連一個字我都不敢說！"My expereience with culture shock" or "But in my country..."

This week has been a bit rough. I am now trying to interact with Taiwanese folks and steering clear of the international community (no offense to them of course, but I am trying to understand Taiwanese culture and learn Chinese). What you are about to read is my first (and by far not the last) experiences of 文化衝擊 or culture shock.

When I am among the Taiwanese and I am the minority (唯一的外國人), I usually have a close Taiwanese friend who speaks English. I am always looking to them like uh? What do I do? I would describe myself as a really awkward shadow; a shadow that you practically trip over and blocks the light so you are unable to read the assembly directions on your new IKEA bookshelf. I tend to make mistakes doing the simplest things. Example. Walking with Li Zi at the Taiwan sugar refinery I see something that looks like a memorial. I point, "Whats that?" He diplomatically explains that they are temples for people's loved ones. He also tells me that they never point at them. In fact, it's taboo to notice, talk about, or even think about temples as you walk by unless they are your own family. Oh. Whoops. Example two. Taking off shoes before you enter rooms(or if you are me, you forget until your Taiwanese frantically says, no shoes allowed). Not all rooms are the same, some you take shoes off and others you don't and it is something you have to feel out. In Taiwan, I have no manners. How can you act out gestures you don't yet understand? And of course most Taiwanese understand this and are very graciously help you understand. Thanks Taiwan folks!

Example three. At the bar yesterday with a new Taiwanese friend, 威霖 Wei Lin and Ero. Ero and I are the only westerners in the bar. It seems to be perceived as a quaint gesture that we can and do understand/speak Chinese. One of the first things that bartenders tells me after I order a drink is that I have a small face. I don't know how to react. To my U.S. ears when someone tells me I have a small face I feel like I may look deformed or something. Is this a good or bad thing? I ask. Oh, good, you are beautiful. The bartenders encourage a young lady (looks about 19 or so) to sit by Ero and tells her that we speak Chinese. Ero is talking with this lady for about five minutes when the young lady looks like she is about to cry, covers her face and wants to move. Ero turns to me and says, "I just scared that girl. I am not sure what I did." She is like, I have lived here 7 months and it is still hard for me to have conversations.

So I am going interject here and say that Ero's Chinese is much better than mine and most westerners in Taiwan. In fact, I would say most westerners in Taiwan can not speak Chinese at all. Many are here to teach English or on some sort of vacation. But there are so many elements that go into having a comfortable conversation with a stranger you just meet. When we do this in our own culture (US culture) we look at how they dress, their body language, what sub-culture the belong to, their age, the time of day, etc...So you take the fact that we don't know this culture's indicators for appropriate conversation and our Chinese is hard for them to understand, these casual conversations can be frustrating for both parties. So, the girl moves away. Ero and I laugh. And I say in Chinese with a smile: "Oh, we are bad for business." Obviously (obvious to myself at least) joking, as the bar is completely full at this time. Well, apparently in this culture, this is completely and utterly insulting. Was it lost in translation or purely a cultural difference, I am not sure. But, Wei Lin's eyes get big and he is like, in English "Don't say that! I don't want to get my ass kicked! That is rude. They will think you are rude if you say that." Oh. Very whoops. Foot in mouth.

So, after experiences like this, the infamous culture shock, your brain is reeling. You loose grip. You know what your intentions are. Or do you? I looked over at Ero and I had to know....Ok, there is somewhere in the world (aka as the US) where that would have been appropriate and right. I am trying to make a joke. I mean...is that rude? Am I rude? Yes, in Taiwan I am being rude. Ero said something that was really insightful later. I was talking about how bad I felt and how I had not intended to offend anyone. She said, Katie you are feeling shame. It's the normal and right reaction to that. Thats how people learn cultural mores. True 'dat.

If you experience culture shock for one of the first times I bet $1,000NT the first thing in your mind will be, "But in my country, its like this..." You CAN'T HELP IT. The wind has been knocked out of you. You acted a certain way in order to get some response---and you got the opposite response you expected. It's like, "I swear to god that has worked for me before...right?" I guess I am not in Kansas anymore.

Here is extra personal element of my culture shock. I am a people pleaser. I try to make everyone like me. I love to be friendly and outgoing to everyone. I feel most comfortable when people are pleased with me and find me charming . Seriously. I live for that shit....its a bit sad really. And in my culture I move pretty damn gracefully (some of you might disagree with that, fair enough). I have no problems talking to strangers, I like to laugh with others, make friends easily, and I know how to maneuver the awkward situations I tend to get into when I am drunk. Having culture shock made me realize how this aspect of my personality really informs a very large part of my identity. In Taiwan when I am unable to move in ways that please the people around me I feel like shit. Like shit, doesn't really do it justice. I really feel like I am loosing my identity. Who am I? I thought I was friendly, charming, well liked, cute, etc...

I also learned I can't say 法克 (a transliteration of fuck, pronounced fa-ke) my newly learned, Chinese swear word at the bar because it could be potentially dangerous. The perception of US girls is that we are easy and swearing is what loose women do. It's like asking for trouble 麻煩 (and I think we all know what I mean by trouble, so I don't have to elaborate.)And there are some gangsters in Kaohsiung called, 臺客. Don't mess with them. Like they say here, 小心(xiaoxin)！Be careful! Oh, I will.

My new strategy? When I feel compelled to speak: don't do it! Just wait. Listening is good. It's something I have been working on spiritually. I think true listening---listening with one's heart and mind---can lead to increased compassion. And in my case as a student of this culture and language I know listening is a must.

As for people pleaser Katie, she is dying. If she doesn't die, I might honestly go crazy in this new lifestyle. I know very well, even in all my US-cultural grace, I can't please EVERYONE. And trying really gives me serious anxiety (all my Marco's co-workers reading this are nodding their heads in agreement now.) Here in Taiwan, I not only don't please people, I have a tendency to offend them. 慢慢習慣 I will slowly get used to this. It starts by being a bit easier on myself. Knowing that I am going to make mistakes and it's ok. This means that people-pleasing is not a priority anymore. My priority is to try to understand---to open my heart and listen.