Is that a tennis racket? A sign of things to come...

Today I am in 家樂福 (Carre Four, a westernized shopping mart similar to walmart...only much better in my opinion) today with my Taiwanese friend, 環 樺 (English name Kelly) and Jin Ting, another student studying Chinese from Portland State. I am walking through the housewares and I come upon this contraption. At first glance I see, well...a tennis racket. On second the look I say to myself, that is the strangest tennis racket I have ever seen. What kind of tennis do they play here? Then I realize that this is not a tennis racket at all. But this is a "fly swatter." For what kind of insect....I don't want to know.

You know, my mom has a real talent for killing flies with the plastic fly-killing tools. My nephew, T.J. once said as a child, "Grandma you are the best fly swatter in the world. Even better than God." Indeed, better than God. I can only imagine the damage she could do with this puppy. Flies are turning over in their graves thinking about it. (Do flies have graves?)

You can get some kind of perception of the massive size of this fly-swatter is by checking out the plastic red one to the right of it. That plastic red one, is actually larger than a normal one you would see in the states and much longer. Is this an omen? Are the lotus are coming?

I gotta get mama one of these before returning to the states...so flies beware.

我 喜歡 你 的 T 恤: Crazy English Tee-Shirt of the Week #1.

You have heard of folks wearing or even getting tattoos of Chinese characters that make no fucking sense right? Like, oh this character means strength, and it really means toilet for example. So I see this phenomena happening here with English. In fact it is very rare that a young Taiwanese person will wear a shirt with a graphic that is in Chinese. Usually it is in English. Sometimes the English on these shirts is nonsensical. So I have decided to keep a little journal of these T-shirts because they really are too strange to keep to myself.

Since this is week one I have a few saved up so I will give you two instead of just one:

1. "Imagine Cattle with You" (Found on my friends shirt that she bought here in Taiwan.)

2. "Holidays tomorrow are happy for life. Somora team do something right."

糟糕！猴 子 來 了！把 我 嚇 死 了！This ain't no Curious George!

So imagine you are walking a half mile up hill, in 90 degree heat, with some 70% humidity. Now imagine you are walking in a trance, sweat pouring down your back, and suddenly you come face to face with a monkey. How do you feel? Some of you folks who grew up in the states are thinking, "Aw, that would be wonderful! Such a cute surprise in your heated misery."

Ok, so now its time for me to burst your U.S. culture informed-bubble about monkeys. Monkeys are not cute. Monkeys ARE SCARY!!!! So I am walking on a sidewalk which is about 2 and half feet wide I look up and what do I see, but a monkey walking on all fours along the rail right next to the side walk. This monkey is about as big as a five year old child. But his eyes lack any amount of child-like innocence. No, this monkey was sizing me up. He (I say he because well, with testicles like that, there is no mistaking) was checking me out thinking, "Does she have food? Doesn't smell like it---but maybe in her bag. She is quite small, I am sure I can take her with help from my buddy who is coming up quickly behind me." You may ask yourself, "how did she know what the monkey was thinking?" Well some interesting phenomena presents itself when human meets monkey. It's this primate to primate connection that allows you both to communicate without what we humans call language. It is a sort of language in that it sends messages---but it is not spoken---it is passed through the burning hot air with our eyes. So in response to the monkey's inquiry, I back up into the road, hands up, and with all the bravery I can muster 'say,' "I have nothing for you. Just an iced double Americano with no sugar or cream. This has no nutrients and may or may not kill you." The monkey understands, prefers Bananas, and moves on.

You may not believe since you are probably sitting there watching "Dora the Explorer" and her cute blue monkey helper. I am thinking about how we represent monkeys as these docile little human companions. Its as if our culture likes to drive the point home, that we are the superior primate and that monkeys and all other primates are merely side kicks, babies, or need our help in general. Well I am here to tell you, that if you meet a monkey outside of the zoo you will NOT feel superior. You will NOT feel like they do in the movies like, "oh this cute monkey wants to come live with me, or oh, this monkey needs my help, or this monkey wants to be my friend and go on adventures." No. Its more like, "Oh, this monkey really doesn't give a shit about civilization or anything that my fellow primates lay claim to. No, this monkey wants to maul me and take my bananas (that I may or may not have)."

So, I am sorry if I ruined anyone's day. But this is my monkey experience. And did I get a picture myself? Fuck no! Once the monkeys passed by I thought about it...but they move fast. Plus, I am not going to piss off a monkey who was kind enough to let me go unharmed. However, when I reached class, my classmates showed me that outside the window sat several monkeys. Its a good thing I am a fucking gansta because the whole monkey cartel sat outside. Motha fuckas....I was able to snap one shot before my teacher started class. It isn't very good. So I provided you with another so you can see a bit clearer that they are not Curious George.

你 真 可 愛！You are so cute!

Here in Kaohsiung there aren't many foreign people. So, its not uncommon for people here to take pictures of foreigners (many of them ask first, but I have definitely heard of instants where they don't.) or stare. Being a dancer and performer all my life, I am quite the attention whore, so this kind of thing normally doesn't bother me. In fact it is quite a head trip to be a minority for the first time in my life. Although I would be lying if I didn't say that on the bad days, after a really bad Chinese class, or when I am frustrated at my low level of Chinese, the staring will get to me. Sometime the gawking (especially older men) is followed by "blah blah blah...外 國 人 (foreigner)...or 美 國 人 (United Statesian...I think I made this word up, but I like it better than American) blah blah blah." Since my Chinese is at the level of a 5 year old, I really only catch words, not whole sentences. These could be nice, could be mean, could be sexy, could be demeaning, could be scary. This is a feeling of powerlessness, that on the bad days, can make you want to cry.

But this, my friends, is rare. I don't at all want at all to paint a picture that the Taiwanese are all just curious and want to talk smack about foreigners. The young people, especially those on campus are not all that interested. Furthermore, the Taiwanese friends I have are helpful, kind, and fun. And these folks are getting there own separate blog post.

This blog post however is about the moments where my ego gets polished. There was a day here at 中 山 (NSYSU) that I was told I was 可 愛 (cute) by 3 different people. One of which was the women who works at the front desk of the dorm. The ladies who work this job are called 阿姨, which means aunt. How endearing right? She, some other Taiwanese gals and I were talking. She kept saying, "oh she is an American. She is so cute. Don't you think she is so cute? She has such a young spirit. (someone had to translate that part for me).She is always smiling." I have no strategy for this. I usually say 哪里 哪里！Which is something like, oh that's not true. And then I blush (that is involuntary) and pretend to hide my face. Then the 阿姨 says, "Do you want to marry a Taiwanese man?" To which I respond, "可以呀!" (maybe...I am not sure). Then she says, "I have two sons!" I made her laugh later on that day when I went up to the desk and said, "about those sons, how old are they?" She decided I was a bit young because they were 28 and 29. I leave out the part where I say I have dated men older than that.

And two other times, random store owners 老闆 have asked me if I am married or if I plan on marring a Taiwanese man. To which I try to say, "I don't even have a Taiwanese boyfriend yet, I have only been here x amount of weeks." "You are so beautiful how do you no have a husband?" I leave out the part about the 60% divorce rate in my country. And how I would rather eat shit than sign a state-sanctioned licence dealing with a private affair such as who you want to fuck monogamously. Shit...I don't have the Chinese vocab to say that even if I wanted to.

Last night, I was with my Taiwanese friend 栗子 (Li Zi) and we went to get bubble milk tea. And this young woman about my age, who worked there said happily and extremely loudly (in heavily accented English) "You are soooo BEAUTIFULLLLLL!!!" Then in Chinese she asked me where I was from. "You are so cute! I love you!" So then her co-workers say “他 瘋 了”And this Chinese I can understand. So I say to them in my heavily accented Chinese, "People often say I am crazy too, so we are the same (I was trying to say alike)." Really? She says. Oh yes! I reply. It was really funny moment. But I told Li Zi afterwards that I am going to get a big head at this rate. He said yes, "its like you are a star."

But here is the deal: this is all out of context. This is not me being cute (ok maybe a little). This is the idea of women being one dimensional. I just so happen to fit U.S. beauty standards somewhat, so people see me and go...oh thats similar to the U.S. that gets exported to us via pop culture. And I ABSOLUTELY get treated different. If I was black, or an Asian American (or anyone who is not a white girl who looks similar to the perceived notion of what women should look like) I would be treated differently. No doubt.

So, to keep it real: if I was here to be an export of U.S. pop culture I would live for this shit. I would stop learning Chinese and just get a job teaching English. I would live very comfortably forever in Taiwan as a 真 漂 亮 的 洋 鬼 子(very pretty foreign devil)。I could go to clubs and drink ultimated for $3 USD and party...blah blah blah. It would be too easy to exploit how far the U.S. dollar goes in Taiwan and the fact that my culture is revered (sometimes hated but not as common here).

But this is not why I am here. I am not one dimensional. I want to love people (in the bell hooks way, and some of ya'll know what I mean by that). I want to learn the language and connect with others beyond my 皮膚 (skin). I am trying to make my life about spiritual growth. If I don't focus on this goal, I would merely be my own little fucking Paris Hilton on this island. But if you know me, you know that's who I strive to emanate.

Its not as if these conversations about "how cute I am" can't lead to something meaningful. Perhaps this is a cultural specific way of talking to women. That I don't know yet. My job now? Study, study, practice, practice Chinese. Time to perfect the vocab beyond 可愛 漂亮 (cute, pretty). 好 好 學 習！

Dropping the A-Bomb....no not that A-Bomb

Last night there was a pre-semester party put on by the international student association here at Zhong Shan (NSYSU). It was at fisherman's wharf on an outdoor patio right at the bay of the Taiwan straight. Banana and beer party. Free beer (and bananas.) Chatting with folks from all over the world...etc...etc. Very fun party, I will tell you what.

So, you always get asked where your from at these type of events. I usually say something like I am from "the states" which is a fashionable way to say the U.S. when you are overseas. Even back home I very careful about making the distinction that I am a U.S. citizen not an "American" despite the big propaganda campaign put on by the U.S. government post-9/11. Y'all remember that one right? I am an American! And I hate fucking terrorists (aka anyone not deemed appropriate by the U.S.), ya hear?!?!? Yeah, I don't buy that shit. There are other parts of America besides the U.S. (in case any of y'all were unaware...now you know. Think: central and South America) Anyway, I was saying that all night. I am from "the states," with a couple folks looking slightly confused. One gentleman was like the U.S.A.? America? And had to clarify. America? America. Right.

Ok, so I finish my 第 一 瓶 臺 灣 的 啤 酒 (first bottle of Taiwanese beer) and I walk over to some of the folks from Panama and Paraguay since they happened to make up most of the group doing my favorite thing in the world: dancing。They ask, "Where are you from?" "I am from (yeah you can guess what I say) America (FUCK FUCK FUCK)." I must say they were all damn smooth in the situation all political baggage aside, "Everyone in this group is from America. What part?" How can one apologize for arrogance of 一 個 大 國 (a world power)? For freaky globalization and oppression, not to mention our historical (and current!) imperialism? You don't. This IS a party after all. You just have to apologize for the mistake in terminology. Acknowledge and discuss the political problem attached to it. And then spend the night shaking your ass with them.

Do I have the solution to this? No. Did I feel like an asshole? FUCK YES. Did I have an amazing time shimmying and grooving with a group of folks from all over the globe? You bethca! Never underestimate the power of dance as a universal language--one that unites a bunch of sweaty bodies in the sticky heat of Taiwan.

Have a little help from my friends! 我很感謝你！

So, some of ya'll may be saying...wow, she has done a lot for being their just shy of three days. And you would be right---I have done ALOT. So here is where I break the facade that I am some bad ass. I am only a bad ass in that I have the most AMAZING friend and her name is Ero!!!!

So first off, she picks me up from the airport, hails us a cab, then when we get to the university she talks to the dorm attendant to get me into a dorm. And needless to say this is all in Chinese. I literally have hardly talked to any administrators from either the institutions I belong to (PSU or NSYSU). Ero has taken care of everything. I practically owe her my life . But she won't hear any of that. She hardly lets me buy her dinner (but once I get a little quicker on the draw...I will treat...just you wait).

We immediately go to the westernized super store, Carre Four taking the bus and MRT (high speed train thing) to get me bedding and other stuff for living. I am so elated to be out in the city with someone who moves happily and naturally through the city. Better yet, we add two Panamanian men to our posse, Ramon and Luis. They are extremely nice and total gentlemen. Insisting we enter doors first, pushing the cart, and carrying our bags. It really freaked me out. But I appreciated the sentiment. 很 好 的 男 生！

After escorting me to the book store Ero and I eat and then go to Cijin Island. It is a short walk from campus and then a 10 ferry ride. We sat on the beach and observed. Watched the sun set and we reaffirmed how blessed we are to be friends.

Today, Ero picked me up bright and early and arranged for me to take my placement test. She waited an hour and half for me to get done with the test. Then we went and got my Alien Resident Card. I must say if she were not there....getting my ARC would have been a total pain in my ass. Then...and then....yes folks there is no end to this woman's compassion and willingness to help...she takes me back to Carre Four to get a cell phone. This time she pushes me to talk to the attendant myself. And I felt pretty damn accomplished getting the cell phone in Chinese (and lots of hand gestures). It goes pretty smoothly and I want to hug the store attendant when we are done.

So, this is why I am extremely settled in this very foreign land. And this is only a summary. This does not cover all the little ways Ero makes communication possible. Her Chinese is amazing since studying here (she is saying 我不敢當 but don't believe her she is being modest). Not only has her skills made these past few days possible but it gives me hope that I too will improve studying here at the wonderful 中山大學 (National Sun Yet-sen University).

So, yeah I am fucking lucky to be on tropical island studying Chinese full time. But I am even luckier to have a truly loving friend with me.

Ero， 我愛你！

Like being in a snow globe. Only really hot.

So, I am trying to find the words to describe what Taiwan is like for me. I have never been too good with words. My mom blames it on the fact that we didn't play scrabble very often when I was a kid. But regardless of if this is true or not, I find it very hard to describe Taiwan. First off, it is sensory overload. Sensory overload, within a haze of humid heat that sticks to you like fly paper. Yes folks, its true, Taiwan is fucking hot! I am a lucky butt and have air conditioning in my room. Thank the lords. But when you go outside you drip sweat all the time. That is just how it is.

It is said that the Taiwanese like 熱閙。It means a bustling noise and excitement. 熱 means hot (temperature) and 閙 means noisy. And I would say that in comparison is the states...Kaohsiung is 熱閙! There is so much life in the streets---hence the snow globe reference. I really have never seen anything like this in my life. Everywhere there are scooters, pedestrians, bikes, food carts, alters for gods and loved ones that have passed, stray dogs. And these things aren't just everywhere...they mix and mingle like some beautiful choreographed catastrophe. There aren't really any sidewalks in Kaohsiung (at least the area I am in) and when there are sidewalks they are either part of an opening to a shop, have a food cart on them, or are used for scooter parking. It is amazing how pedestrians and cars and stray dogs move like they are doing the tango. Its amazing...seriously amazing. The problem is I have yet to capture the 熱 閙 streets of Kaohsiung in a picture. I never do it justice. So I will wait to post a picture of the streets of Kaohsiung until I come close to showing the raw energy of this place. Lets just say I am speechless. A picture is worth a thousand words---I am bankrupt.

坐 飛 機！Big ol' jet airliner, please take me so far away.... because Formosa is where I got to stay.

"Why does this departure screen say my plane leaves at 8:55?" I say after three mojitos and delicious Mac and Cheese (my last meal in the states) I though I read 11:11 pm? Looking at printed itinerary. FUCK! That's when I arrive in L.A. not when I leave PDX! FUCK FUCK FUCK! What time is it Micah (thanks so much for seeing me off bear)? 8:25. I have to go!

What stands in my way of getting Taiwan? Besides my stoner-esque mistake: The Transportation Security Administration. TSA---administrating "security" and hysteria better than the fucking KGB. So I follow the procedure....getting barefoot, traying my belongings. Grumbling...."Ma'am you need to take out your laptop," says the old gentleman. My bag is sitting on top of the x-ray machine...I go to grab it out. Ma'am do not touch the bag!" a woman snaps at me. "I am sorry but I thought was just instructed to do so." I reply only a little annoyed...mostly just worried about missing my plane. "You should have done so before hand...once it goes through it belongs to us." And then the old gentleman adds with a cackle, "And its 1000 lashes for leaving it in your bag...hahaha." I think in my head...I might actually enjoy that sir. I'm a freak. "With all due respect sir, I would not be fucking surprised if that's how you all operated." We all laugh...we are in Portland after all. My stuff goes through with no further problems. As I am leaving the woman says to me, "You ought to work for us...you make assumptions like we do." (whatever that means) I reply as I run off..."I don't know about that, I will never work for the man."

Now, if there is a hell, it is the L.A. international airport. Seriously. I get off the plane into a hall that looks like an abandoned hospital...no signs. Long story short...I had no fucking clue where to go...and neither did most of the people who got off the flight. I find a woman helping a traveler in a wheelchair and she was able to tell me the general direction. So I get to this big door that says international flights. It looks like sheep lined up for slaughter. Then I noticed the international flights sign says they are the third floor and says to take elevator....with an arrow that truly pointed nowhere.

I finally find my gate...and at that point the women that work for China Airlines took care of me. THEY ARE AMAZING. This is where I give a huge shout out to China Airlines, "我愛你們。” (I love you all!) They got me hooked up with both my boarding passes to Taibei and Kaohsiung and helped me find my gate. Then I get another encounter with TSA. This time I the wiser. The extremely sexy and sweet TSA worker asks me if I have my laptop out. "Yes, I got threatened with a 1000 lashes in PDX for not taking it out, so I know whats up." I then come through the metal detector, looking like Tuh-duh, my arms all akimbo. I ask sexy man if I am through (I was hoping for 1000 lashes :-) ). "You are all set," he smiles. "Darn...that was fun! I could spend a little more time with you my friend."

The rest of my flight was awesome because I was in hands of goddess mothers (aka China Airlines stewardesses). But I must tell one more story of my plane adventure. I arrive in Taibei early in the morning and their are very few travelers. I get to my gate and it is enclose by a glass wall with a door...so I try to open the door and it is locked. The man behind the glass stoically points to the way I came and then up. I give him a thumbs up...but I am fucking confused. So I turn around and I see one lone person...a woman who is very clearly janitorial staff. Maybe its just me but in the states, janitorial staff aren't the folks you ask for help finding your gate. Plus, I was not sure if she spoke either Mandarin or English. But she sees me and comes up to me speaking Mandarin and pointing wildly. She smiles. I understand most of her directions but it is very clear that I have a lot of questions for her. She was surprised that I could ask questions in Mandarin. And then she says the most endearing thing you can say, "我陪你去。” But she said...I will accompany you there. My heart just melted. Maybe she could sense that my dad has been in the janitorial business. My first interaction in Taiwan: riding the moving walkway with this woman chatting in Chinese. Sounds so small but it means a lot to have a little bit of love when you step into a foreign country.

I love Taiwan. 我愛臺灣！

我 的 第 一 Blog Post

After finishing one of the most lackluster dinners I have in Portland in a while (at an establishment which I won't name...because a lady never tells) I survey my situation. First of all, American food---not going to miss it. In 24 hours I will be boarding a plane to Taiwan. My suitcase, which is packed in the loosest sense of the word, sits lopsided, covered in cat hair, begging, at the very least to be zipped up. Time to zip up and roll out. Similar to how gangster keeps time.

A morning with Emma. She is the sunshine in the shade, illuminating through the mimosa haze and the drone of macho transportation on Forster. We had a radical breakfast (AMAZING Huevos Rancheros at Bar Carlo...I suppose I will miss some American food) moving towards our roots. We talked change. We talked growth. She loaned me bravery and grit. What would we do without love?

Zip.