it ought to be. Using Chinese with no apologies for not speaking to me in English. Just like it is for students who study in the US. No one in the US apologizes to Chinese exchange students because they can't speak Chinese. But that happens to me all the time here in Taiwan before I even open my mouth to say, "hey no problem, I can speak Chinese. And in fact I love to!"