Diva 不見了。

I am not acting like a diva anymore...I tend to bitch a lot. Not that type of bitching that ends with a finger snap and a vow to fight "the man" and be a bad as culture creating diva. No, this bitching sometimes with me being like "my country is better than yours." Or, "yeah, sorry....like whose country invented everything awesome? Yeah. 大國，USA USA　USA!"

Before I would have had some heady conversation with someone like me saying this sort of nationalist bullshit， about how oppression functions as a system...a system supported by these very ideas.

And sometime I try to rationalize with myself. And tell myself that I don't even want to think these sort of these things...even if I intellectually don't mean it.

And I really only have these conversations (that have me saying nationalistic, overly-simplistic, boarder line-racist content) with my boyfriend who is Taiwanese (and how some personal interest in seeing me make a life in this country)and my friend Ero. Why? Because those are the two people I talk to (aka talk over my decisions with out loud) about wanting to go home, wanting to put Chinese aside, wanting to never come to Asia again, wanting to stick with the western stuff.

I don't even feel that way. That kind of outlook is way too extreme 極端. It is way too binary. It is just that...I really really really really LOVE Portland, OR. And I am sorry to say this but I just don't think that anywhere in Taiwan compares to it. I don't think anywhere in the world compares to it. (Clears throat and sheepishly admits in her adult life she has not been anywhere besides Taiwan . And has been to very few major American cities...)

But nothing compares to PDX.

Or comes even close.

Whatever. It is like comparing apples and duck heads.

Anyway. I can't decided if it is the birth control that is making me weepy all the time. Or...other things.

I have two new roommates though. They are native Kaohsiung-ians and are quite cool. They seem like rebel gals in that they dress more unisex, laugh loudly with friends, and one of hugged me upon first meeting (after I said i had recently been missing home.)

I hope we can become close. I miss having girlfriends. (Shout out to: Emma G and Hannah B.)

Don't worry too much. I do have a nice fella taking care of me. Really good care of me.

But.

Feel so alone.

I think it is no feminist community around me. Actually it is no girlfriend support. Not that hanging out with Ero this past month have not been a saving grace. I cry when we listen to music together. I feel like the emotions are out of control.

OMG... on a lighter note listening to my two roommates help their friend study Spanish is by far one of the most touching and hilarious things I have heard since being in Taiwan.

We are cracking up.

I miss girlfriends and the sharing of laughter. Laughter that creates more laughter.

In general here. I want to stop with my bitter laughter. Mocking shit I don't understand...anger running underneath.

Maybe start exercising again. Gotta go dancing too. That should make matters a bit more palatable. Let go of some anger.