我愛racial slurs. Is "foreign devil" the best you got bitch?

I was pretty excited when I found out the Chinese had a racial slur for white people (westerners.) This slur is 洋鬼子 Yang Gui Zi which translates to something like, "Foreign Devil." 洋 (yang) means ocean (where the white man came from) 鬼子(gui zi) is ghost or devil. So originally, I was really stoked because the race I belong to had an oppressive term I could reclaim. It made me feel hard, bad-ass, gangsta...so forth and so on. This line of thinking itself probably is a result from U.S. media's pimping of African American culture and glamorizing oppression. That aside, when in the company of my best friend Ero, I threw around the term 洋鬼子。I made her a her a CD and called it "Yang Gui Zi hip hop mix." A funny joke. I think I have even thrown around this term in my blog posts....no problem.

Part of the reason I liked the term is that I came over here to Taiwan with my U.S. privileges on my mind. This means that I know my countries historic love story with militarism and imperialism. I know that we have intentionally done some fucked up shit to other countries to ensure a giant share of the earths resources and our economic supremacy. I know that as a consequence of these fucked up things, as a U.S. citizen, I have a lots of privileges (economic, security, mobility, etc...). These privileges are unearned. Unless of course you consider blowing some one's brains out or coercion as fair ways to earn something. Yeah, I am a foreign devil...what of it?

But after being here in 高雄市 Kaohsiung, Taiwan for almost two months I have started to feel like a giant hideous bug that folks can't help but stare at. I have even developed an irrational fear of cellphones held above shoulder height. Perhaps many Taiwanese are farsighted and are merely texting their friends at extreme length from their face. Or maybe they are trying to take my picture? You may say, "oh, Katie that is crazy." It's not crazy. It happens all the time. If you are young and in the south of Taiwan, people (with manners) will ask for a picture with you. In fact, just talking to a sexy French man, Arnaud about this phenomena. Happens to him all the time. What do they do with the pictures?

At first it was a bit charming. I am an attention whore, (years of being a dancer) so I am like fuck yeah, I am exotic for the first time in my life. "Yeah bitches, sexy Caucasian rocking it in Taiwan." Take a picture, it will last longer---wait....please don't. This feeling faded about three weeks into my stay here. After many embarrassing moments speaking Chinese (feeling like a vulnerable five-year old child) and some straight-up animosity towards me because of my white face, I don't like the attention. Instead, I would really really really like to blend in. Add some culture shock to the mix and even the smallest tasks are a potential source of stress.

So keep this mind and fast forward to tonight, 11 PM or so. I am on the way to the campus' 7/11 to use the copy machine for one of my Chinese classes. I walk by the ATMs and I am reading from my Elementary Chinese Conversation book with the stupid looking Giraffe on it. The ATM area is empty and silent except for a couple of lovers (Taiwanese but I guess that goes without saying being I am in Taiwan.) They are withdrawing money and look over at me and I look up (probably smile but who knows?) And as I was about to fix my eyes on my book again I hear the girl say, "洋鬼子”(Yang Gui Zi). I would normally assume I heard wrong, but then the dude laughs and repeats "Yang Gui Zi." I am in a bit of shock, but I am positive of what I have heard. They didn't know my Elementary Conversation book has an index of insults (it doesn't by the way.) So, as I pass them by I say in a firm but definitely not angry voice , "我聽得懂 you assholes." (I understand what you said). I really couldn't look at them after that, I didn't turn around to see whats up. I am pretty sure they heard me but who knows? I turn the corner saying to myself, "shame on you....mother fuckers!" As the shock wears off I feel mad as I approach the 7/11 and I am holding back my angry response to use a word that starts with Ch- and ends in -inks. (Not the best of my moments but hey! I am just being honest here.)

This is an ugly side of this study abroad experience. This is not meant to be an "oh, poor me" story. I am actually recording this because I am soooooo fucking surprised that I actually got called a racial slur. Especially since this slur is horribly outdated. WOW! I am even more surprised at my emotional response. It was kind of like when you are in middle school and you are really, really insecure. You spend a lot of time in the mirror before school agonizing over your acne or your weight. And then you get to school and a really popular girl calls you fat and then the person next to her agrees. It was like that. Feels just like that in fact---only with racial connotations and a historical context of nation-state's cat-fights.

Now, I am just going to hang onto the possibility that I am somehow misunderstanding this situation. But I am positive of what I heard. I might be more careful with throwing this doozie of a word around in the future.

A Sad little post.....

This is my little rant because I am feeling sad. Here are some of the things I miss about the USA. This list will be expanded I am sure.

Things I appreciate about the US (particularly Portland, OR):

1. Not smelling raw sewage every time I leave the dorm or walk down certain streets.

2. Most animals on the streets have homes. I especially miss the fat cats on Portland's Eastside that really owned the neighborhoods. Sitting on the big beautiful porches or laying in the sun on the sidewalk these cats were well fed and loved by the whole community. Here the cats are all skinny and skittish. Some will be friendly to you but it is because they are very very hungry (like the one pictured...who looks a bit like emaciated version of Milo, my kitty. And this is the fattest cat I have seen in Kaohsiung yet because he lives on campus.) Plus, I know the cats in the states are not likely to be torn to pieces and eaten by a pack of stray dogs. Yes...that happens here.

3. Sidewalks!!!!!!! I am a graceful fucking dancer and I can't functionally walk down the "sidewalk"anymore. You know why? Because unless you are in certain districts in Kaohsiung the side walks are extensions of store fronts. So, they are all different levels. Sometimes you walk up pseudo stairs to continue on the sidewalk. God forbid you are disabled here. On a good day I only stub my toe. Plus there are often marble-like store fronts covered in water (slippery!) or perhaps they are washing the vegetables in the street. So you never know when you almost step in the 老闆的 (owner's) food prep. Or slip on the water thereafter.

4. Being able to read. I am pretty literate in the U.S. Here, when I try to read everything around me (like I do in the states) I get exhausted. And its not like you can sound anything out...or find cognates and be like oh that's just a message parlor...no probs. Yes, some signs have English. But I mean it is disappointing to not even be close to literate in a language you have been studying for a year and a half. You have to know at least 3,000 characters to be somewhat literate in Chinese. And even then, you might not know whats going on. Now compare that to our 26. Yeah.......remind me again why I didn't choose to learn Spanish. Now I know how dyslexic people feel.

5. My face is not a symbol of economic and military imperialism. Ok, yes whitey is the ruling class in the USA. I know this and in some hoods in the USA I am the enemy. But in the US, I can use my language to talk about this issue. Or do political/social work to alleviate this problem (which is in fact, one of my passions). Here, many of the folks who look at me in this way, or hear my U.S. accent speak 臺語 Taiwanese (not Mandarin Chinese, or if they speak Mandarin it is with a very heavy accent), so there is no way to approach this. Plus! Its not acceptable to talk about this issue. And maybe that is not why older folks (especially women) glare at me. Maybe it has nothing to do with American soldiers coming from Vietnam to Taiwan for US government-funded R and R (aka....reek havoc and rape women).

But I do in fact know that there is a stigma about the U.S. citizens in Taiwan because a cab driver talked to me about. This my friends, was one of the most interesting and amazing experiences I have had in Taiwan yet. I talked about US imperialism (thank god I am a geek and although I may not know the word for "spoon" in Chinese yet, I know the word for imperialism damn it!) and how I wanted to be a politician and help change US foreign policy. To which he said I was an independent woman. The cab driver was really awesome and I was surprised after as many birthday drinks as I had I could have a functional conversation in Chinese about politics. He told me he had classmates who would have a big nose. And they would ask them, "who is your daddy?" and they wouldn't know. And he said, "that is how you knew he had an American daddy." How fucked up is that shit? All I could say was..“先生，我很抱歉” "Sir, I feel so sorry!" He kept telling me not to apologize. It's not my fault. Then he told me I was beautiful. Because beauty is always the second thing that comes to mind after imperialist. :-)

Anyways, this self-indulgent, "oh, pity me" post went in a different direction. Am I having a rough time? Yes. I am. But will I be in Taiwan for two years working on becoming fluent in this language? Hell, yes! You will have to drag me off this island. I am dedicated to the cause--even when little orange cats make me cry in public.

Now I'm a believer! 你看電視了嗎？ 真的嗎？

So, I haven't owned a TV in 5 years. I will ramble on (sitting on my high horse of course) about how TV is a waste of time and it brainwashes people. I go on and on and on, blah blah....I would rather read a book...blah blah. But I just had a crazy experience with a show that I am so excited about, it makes me a believer in TV again. This is a big fucking deal for me. It just so happens to be a Taiwanese drama/comedy called 不良笑花 or in English, "Miss No Good." Its awesome because at times (especially the lovey dovey parts) they talk slow enough that I can understand. Also they have Chinese subtitles...which almost all programs in Taiwan have. Because yeah, sometimes even the Taiwanese have trouble understanding their own language. :-) Actually there are probably many reasons for this, but I have heard it is to avoid any confusion between words in a tonal language when showing intense emotion or singing.

So anyway, this episode that I will post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzFxRhB17xQ is one of the last episodes and it rocked my world (it has English subtitles as well). There was a joke on this show that made me laugh so hard I cried. And maybe this is just because I find it so strange/charming that Taiwanese garbage trucks have ice cream-truck-like music blasting as they pick up trash. And if you keep in mind that the word for light in Chinese 燈 is pronounced "dung" (not actually a poop reference) you too can laugh until you cry. I would recommend this site as well because it has an English description of the show and more episodes: http://www.mysoju.com/miss-no-good/.

Enjoy! Thanks to 錦婷Jin Ting for introducing me to this wonderful gem of idiot box splendor! I seriously think I might start watching TV in Taiwan....what is happening to me?!?!?!?

黑人牙刷:Racism can sell stuff. Yup, in Taiwan too.

Time to brush my teeth. Whoa! That's surprising to see an person of African decent advertising a Taiwanese brand of dental hygiene products. I heard that racism against black folks was as much of a problem in Taiwan as it is the United States. Oh, wait. This IS racist. From the picture you might not see much wrong. The label says: 黑人牙刷 or in English, "Black Person Toothbrush." Really. No shiting you, that is the translation. Awkward....but beyond awkwardness of the English translation is of the uber-racist history of this brand.

Let it be known that 黑人 or "black person" does not have the same ring to in Chinese as it does in English. It is the what folks of African decent are called in Mandarin Chinese. This is the common and accepted name . However, the innocently named toothbrush brand, "Darlie" actually used to be "Darkie." For real. Change the 'K' to an 'L' and you attempt to erase some pretty fucked up and racist history. But you know, they couldn't totally let it go. They had to make sure their consumer base still remembered the reference. Hence, black person toothpaste and toothbrushes. Not, ahem, just for black folks! For all who like to participate in the lowest-of the-low marketing.

Is the black person reference that bad? No, it wouldn't be if Black folks were revered for their dental hygiene or even not a group targeted for oppression and discrimination in many developed(and developing) countries (i.e. US, Taiwan). But this is the fact. So, I encourage you to look at this short history of the brand from Wiki. It's pretty informative and has a picture of the old-school advertisements. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darlie

Just thought that I would point out that I use a toothbrush branded with racist marketing. In case you wanted to know.

連一個字我都不敢說！"My expereience with culture shock" or "But in my country..."

This week has been a bit rough. I am now trying to interact with Taiwanese folks and steering clear of the international community (no offense to them of course, but I am trying to understand Taiwanese culture and learn Chinese). What you are about to read is my first (and by far not the last) experiences of 文化衝擊 or culture shock.

When I am among the Taiwanese and I am the minority (唯一的外國人), I usually have a close Taiwanese friend who speaks English. I am always looking to them like uh? What do I do? I would describe myself as a really awkward shadow; a shadow that you practically trip over and blocks the light so you are unable to read the assembly directions on your new IKEA bookshelf. I tend to make mistakes doing the simplest things. Example. Walking with Li Zi at the Taiwan sugar refinery I see something that looks like a memorial. I point, "Whats that?" He diplomatically explains that they are temples for people's loved ones. He also tells me that they never point at them. In fact, it's taboo to notice, talk about, or even think about temples as you walk by unless they are your own family. Oh. Whoops. Example two. Taking off shoes before you enter rooms(or if you are me, you forget until your Taiwanese frantically says, no shoes allowed). Not all rooms are the same, some you take shoes off and others you don't and it is something you have to feel out. In Taiwan, I have no manners. How can you act out gestures you don't yet understand? And of course most Taiwanese understand this and are very graciously help you understand. Thanks Taiwan folks!

Example three. At the bar yesterday with a new Taiwanese friend, 威霖 Wei Lin and Ero. Ero and I are the only westerners in the bar. It seems to be perceived as a quaint gesture that we can and do understand/speak Chinese. One of the first things that bartenders tells me after I order a drink is that I have a small face. I don't know how to react. To my U.S. ears when someone tells me I have a small face I feel like I may look deformed or something. Is this a good or bad thing? I ask. Oh, good, you are beautiful. The bartenders encourage a young lady (looks about 19 or so) to sit by Ero and tells her that we speak Chinese. Ero is talking with this lady for about five minutes when the young lady looks like she is about to cry, covers her face and wants to move. Ero turns to me and says, "I just scared that girl. I am not sure what I did." She is like, I have lived here 7 months and it is still hard for me to have conversations.

So I am going interject here and say that Ero's Chinese is much better than mine and most westerners in Taiwan. In fact, I would say most westerners in Taiwan can not speak Chinese at all. Many are here to teach English or on some sort of vacation. But there are so many elements that go into having a comfortable conversation with a stranger you just meet. When we do this in our own culture (US culture) we look at how they dress, their body language, what sub-culture the belong to, their age, the time of day, etc...So you take the fact that we don't know this culture's indicators for appropriate conversation and our Chinese is hard for them to understand, these casual conversations can be frustrating for both parties. So, the girl moves away. Ero and I laugh. And I say in Chinese with a smile: "Oh, we are bad for business." Obviously (obvious to myself at least) joking, as the bar is completely full at this time. Well, apparently in this culture, this is completely and utterly insulting. Was it lost in translation or purely a cultural difference, I am not sure. But, Wei Lin's eyes get big and he is like, in English "Don't say that! I don't want to get my ass kicked! That is rude. They will think you are rude if you say that." Oh. Very whoops. Foot in mouth.

So, after experiences like this, the infamous culture shock, your brain is reeling. You loose grip. You know what your intentions are. Or do you? I looked over at Ero and I had to know....Ok, there is somewhere in the world (aka as the US) where that would have been appropriate and right. I am trying to make a joke. I mean...is that rude? Am I rude? Yes, in Taiwan I am being rude. Ero said something that was really insightful later. I was talking about how bad I felt and how I had not intended to offend anyone. She said, Katie you are feeling shame. It's the normal and right reaction to that. Thats how people learn cultural mores. True 'dat.

If you experience culture shock for one of the first times I bet $1,000NT the first thing in your mind will be, "But in my country, its like this..." You CAN'T HELP IT. The wind has been knocked out of you. You acted a certain way in order to get some response---and you got the opposite response you expected. It's like, "I swear to god that has worked for me before...right?" I guess I am not in Kansas anymore.

Here is extra personal element of my culture shock. I am a people pleaser. I try to make everyone like me. I love to be friendly and outgoing to everyone. I feel most comfortable when people are pleased with me and find me charming . Seriously. I live for that shit....its a bit sad really. And in my culture I move pretty damn gracefully (some of you might disagree with that, fair enough). I have no problems talking to strangers, I like to laugh with others, make friends easily, and I know how to maneuver the awkward situations I tend to get into when I am drunk. Having culture shock made me realize how this aspect of my personality really informs a very large part of my identity. In Taiwan when I am unable to move in ways that please the people around me I feel like shit. Like shit, doesn't really do it justice. I really feel like I am loosing my identity. Who am I? I thought I was friendly, charming, well liked, cute, etc...

I also learned I can't say 法克 (a transliteration of fuck, pronounced fa-ke) my newly learned, Chinese swear word at the bar because it could be potentially dangerous. The perception of US girls is that we are easy and swearing is what loose women do. It's like asking for trouble 麻煩 (and I think we all know what I mean by trouble, so I don't have to elaborate.)And there are some gangsters in Kaohsiung called, 臺客. Don't mess with them. Like they say here, 小心(xiaoxin)！Be careful! Oh, I will.

My new strategy? When I feel compelled to speak: don't do it! Just wait. Listening is good. It's something I have been working on spiritually. I think true listening---listening with one's heart and mind---can lead to increased compassion. And in my case as a student of this culture and language I know listening is a must.

As for people pleaser Katie, she is dying. If she doesn't die, I might honestly go crazy in this new lifestyle. I know very well, even in all my US-cultural grace, I can't please EVERYONE. And trying really gives me serious anxiety (all my Marco's co-workers reading this are nodding their heads in agreement now.) Here in Taiwan, I not only don't please people, I have a tendency to offend them. 慢慢習慣 I will slowly get used to this. It starts by being a bit easier on myself. Knowing that I am going to make mistakes and it's ok. This means that people-pleasing is not a priority anymore. My priority is to try to understand---to open my heart and listen.

我喜歡你的T恤: Crazy English Tee-Shirt of the Week #2

Howdy! Time for another round of crazy English tee shirts! In addition to exposing you all to some whack English, I want to say that there are a lot of awesome English T-shirts as well. I don't want you all to get the idea that I am mocking the Taiwanese's English skills. Because well, with Chinese skills like I (and many other Westerns that come here) have, we have no room to talk. And to put it into some perspective: Most young people on this island speak some English. Do most young people in the United States speak some Chinese? Or any other language for that matter? My point exactly. With that here ya go:

1. Sorry! We're Actors. <----Maybe some of y'all can explain this one to me. Is this from some TV show or something? I see this one a lot.

2. Please receive this overflowing love of me. <---This was on a shirt at the night market. I almost bought it because it was honestly a really cute shirt.

3. Fucking Will Change the World <----Ok this one is a bit fuzzy in my brain because I didn't have my notebook with me at the time. But it was something for a school club here I think. And it said "Fucking" in the middle in big letters and then around it said, "will change the world." So true man...so ture.

And in addition this was an awesome shirt that I wanted so bad. I saw a kid on campus wearing it. The letters were really really big and I could see it from like 50 feet away. Not humorous just right on:

1. DEEDS NOT WORDS <----I was like, fuck yeah brother!