It's like my heart has been Typhooned 我覺得像我心裏有颱風。

So, a week ago today I had minor (majorish) freak-out. Planned on being home right now---playing in snow spending Chirstmas with the family and head back to Portland to start the winter term. Thank god I didn't write an email to the advisor. I will save you the details of the salsa with stray dogs and taking advice from a J-Lo song. Although some of you all know about the temporary insanity.

So what made me stay? Uh, nothing really in particular--it's easier to stay. Part of it was pride, I suppose. Plus, the big thing in my head was "why not?" I could finish my Chinese degree requirements here, get somewhat proficient in Chinese, all at a significantly lower standard of living. Plus, a little bird told me, that living in other cultures different from your own exponential increase your world view. Let us hope.

So now my negative, condescending voice comes out and says: "Really? You just thought you would stay on the tropical island because 'why not?' It's not like it is the opportunity of a lifetime or anything. Some people will never study abroad and you act like it's pulling teeth. How ungrateful!" That's my mean, judgmental, unforgiving voice.

I suppose judgemental voice gets some validation because study abraod is often viewed as a vacation with some studying. And some students have this experience. They come for a few months, travel a lot, aren't learning the language, and go to classes in their mother tounge. And I am not being a hater. If that's your thang...live it up. Enjoy! I did my share of partying and "living it up" in Portland before I left. I came to Taiwan to learn Chinese. Plus, even if I wanted to, the funds to live it up have long since dried up (no more amazing tips from waiting tables.) Although I do have my moments of fun....it's not all 辛苦 toil of course.

I am trying to learn this crazy fucking language. And it's not easy, to put it lightly. You really do have to invest time to do so, whether its talking with Taiwanese folks, studying, reading, doing homework, it all takes time. And if you are doing something right...you should be doing a bit of all of these activities. It's totally possible. I know I can do it. But then I look around me, have some of these bad experiences, I have a reaction like, "Do I want to invest my time? I don't think I want to talk to these people."

What an awful thought! But I mean, really why does one learn a language? Lots of reasons. Why does Katie learn a language? To communicate. That's all. Two years ago I was obsessed with modern Chinese history and politics and I was like "why not" learn Chinese? It could be fun. Talk to older folks about the revolution. No probs. *Insert hysterical laughing here* When has being impulsive ever done me wrong?

The thing I really forgot about communication is that it is more than: idea-->translate-->idea received. When I am in Taiwan there is cultural layers that one most move through, plus---perhaps more importantly---the perception of western folks (read: western women....dumb,overly sexual,lazy,no morals) also plays into the ability to communicate here. So now I will clarify, that this doesn't ruin most interactions...but just know that these are the stereotypes of western women, in particular women from the US. You know why? Because the very first "interactions" young Taiwanese get with women from the US come straight from Hollywood, CA. They see me and expect me to go all "Pretty Woman" on their ass (can you tell it's been a while since I have seen a movie.)

Another quick thing I want to insert here which I find particularly troublesome: since most westerners here can't speak Chinese, Taiwanese people will talk about you in Chinese right in front of you. For example today, a male student walking with friends, looking at me and looking straight at me (some would call it staring), gets right passed me, practically next to me, and says, "好惡性”or "Really disgusting (or evil.)" Thanks fuck face. You've had better days yourself, or do you always look like a 13 year old? Aaaah! See! There is my bitter bitch side coming out...*affirmation time* love and compassion and love and compassion. I take the road of love and compassion.

If it's not this situation, it's getting photos taken of me. Or getting stared at and nervously giggled at. It feels the worst when they don't ask to snap one, and try to "slyly" take the picture from afar. "Don't mind me I am just pointing my phone at you and looking straight ahead---this is how I always make phone calls, ya know?"

What is killing me though, is MY OWN expectations of this experience. Unfortunately, all the things that made me charming, made me, me in the states are considered some what obnoxious, inappropriate, or slutty for women here. Since I am 老外 a foreigner they accept it. But how fun is it to be shimmying, laughing loudly, joking, drinking beer when there is no context for it? Everyone is just like, "你看，很活潑的外國人" It's strange to most everyone here. Furthermore, its an affirmation why most Taiwanese men do not dare date westerners. I am going to be honest here. I was looking for a man. 入境隨俗。What better way to get to know Taiwan and Chinese than to have a local boyfriend? Nothing is more motivating to a 20-something than sexual energy. A nice Taiwanese boy running chopsticks down my thigh, "你吃飽了沒？" "Have you eaten? (A common greeting.)" And anyone who knows this culture is cracking up and falling out of their chair. The day this situation happens....well lets just say it will get its own blog post for sure...and pigs will be flying through cyber-space.

So, no man, no sexual energy. Dancing...not so much. In fact dating and sexuality is WAAAAAAAYYYY different here (unless you are a western dude...more on that later.) So scratch that idea. No use putting energy into the dating ritual that I find to be less than desirable. I will stick to my own way with this aspect of life.

Ok, so its not what I thought it was going to be. Some people research the culture before going to a country...or you are like me, you impulsively, plug your nose and jump in.

I got some great advice from the head of the Chinese department at Portland State. He is a white dude who lived in Taiwan (in the boonies) for quite a while. And this was before much of the modernization (westernization too) that has happened in Taiwan in the recent past. He is also one of the wisest, most humble people I know. He said I should think of living in a new place as "sitting in a moving bus on a mountain road: if you look out the window you won't get carsick so easily; but if you look down at your lunch, and the warm orange soda and the small-print magazine, you will get dizzy because you can't see what the bus is doing."

So the invitation is to look outside myself. Don't focus on the baggage I brought with me. Loose the ego, yo! What has been helping me most lately(as in the last two days) is focusing on forgiveness. Forgiving myself and others. It is not an easy thing to remember, but when I do it allows me to move past the shit and actually experience life free of shame and blame. When done correctly, it makes life worth living. It makes one's soul sing. 對不對？ It makes the awkward situations here bearable. So, that's my goal. Moving with love and compassion is a goal I developed while living in Portland (whoop whoop bell hooks) but uprooting myself and transplanting into an obscenely different place caused an emotional typhoon. I am just now cleaning up the debris. I have taken this sick (actually physically sick...I think the stress of my mild freak-out let a sneaky virus in) weekend to re-evaluated things. I am not only healing my body, I am healing whats inside. I will rest. I will forgive my insanity and anger. I will reaffirm my purpose.

臺灣加油！And now to leave you with a cool Chinese rap. The guy is from Taiwan named 大支 (Da Zhi) It's a take-off of Nas' "I can." In fact I will leave you with both videos because they are inspiring and what not. Everyone loves to be inspired!

Da Zhi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUoc6X3e3Wo

Nas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL4zz-Rey_Y