If you give a mouse a chance to live on an island, learn Chinese, and eat stinky tofu. 及時行樂

So I just went to the office of immigration and got my Alien Resident Card extended for a year. I pick it up in 10 days. And I feel like, Ok, so it really official now. I am staying another year or so in Taiwan.

Why?

Why not?

I actually never want to go home. The food is better on a whole, made good friends, and a snap shot of life: sometimes there are 廟會 舞獅 (crazy parades put on the by temples complete dancing lions, traditional Chinese awesome) in the street, next to a metro shopping paradise with young Taiwanese, decked out in punk gear with dyed blonde hair and blue contact lens. This place...consumes me.

Don't get me wrong people in the states! I miss you all like mad. And I miss the states for what it is: my home. I miss relating to other people naturally...I miss good beer. I also miss American-style sense of humor. So, please don't take my "never wanting to go home" to heart. I love you guys more than anything. And I wish I could also be by your side and laughing, loving, growing.

So that brings me to where I am at now. I sit here and I go...what am I doing here?

I love Taiwan, I love Kaohsiung, no doubt. And my goal is to become somewhat fluent in Chinese. So yeah. That is it. That is why I am here.

These things are very sure. But I have this god damn voice in my head and this voice really makes me uncomfortable and worried. It constantly says, "And then what?"

Like what do you do after that? You learn Chinese for two years, and then what? Graduate...work as a server at a restaurant, pay off massive amounts of loans. Drink beer with friends. Read Chinese novels in my free time.....talk to the servers at Chinese restaurants.

Doesn't sound bad. But this route feels like...like a Chinese Idiom *我愛成語啊！* I learned today: 半途而廢 And it just means "To give up half way." I also learned an idiom last week that I think reflect my situation after two years in Taiwan: 大材小用(Thanks 威霖！) It means to have a talent (for me Chinese) and then not use it 浪費人材.

So recently I have been thinking. Wouldn't it be awesome to just keep studying? Fuck the work force! I will just be a student for a long long long long time. Maybe get my PHD if I can manage it. Why the fuck not?

Do people go for their PHD with this line of thinking (why the fuck not)? I don't even know. But I do have a new goal: Get my masters degree! Maybe in Modern Chinese Literature. In Taiwan.

That is a little crazy. Really. Doing a masters degree...all in Chinese is pretty ball-sey大膽 (how do you even spell that word? Maybe I should just use the word brazen.) But I am going to try! So, this next year I am going to work my butt off, and we where it gets me. I am going to try and audit some classes in Chinese here at the bachelor level and see how that goes. Also next year take the Chinese Proficiency test to get an idea of where I am at.

Why think about the future? I don't know. I wish I didn't because it actually makes me think of all the wonderful loans I have taken out. But hey, if you aren't in debt you aren't American. Oh fuck.

Oh fuck it.

I am living it like I mean it. I am loving life and that is good enough for now. And actually that is better than "good enough," that must mean I am doing something right. 把握今天baby! Just got to keep listening to that loving, pure, true, dancing, self. And fuck this damn voice asking me, "then what?" Because that voice will ask this same damn question no matter what I do. On my death bed asking this damn question (at that point quite obvious what is next.) You know what I will say next time she asks, "I don't know. It is uncertain. And that is how it is supposed to be." Because the future is nothing but that, uncertain. Ain't that the truth. Tomorrow global warming couldn take a turn for the worse...Taiwan is underwater within a day. Ok, no need to get morbid. Tomorrow I could join a Taiwanese hip-hop dance group, marry the lead dancer, and spend the rest of my life dancing. OMG! That sounds like the shit! I am crossing my fingers for surprise outcome number two.

Why not As my Taiwanese friends ALWAYS say to me, "別想太多" Don't think too much.

Time to eat with two of my lovely friends! Viva 台灣！及時行樂！

您的服務非常好！我感謝您！ Defying Gravity by Buying Bras in Taiwan.

I cringe. CRINGE! Taiwan is not a tipping society. Being a server and working in the people-serving industry makes you appreciate and understand why we have tips. In Taiwan, only under very special circumstances do you see a service person get a tip. Actually to be honest, I saw it for the first time the day before yesterday, when this Taiwanese guy was trying to impress me (maybe we was actually a very generous man who knows?) and tipped a bar tender. Don't get excited! It was like 20 Kuai or so (less than a $1 USD folks.) The other circumstance---other than trying to gain the Chinese concept of "face" which is another blog post (or 12) altogether---is when you are very rich and busy and say something like, "不用找" or "no need to get change" to the cab driver. And when did I see that? On a Taiwanese sitcom...not real life.

So the tipping thing is kind of complex. And I have lots of ideas and examples I would like to bring up----but that is not with this post is about . This post is about bras. Underwire. And omg....it is like being born again....really. But just to stop some of the outrage that might be emanating from my fellow servers back in the states I will just highlight a few things about service in Taiwan:

1. When you go to a restaurant in Taiwan the service is absolutely nothing like the US. Not to say that it is bad....but it is not like...like in the US where, "you are coming for the experience of eating out. For the food to be just like you like it." If you go to 一家小吃店 a typical mom and pop noodle place here in Taiwan (which I do for almost every meal) you might complain about the food (I haven't yet but have been with folks who have) and the owner might straight up argue with you and be offended.

2. Brings me to the next point. It appears...and I don't like to make vapid and foundation less (made that word up I think) generalization but it appears that Taiwanese complain a lot a less than Americans. Really. I have been with Taiwanese friends who will eat things that they didn't order (the staff bought the wrong thing) or things that don't taste right. One time I was with a friend who ate the food and said it was OK like no problem. And I mean, keep in mind this guy is pretty over the top, but still, we leave the restaurant and after a few blocks he is like, "that food was awful I am going to throw up." And he actually did. Right there on the side of the road.

3. Some places (most westernized bars...but sometimes more upscale places as well) will add a 10% gratuity.(yes that is the most you will ever see.)

So with these few things in mind, you may think, wow the service must suck. But it actually doesn't. In general that is because....well the difference in culture. I am in the middle of (and conforming to) a very different culture. And a non-tipping one at that. So it is just DIFFERENT. But I could go into the fine points of Taiwan's service industry another time. But I will say this: I have had some good service. Good service in which I didn't tip for (I swear to god it is the culture!!!! I do cringe. For example, you don't even tip the hairdresser. No tip to be like, "thanks for not fucking up my hair and making me look like an ass." I was flipping out. I kept asking my Taiwanese friends, "are you sure? There is no way I don't tip!" 真的假的？怎麽會這樣子？！)

But I have never had outstanding service. Until. TODAY!

I bought a bra. Or three. Ok, three!

I decided a week ago I need a bra with underwire. When I hit college (about 4 or so years ago) and I was very offended by underwire. I can't even remember why I hated the underwire. But I haven't worn an underwire bra in about three or four years.

In line with my recent, crazy changes of becoming more and more feminine (this is another blog post as well. My lifestyle has changed dramatically aside from the cultural and language stuff. It is insane. As well as awesome.) I decided I needed a bra with an underwire because:

1. It is really, really hot here. And I sweat everywhere. And that means...if your boobs aren't supported and skin against skin, well if you are a woman, you get where I am going with this.

2. I saw a picture of myself that particularly emphasized the fact that sometimes I look a little less than perky....to put it nicely.

So, with two awesome girlfriends, Jin Ting and Bri, I go to the department store. The Taiwan department store is the same concept as the U.S. mall, mindless (yet oh-so-temporarily satisfying) consumerism, yet set up a different way. So the department stores tend to go up, not out (like our lovely US malls.) So, 大遠百 (Mega)the department store we went to was some 17 stories. And each story is a department (hense the name) selling the same type of goods. For example, the 5th will sell women's clothing, 8th floor, sporting goods. Like that.

So, then you get to your designated floor and department you feel like you are in one big store. One big department at JC Penny for example. At least that is how I feel. "Wow, one big bra store with each section having its designated brand-name." But what you come to find out is that actually each brand name has its own service people. It is like each is its own store. This is different than the US. It could be really confusing if you don't realize it. Like you are looking at one bra and then without paying attention move a few feet away and look at a different bra...but this is actually a different "store." So I often have service people herding me back into my original store of interest. It is quite amusing.

So, we randomly come to one section, mostly because they had non-ugly non-lace bras. The main deciding factor for me on whether service is good or bad in Taiwan is the first impression and what I will call "the foreigner factor." Being white in the south of Taiwan I run into lots of...well, I have gone over this. But lets just say, I stick out like a red wine stain on white linen. And people don't know what to do. They are obsessed with English. Really. So they just see me and are like, AH! What do I do? She doesn't speak Chinese. She is FOREIGN. She will think I am dumb, I don't speak English...who knows what all goes through their minds? But let me say I cause some major stress for these people, simply by being whitey.

But if a service just approaches me like any other customer---I AM BEYOND HAPPY. I am a customer before I am a foreigner. And when I speak to the service person in Chinese they respond in Chinese just like no big thing.

A turn off, and something that just pisses me off, makes me loose my manners, makes me not buy, is when a person refuses to talk to me in Chinese. Or after speaking to me Chinese feel they need to "translate" into English, so they scream (really their voices get so loud when they speak English) out simple English half-sentences at me. I am done after that. Bitches, I don't spend hours everyday study Chinese so I can hear broken English when I am trying to buy shit. Sometimes I hand them back their merchandise and say in Chinese, "wow! Your English is so fluent!" I don't know why it pisses me off so much. But it feels really embarrassing when you speak to someone in their language, a language you are studying in college, and they just respond in English. I know my Chinese isn't fluent yet, but I understand enough to buy things, ask question, and talk pretty fluidly. I have done it many, many times without a hitch. So recently I pretend like I don't speak English. And that is more fun. Or better yet, something I will try next time someone refuses to speak to me Chinese, I will pretend I can't understand their pronunciation. "I am sorry I don't understand your English. Can I trouble you to speak Chinese." Hee hee....I am going to hell.

So yeah, this service women comes out and just starts talking to me about how the pads in the bras can be removed. And helping me find the style I like. Nothing about foreigner stuff, no singular English words screamed out, just clearly spoken Chinese, and patient answering of my questions. Then when I go to try on the bras she says, "Your Chinese is very good." Which I just want to make clear does not mean it is true. Taiwanese folks will say that to you just hearing you say a few simple sentences. But still, that was the closest she got to the foreigner factor.

But this is an aside. The real service happened in the dressing room. She gets me a few styles to try on and then says to me, "Ok, when you try it on I am going to come in and see if it fits you properly in the shoulder and bust. I will knock first." And I am like momentarily like, "say what?" But them I am like shit OK, this is good. It is her job to know how it fits.

She comes in and asks me some questions about how it fits and then brings up the fact that has only been brought up to me one other time before (by my mother and it was quickly dismissed by my 17 year old self) and that is: there is a special method to wearing underwire bras. A right way...and then many wrong ways.

And I am standing in the dressing room with her thinking, man I don't know how this thing works. It can't be that complex can it? So she is explaining to me how to do it, and I tell you it wouldn't have mattered if it was English, I would have still been so lost. I got what she was saying but I am like...really? You lift and pull up? If I do that my tit is going to fall out of this puppy.

And then she did something that I think goes way beyond service I have ever had in the US. For real. She is like, I can help you and show you what I mean. I have to touch under the bra, is that ok? And I am like ok whatever we are all ladies. But she puts one hand on the underwire, and the other hand does this crazy under-the-bra upward-swooping, split-second, magical motion and BAM! GOD DAMN! Holly shit!

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS ON MYSELF. My boobs have never looked this...WOW! I mean it was really transforming...mentally and physically. I felt so supported, yet I really looked like, you know how sometimes you see pop-stars and/or Victoria secret models and it looks like their boobs are like pressed up in some lace piece, I have always thought wow, that looks fucking uncomfortable. BUT GUESS WHAT? It isn't! It is so supportive...and it looks sooo, soooo, well, nice.

So every bra I tried on this women helped me. She like coached me on how to wear the bra. Really the service was like if my mom opened a brassier store and when I was old enough to need a bra she took me there and told me how to properly wear one. REALLY! It was so informative and so...gravity defying. God damn, what a magical and caring service person.

Compare that to my experience at age 17 at a vitoria secrect store. A bitchy-looking college girl who is willing to tell me all the different "lines" of bras (lace intimates, seamless, blah blah.) But when it came to wearing it....well I thought it was too small, but in reality it was because I did not know the secret "swoop and filling magical motion." And my mom kept being like, "You need to lean over when you put it on. You need to fill the bra." And I am all like 17 and embarrassed. "Mom, omg! I know how to wear a bra!" But the girl just like doesn't say anything, and gets me a bigger size. The underwire, would not serve its purpose and I would wear an ill-fitting uber expensive bra. Thank you lacking Victoria Secret service person! ***Sorry, I know some of ladies reading this LOVE Victoria Secret. I was just talking to Jin Ting and Bri. Jin Ting says at VS don't help you with fitting bras and Bri said they do only if you ask. And that they assume you have the common sense of wearing a bra. But really it doesn't seem very common sense thing to me...there is a secret swooping action involved. And it takes practice (the sales lady said to me yesterday 在家多練習！to do more practice putting on the bra.) But ladies if you have had good service at VS please feel free to share. I do know if you came to Taiwan you can get similar under ware goodies (mostly imported from Europe and US), better service, and CHEAPER prices.

Hence, until yesterday I didn't know the MAGIC of underwire bras. It is magic. And wonderful. And supportive. I can jump and feel like wow no problem...everything is compact, close to my body, and light.

And yes. Underwire bras are worth a blog post. And yesterdays service is too. So happy and feeling sexy. Almost as sexy as this video. Underwire transforming the way I feel about my boobs surprised me as much as finding out that my favorite Korean pop group, Super Junior sang songs in Chinese. As they say, the best thing since sliced bread!

So although this music video is totally unrelated to this post please feel free to watch it. I actually bought this CD after I bought the bras so it is sotra kind of related in my mind. And Super Junior is good anytime. They are sooo sexy. Beyond sexy...they are sexy like underwire bras.

Conclusion: Yay Taiwan. Yay good service! Yay underwire! Yay sexy Koreans who sing in Chinese and dance like awesome bad-asses! These are a few of my favorite things...

Video you must watch

No Tigers Here！My Chinese New Year: Buddhist Chanting, Sexy Italian Travel Companion, and Rain.

After the 3rd day of sleeping in until 2 and eating packaged baked goods from 7/11 for breakfast I decided it was time to do something else. I am on a 10 day vacation from classes being it is Chinese New Year. This is the biggest celebration in Asia. And I figured: I have time, why not do something impulsive?

The impulsive behavior erupted out of the fact that I originally had a nice plan. A plan that my Chinese teacher, who assigned the report (due when we are back from vacation) about what we do for Chinese New Year would have L-O-V-E-D. The original plan was to spend the New Year with a conservative Taiwanese family---my EX!boyfriend's family. We could have done all the usual stuff...wholesome and oh-so Chinese: 打麻將啊，貼春聯啊,跟友戚團圓啊，拿紅包啊，說恭喜發財啊, play majong, hang up New Year Scrolls, reunite with family, receive/give red envelops (they have money inside yo!), and say, "Congratulations, get rich!" (Which is probably a really bad translation of 恭喜發財Chinese-speakers please cut in now.)

But, NO! I opted for something else. Something that reeks of debauchery. That is right! So the past three weeks have been those of pure 復雜 complications. And that is because I fell for a guy...and he is not my boyfriend....and well it is REALLY REALLY complicated. But suffice it to say that it really is like a Taiwanese drama---but since it would be written by a Taiwanese person I am probably painted as the "bad guy(girl)" and my shallow膚淺, cheapskate小氣鬼, of an ex-boyfriend is the "tragic hero." Regardless of the roles we would play---for real the ex- had to go. It was all good while it lasted.

So, fast forward to a few days ago: NOTHING to do!!!! SO I rock the impulsive: I am going to go by myself to Taibei and I am, diva-style taking the most expensive form of transportation---高鐵 The High Speed Rail (HSR). Fuck yeah. And it is high speed. And fucking comfortable. It is pretty much worth it if I must say it. If you buy it on a whim and without opting for cheaper times to ride, the tickets cost you around 45 USD one-way. And it gets you across this island in about an hour and a half. All I had to do was ride Kaohsiung's subway to HSR and then the HSR to Taibei's subway and finally right to my hostel. I was sitting in Taibei hostel 2 hours after I left my dorm room in Kaohsiung. Pretty smooth...pretty smooth.

The Taipei hostel is an amazing hostel and I highly recommend it to all those who are going to Taibei. I paid $500 TB or roughly $15 bucks USD a night for a single room. And they actually gave me a double because no one was around. It is in central Taibei and a short walk from the subway station. I like it because you tend to meet a lot of interesting travelers and get wasted with them on a roof top veranda overlooking the sky scape.

I arrive and see a friend "uncle Kevin" who has been living at the hostel. After a warm welcome he suggested that I head to the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial 國立中正紀念堂. Armed with an umbrella (that would become my faithful travel companion later in this trip) I walked the 7 minutes to the memorial stopping on the way to order some breakfast food. It still surprises me to find the lone hot dog in my noodles. I don't know what it is with Taiwanese food but once in a while you find hot dogs in the most random food, (curry, noodle dishes, rice, etc...). It is about half the size of a an "American style" hot dog, usually not cut up, just a lone weenier. It tastes the same as a normal hot dog, nothing special, but what the fuck is it doing in my curry?


I will call The Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial (along with the National Concert Hall國家音樂廳 and National Theater 國家戲劇院) "Taiwan's Tienanmen Square." Who likes over simplified comparisons? ME! I say this because it does just what hero-worship awe-inspiring places are are supposed to do: make you say, "ooooooooo and ahhhh." And if you are me you think, "Whoa it is crazy that all around the world tax dollars are used to build monuments to honor a men of questionable moral integrity." And then as I stand in the middle of meandering tiles stretching the span of 3 football fields, getting dizzy, a lone foreigner among families and friends, I remember this place is not about Chiang Kai-Shek. And even if it is HIS memorial it is not like this diva hasn't made some mistakes that could possibly mar her own integrity. (However my mistakes have not cost anyone their life nor am I the leader of a nation state. Just a few broken hearts...etc. Further more, my mistakes are not in the name of capitalism either...in the name of lust? Is that any better? Probably not. Moving on.)

Now to the big house, the place of all worship...Chiang Kai-Shek's statue. I meet an elderly man of unknown nationality who wants me to take his picture. At first I thought he was Taiwanese or at least a Chinese speaker. But he couldn't(or didn't) respond when I spoke Chinese and he didn't speak English either. He was adorable and he made me take quite a few different shots until I got the right angle he liked---a photo shoot using sign language.

It is funny because in my opinion, 蔣介石 Chiang Kai-Shek, the first president of the Taiwan, is a crook who perverted the idea of democracy and upheld totalitarianism along with fierce capitalist market. Basically a real fuck-face. But god damn, his statue is so cute. He looks warm and fuzzy---a real nice guy. There he is with his cute yet wise smile, the words democracy printed in large letters over his head. I personally like my democracy with a little martial law on the side. Yes Mr. Generalissimo, you want to destroy democracy but I would love love love to have a beer with you...oh shit wait...never mind, no more Bush references.


And like what is up with this sign? Oh shit...good thing I wore my Sunday best. This actually wasn't where anyone could see it. It was on the back of another sign showing where the bathrooms were. But I stumbled (aka almost ran into this sign) upon on it and though it was amazing.


Also visited a beautiful garden in back of Chiang Kai-shek's memorial. So peaceful. I took a walk, discovered a bed of pineapples. Was amused by two aspects: 1.)Who knew pineapples grew underground? Shit, I thought pineapples were from trees and I ain't ashamed to say so. 2.)I wouldn't have know these were pineapples unless I could read Chinese. For once, Chinese was straight forward. Thank god! Fuck Binomial nomenclature! Who the fuck gets that shit?

This was probably my favorite part of Taibei. The mood in this garden was so happy and warm. Being the Chinese New Year (comparable to our western Christmas and New Year) everyone was greeting each other and in a celebratory mood. I greeted a middle aged Taiwanese man. After he got over the surprise that I said, 春節快樂，恭喜發財！"Happy New Year! May you prosper in the new year! (still not confident on that translation)He raised his hands to sky, mouth open wide in a half smile half laugh and yelled toward the heavens, "YEAH! 恭喜發財！恭喜發財！！！！！”Quite a nice walk in the park. Nice, considering it would be the last view of sun I would see for the next 3 days. Also the last time for my whole trip to Taibei that my feet would be dry and warm.
And then there were the hand painted lamps. I thought of my mom when I saw these. Maybe because many of them were red. I thought she would have enjoyed this part a lot.


As I return back to main square a man runs up to me and asks me in English if he can get his picture with me. Since I am in the best mood ever, I respond in Chinese, "Sure, but can I ask you, is this because I am a foreigner?" To which he responds in Chinese, "I am a foreigner too. It is actually because you are pretty." So what the hell? Photo opt for Vietnam and U.S. peace relations. I like the picture of me with this gentlemen because although you can't see it he is actually holding my hand. Hence my facial expression/surprised laughter. His friends also joined in the fun. The war was brought up (not by me, surprise, surprise) and apologies were made and accepted. Then one of the friends, a woman, asks me out of the blue, "哪一個which one?" Which really confused me, as it could mean anything. So after some clarification I realize she is talking about the guys and asking me which one I want. What kind of party is this? I sheepishly say I have a lunch date and that I must be on my way.



The rain started (and would not stop for the rest of my stay.)I meet up with my Australian friend, Zak in 西門町 XiMen Ding, a shopping area in Tabei. This place is actually really hip. Hip enough to make me feel under-dressed and old. Say whaaaat? But it was fun, I dance around in the rain, looked at mass amounts of shoes, was flattered by a sales woman into buying a mesh sweater (cute!), made some Taiwanese dudes blush, and then we decided to move into the "gay district" to grab some eats (I actually just drank beer.) Flirted with the HOT host (he was soooo looking at me, confirmed by my friend too) at the gay bar across the way. Then it occurred to me that he might be gay...and then like what? Do I look like a man? The answer is yes. I am about as manly as most Taiwanese dudes under 30. Ok...sorry that was a low blow. We find some stalls selling odds and ends. Fucking trendy ass jewelry. And those of you from PDX, so Portland it killed me and made me homesick. Would have held their own at most over-priced clothing boutiques in PDX and for sure at Last Thursday. And so I JUST HAD TO BUY SOME STUFF! Hanz and Emma you got some rad jewelry coming your way---handmade by some FABULOUS queens straight out of Taibei. Fuck yes. Made friends with these fellas. Tried hitting on the one in the black hat. Asked the boss, "他也喜歡男生嗎？So does he like boys too?" Answer, "maybe." Damn.



That night I hang out with a mixed Euro-crowd, tried to explain why Americans are bad at geography, drank a pint a whiskey and a couple bottles of Taiwan beer and THEN decided I want to go dancing. It might be because the Korean dudes showed up. Quite possibly the shiest people I have ever met but we went out anyway. So yeah, good men. I scared them half to death with my 活潑和我直接的個性 my liveliness and my very direct way of speaking. But thank the gods they took care of me (and REALLY REALLY could dance. I am done with that stereotype that Asians can't dance. Period. I promise!) But what transpired was naughty and more alcohol was added. Uh oh! Danced my ass off...saw a beautiful Taiwanese dude just watching me and not dancing at all. He looked slightly grumpy. So I point at him and dance my way over to him and then, he smiles. Alright. Next thing I know: making out, dancing, heading outside. Asking him if he is Tai Ke. “你是臺客嗎?” Tai Ke is a bit hard to explain,just suffice it to say they are the delinquents of Taiwan. Answer: "yeah." I am very excited by this. I try to make him eat breakfast with me. "Are you hungry? Lets eat together! Let me buy you some breakfast! You look too skinny you really ought to eat." I am getting his number. And then my Korean friends are like, "Oh no, uh, wait you aren't leaving with him are you?" Bless their hearts, they pull me aside and try to talk some sense into me. And then I turn around to try to finish getting sexy Tai Ke's number and he is GONE. The disapointment of my drunken ass was immense. The rest of the night consisted of more dancing, drinking, sitting with some drunken Taiwanese guys as they move in and out of consciousness outside the club “同學這個地方不適合睡覺嘛", feet hurt, cab back to the Hostel with Korean group, recap my night with the cab driver and cry. He gives me a discount on cab fare.

The next day I wake up late, head hurting, need COFFEE or I will kill someone. I am feeling less like I am heat than the day before. DAMN. Maybe getting ditched by sexy Tai Ke hurt the ego enough to calm my sex drive. Meet a friend at 龍山寺 Long Shan Temple. Settle for 7/11's coffee (in the most westernized city in Taiwan that actually does have good coffee. Somewhere? Just not near the temple so a little part of me dies.) Eat stinky tofu for breakfast. Thankful the fact that it isn't raining---that hard.

Part with my friend, feeling slightly like a rung-out rag. Decide to go by my lonesome to vist 臺北孔廟 Taibei Confucious Temple. It is raining pretty steady. Tempautre is cool. Portland's winter weather. Smells like Portland (with the stink of Taiwanese food and the poor sewage system added), feels like a Portland type of day, but the people and culture are not Portland. I walk around the temple, which althugh is quite beautiful and alive (folks praying and what not)I feel like a total outsider. It is like I put this temple in an aquarium and brought it into the local middle school, "observe class, this is a Chinese spiritual practice." Wax figures of Confucious, people holding insence sticks and bowing to shrines rich with fruit offerings, ringing of an oversized bell. I go and buy a hot coffee at "Confucious' cafe" (China's first teacher liked his coffee too I guess) and watch an older man feeding a squirrel nuts. He is watching me too---as if he wants to say something but isn't sure if I will understand. I want to talk to him too, but I am pretty sure that I will break out into tears because he really reminds me of my dad. And then I go into this little garden behind the temple and the rain continues and the cup of coffee is warming my hands just so...and this time I can't help myself, and I just cry. ALthough I am the only one in the garden besides a woman practicing Tai Chi, I try not to make it obvious that I am crying and just sorta let the tears roll down naturally (no crazy sobbing.) "Mom always said that this will make me feel better," I think to myself while I focus on the circular dragon-horse painting at the end of the bridge.

This is the first time yet I have felt homesick enough to cry in Taiwan. Before, when I considered going home early it was all because at that time I couldn't stand Taiwan. But this experience at a confucious temple was pure homesickness. I just wanted to be near friends and family. I wanted the USA. But most importantly Portland, OR. I want breakfast that kicks ass, art, friends, music, bridges, well fed, happy animals, clean air, liberal politics, well maintained sidewalks, community organizing, women's bookstore, park blocks, dive bars, ecentric people, interesting conversations, amazing local beer....and ok,you get it.



I return to the hostel, cold and wet (canvas shoes: not so good in the rain.) I decide to take a nap. The hostel is right next to a pretty large Buddhist temple, Shan-dao Temple 善導寺 so I am laying there listening to Buddist chants and pondering whether I ought to stay another year in Taiwan. Is this just in another honeymoon phase? Do I want to spend my life working with this language and culture? And I fall asleep and have this dream: My Taiwanese lover is moving out of his appartment (actually true) and leaving Kaohsiung and he tells me I should rent his apartment. I am like ok I am going to check it out. So I go there and it is this red hallway with orange lighting, rather dark. And I am walking up these stairs, floor after floor. And as I go the hallways and stairwells keep getting smaller and smaller. I finally get to his old room and I am crouched down (practically squating) and the door is about a foot and a half high. I am starting to feel clousterphobic but I still feel compelled to rant outloud, sort of like when I first got to Taiwan and was having very bad culture shock. I would just rant to anyone that would listen like a pissed off mad woman. Anyway, in my dream I go off saying, "I don't remember Taiwanese being this small. What the fuck is up with this? What if I 'big foreigner' wants to rent this room? If you want freakishly small rooms why not get your own damn building and call it 'small people's villa'?" And at the end of the dream I said to myself, "I am just too big for all this. I just don't fit." And I was focused on that when I woke up. I don't fit. And needless to say (maybe needless to say) my lover is of a normal man's proportions. And his door in real life is not 1 foot and a half tall.

I went to bed early that night. Spend the next day in the rain---wet and bored at more tourist sights. And then that night I meet the sexy Italian travel companion who wanted to go south. He is staying at the hostel because he is set to PHD research in Taibei. But he has a few days left of vacation so we decide to flee from the rain together.

A night spent in Kaohsiung and my Italian companion and I plan to meet at Kaohsiung mainstation at 9AM the next day. The plan is to go to Kending, a tropical beach paradise a couple hours south of Kaohsiung. But unfortunatly we are standing in the rain, it followed us south, reporting to each other that everyone we talked to advised us NOT to go to Kending. So what to do? This cab driver approaches me and asks if I am going to Kending and I tell him we are thinking of going to the Taroko Gorge 太魯閣. He was incredibly helpful, gave me a map,dirrects me to Hualian 花蓮, and told me to take the train because it was the best way. God bless Taiwan sometimes. What kind of cab driver tells you to take a train?

Called Taiwanese lover who said that it was too far to go to Hua Lian and that it was a bad idea. I told him that we were already on the train so it was too late. Rode the "fast" train (to be confused with with the HSR) for about 5 hours. Made it to HuaLian. Charming town, ate good sea food, drank some beer. Raining a bit still. But I told my travel companion that I think delusional thinking is the best, so I kept saying, "Can't wait until tomorrow's sunshine!"

And guess what? The next day was clear and sunny. Felt super accomplished this trip because I got to use the Chinese skills to get to places I had no idea how to go. I talked to information desk in Hua Lian about getting to a little town right in the middle of the Toroko Gorge called Tian Xiang 天祥. They helped me figure out what bus to ride, listed some hikes, and called for me to reserve a room at a hostel there. This was a success and a testament to the fact that maybe I can learn this language. To give it some perspective when I first got to Taiwan, I had trouble ordering a drink in Chinese. Coming along...coming along...慢慢來.

Took a bus along a winding mountian road much like the ones the US probably had back in the 50's, a bit unsafe and pretty narrow. And the bus if I remember right, was not an automatic. Saaaaay whaaaat? An hour and half later of the most amazing scenery I had seen in a looooongggg time, we arive Tian Xiang. Really rivals Columbia gorge! And I say that with confidence! Beautful...the pictures do no justice!!! For real. The pictures practically make the gorge look ugly. We stayed in a protestant church's hostel. It was created by a bunch of Germans. And it was the cutest place I have ever stayed. I had a thought of seeing if I could convert and just stay there forever. That would be sweet.

But I did eventually make it back to Kaohsiung. And for impulsive, one-woman journey to Taibei, my Chinese New Year didn't turn out half bad. Moral of the story: no canvas shoes in the rain. Also, still waiting on a dream interuptation. Any guesses?

PS-If these photos aren't showing up for ya'll please let me know. Thanks!

不好意思，我不會說英文！I am so sorry, I don't speak English.

A little bitch fest about ONE of the the MANY reasons studying Chinese in Taiwan can be frustrating.

I will sum it up in one sentence: "If I wanted to speak English with the locals I would have studied abroad in Sydney, Australia."

So, yeah, aside from this, is the fact that in Southern Taiwan people don't just speak Mandarin Chinese 國語 (the national language and the language which I am studying) they also speak Taiwanese 臺語. Taiwanese and Chinese are not two different dialects---they are two different languages. So that can be frustrating because one influences the other. For example in the south of Taiwan, where I live, most families exclusively speak Taiwanese in the home, because of this, when they speak Chinese they actually have a Taiwanese accent. In a word, when some Taiwanese (especially older folks) speak Chinese it doesn't sound like standard Mandarin Chinese.

But I can deal with this. I LOVE what we call Taiwan's GuoYu 臺灣國語, Taiwan's Mandarin Chinese. I see the use of Taiwanese as resistance of mainland China's government influence and it gives Taiwan it's special character. I truly love it. Also, Taiwanese sounds sexy to me. Hahaha. Most slang, swear words, and naughty sexy talk exists in Taiwanese. If you ask Taiwanese certain swear words, insults, slang, most can only think of how to say it in Taiwanese. I was just talking to a Taiwanese friend and he said he felt like in most situations with intense emotions (anger, love, passion...etc) Taiwanese is more appropriate to use. To him Taiwanese has more feeling. Also much of Taiwanese food is (surprise surprise) said in Taiwanese. If you use mandarin Chinese name to order the food you sound like a big tool---or a foreigner.

Hence why I really want to hurry up and learn Chinese so I can start learning Taiwanese. I have fallen in love with this island--and someone on this island who is not my EX!boyfriend---but that is another blog post altogether. 很復雜l嘍！I swear to god I will come back to the states---for a little while. But I keep dreaming about moving and making a life here.

Off topic! Back on topic: an annoyance and minor obstacle in learning Chinese: ENGLISH! Most all young Taiwanese learn English in school. God damn the fact I am from the world super-power. Damn you global hegemony!!!! Damn you economic imperialism and globalization! DAMN! These factors make my mother language, English, a hot commodity. And since this hot commodity can come out of my mouth, I become a hot commodity too. In fact American-English is truly a hot market. I have heard from many people that if you are an American finding a job teaching English is very easy because they "like our accent." AKA: since our country is powerful American-English is popular to learn. In fact I often see signs on cram schools that say 美語 Mei-yu and have an American flag on it. It literally means American-language. So yeah, there are a few (well-intentioned) Taiwanese that see me as an opportunity to practice English.

But here is my problem: I came to Taiwan just so I would be FORCED to use Chinese. I want to be in a Chinese speaking environment. It is one thing if I am doing a language exchange. I have a quite a few friends that I do this with; we speak half Chinese and half English. And since these folks and I have an agreement I feel that this is fair. These meetings are all very helpful for both parties and I enjoy them very much.

我的看法, the way I see it: We are in Taiwan, the national language is Chinese, I can speak Chinese, so unless you say up front you want to practice English we should speak Chinese on default. But it is not like that.

It is almost like some folks have the mindset that since I have this ability to speak 美語American English that I should share my talent. Here is one example out of many: I am at a bar with a friend (Taiwanese.) And we are speaking all in Chinese. And the bartender comes and talks to us. Then she asks us if we use Chinese or English to communicate. And we say Chinese. And then she is like why don't you have a language exchange...and he speaks English and you speak Chinese. But my question is why? My friend doesn't have my interest in using or improving his English and I am IN TAIWAN. This happens often. If I am speaking all Chinese with folks it is like it is viewed as a wasted commodity: American English. And another note about the exchange of me speaking Chinese and the other people speaking English: this really does not help any one's language skills. In fact my biggest problem in Chinese right now is my listening comprehension. It helps to hear and speak Chinese. HENCE why I came to a Chinese speaking country.

One look at my white face and the English just comes right out of their mouth. I have one friend who I meet at the track. And he uses random English phrases...intermittently with the Chinese. And when he uses English he speaks with like an uber-loud voice. So I am listening really intently to his Chinese and my brain is working really hard to understand and then ear-splitting non-sensiscal English comes out. Most of the time I really think it Chinese. So I will be like oh what does that mean? And then he will say it in Chinese and then I understand that he was actually speaking English and it sounded like, well, Chinese. For example the other day, he walks up and says, "you are too later." Which sounded a bit like Chinese "wu er tu le te" Nonsensical Chinese. 原來他的意思是 "妳來太晚." It turns out he meant "You came later than usual." I really am not a fan of this behavior. He has asked me a couple times to help him correct his English. But I told him that I really came to learn Chinese and prefer to speak Chinese. I left out the fact that he only says like 3 words at a time in "English" so it would be hard to correct this sort of "English." Sadly, the crazy English phrases continue.

But here is the deal. I have gotten empowered about using Chinese. I don't mind sharing my skills and helping folks with English but this is all in moderation. I am spending money and I am working hard to learn this language and I want to use it. I didn't move thousands miles away from everything I have ever known just to have a series of language exchanges. I can have language exchanges in the US, but I came for total immersion. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am putting it this way: you go to a foreign country to learn the national language, how would you feel if many of the people you meet insist on speaking to you in your mother tongue? So now I have a line: 《不好意思，我就是來臺灣只要說國語的。不過，我認識很多不會說國語的國際學生，我可以給你介紹認識他們。你可以跟他們你練習英語。》"I am sorry, I came to Taiwan just so I could speak Chinese. However, I know a lot of foreign students who can't speak Chinese, I will introduce you to them and you can practice English with them."

Because it is true. There are a lot of foreigners (ok not a lot, but in comparison to foreigners who want to learn Chinese) who come to Taiwan to study, teach English, etc...who don't have interest in learning Chinese. So I know that I am not the only opportunity Taiwanese folks have to practice English.

So here is my little ranty letter:

Dear well intentioned Taiwanese people,

Just because I am white does not mean that it is impossible for me to learn Chinese. Further more, I do not need you to help me translate. Your "English" is sometimes more confusing than if you talked to me in Taiwanese. If I don't understand something in Chinese you can actually use Chinese to explain what it means. Or just say it again a bit more slowly.

You can also use a normal volume of voice if you are inclined to talk to me English....I am not deaf. And if we have already had several functional conversations in Chinese, including topics of society and politics it feels a bit patronizing when you explain to me in front your friends what 女生 nu sheng "woman" or 牛肉麵 niu rou mian "beef noodles" mean in English. If I didn't know how to say beef noodles in Chinese I would have starved to death by now.

Please don't use the fact that you can speak English as a status symbol that you can show off. For example speaking to me all in Chinese until we are in a public space crowded with people. And then acting as if I need help ordering a drink. I don't need you to suddenly whip out the translation skills at the night market. Where were these translation skills when we were at your house and I was trying to figure out what 生理反應 "physiological reaction" was? Why do you suddenly want to have English conversations in public? This paragraph is especially dedicated to my ex-boyfriend.

I understand English is a skill that EVERYONE seems to want. It has become the "international language." And I personally feel bad about the globalization thing that makes English such a necessity. Really it is fucking bullshit. However, if you want to learn English please direct yourself to the nearest 補習班 "cram school" or find a foreigner who isn't a Chinese language student. They would be happy to have a local help them understand the culture and you would get to practice English.

***

Luckily these situations aren't even close to a majority. And most Taiwanese respect the fact that I want to learn Chinese. Therefore I am able to help them a bit with English but we use Chinese to communicate. This is the best.

In fact while writing this I had a funny experience that is opposite of what this blog post is about. Due to the fact that it is Chinese New Year all the tenants in the dorm have to leave, the sole exception being foreign students. So anyway, there is a knock on my door. And a woman looks at me with a blank, slightly bored face, lacking the "oh shit I should ought to be speaking English" expression and says, "You aren't Taiwanese are you?" She had no idea how much this made my day! I say, "No I am an exchange student." And she is like "ok, no problem."

So this is one of example of how it ought to be. Using Chinese with no apologies for not speaking to me in English. Just like it is for students who study in the US. No one in the US apologizes to Chinese exchange students because they can't speak Chinese. But that happens to me all the time here in Taiwan before I even open my mouth to say, "hey no problem, I can speak Chinese. And in fact I love to!"

I didn't know days like this were possible in Taiwan

I wake up next to a smiling face. I peer out the third story window to see a sunny day, blue sky, and Kaohsiung's landscape: hills, subway, apartment high-rises, clothes hanging out on the balconies to dry, the stray McDonald golden arch signaling that no one is safe from globalization. And I look to the windowsill and I notice the scratch paper I wrote "Live and Let Live" on is propped up catching the morning sun just so. A token saved from when I taught Hao Shu this English 成語 "idiom."

I go downstairs bracing my whole emotional-self for an awkward situation. I know Chinese culture is more conservative....shouldn't have spent the night...his mom will think I am a whore...I am corrupting her son...why do these foreign devils have to bring their immoral culture to Taiwan....just when my heart is getting ready to close off on the defense I think I hear my name. I am hearing my name---my Chinese name. And it is Huang Ma Ma (what I call my boyfriend's Mom, Huang is their surname) and she sounds just like every Mom I have ever heard calling loved-ones to eat. Granted it is different because my brain is working twice is hard to understand the language; but the feeling is exactly the same. She gives me 豆漿 soy milk with some kind of seasoning. And it really rocked my socks. She also gives me what I like to call Chinese bread because I don't know what it actually is. But is soft and white like bread...but NOT bread...more like an awesome roll of an insane texture. Then she insists on me trying on a pair of Nike shoes, they fit so she gives them to me. She said she worried my feet were cold because I was only wearing sandals.

Go to order a coffee and watch the woman at the counter's face go from fear, to relief (when I start ordering in Chinese) to amusement (as I probably sound a bit like a 4 year old ordering coffee and look like one as a drool over the chocolate cake in the desert case...then I proceed to do a little "I am happy to get coffee" dance).

I get home and go running in beautiful 60 degree weather with not a cloud in the sky. The track is bustling with life. I help folks retrieve run-away balls...and wave at the curious on-lookers and say hello. A young boy around the age of 8 comes bounding next to me. And I say, 比賽好不好？ How about a race? He happily yells 比賽！And he sprints ahead of me. 你真的贏了！You win! I say as I continue lap after lap. I get done and realize I finished 4 miles. My body feels good...and I look to the sky and thank the lord for my health.

I really never expected I would have a day like this in Taiwan. A day that nothing spectacular happens---just an ordinary day in life, but it is totally and utterly life-affirming. It makes me feel like myself. Like I am capable of loving and being loved. And that...that in itself is most important. When I was going trough my worst times here in Taiwan I was pretty sure my soul was dying. I think now that it is because I wasn't feeding my soul anything. I am so thankful now that I have come to a phase where I capable of opening my heart and getting some "soul food," if you will. I really will say it with emphasis now 我吃飽了！"I am full!"

我喜歡你的 T-Shirt: Quarterly Crazy English T-Shirt Update

So I had to change the name because weekly just ain't happening. Doesn't mean that I don't stop seeing strange English on people's shirts weekly it's just I don't have the time to post them. So maybe this will more quarterly...or monthly. We shall see. Enjoy!

"If you wanna be the man you gotta be black." On a Chinese man of course.

On bird says to another bird, "My cherished Companion." To which to the other bird replies, "Will you come?" Maybe my mind is just dirty...but that is strange is it not?

With a picture of crutches on the front, "Circus action does not copy from Jackass. Circus action is not Uncle McDonald." Kind of makes sense---I get it. The circus is the original Jackass right? None of that phoney...uh Uncle McDonald shit. Hey you leave Uncle McDonald out of this!

And on my awesome sweatshirt I just bought (Ero, it is awesome and I don't care if it signals the beginning of me turning Taiwanese!) with pseudo fur lining in the hood. Only $6 USD YO! Cheaply made and collects lint like a motha-fucka but I still love it, "Drug Speedy: didrciaisly differng." Can I buy a vowel please? Guess thats how you spell after using methamphetamine, I don't know. I am going to feel like an ass if this actually some language that I don't know...but if it is, and it does have meaning please do bring the humiliation/enlightenment and let me know.

我很喜歡吃中國菜。I Eat Chinese Food and Pigs Can Fly! Who Knew?

Well, I made it through my first major wave of culture shock-induced depression. 成功了! I just re-read my last post, not even a month old, and it occurred to me that I went off about how I will never find a man in Taiwan. Whoop whoop! So I guess pigs can fly and I like eating Chinese food. I recently met someone really special named 豪樹 Hao Shu (pronounced: how shoe) and we have been enjoying life in Kaohsiung together. So wonderful! The past month I have spent a lot of time in class, studying, and on a another note: too much time on face book. I am putting a daily 40 minute limit on that thing. Only at night and after all my work is done. New Years resolution y'all. Anyhow, besides my studying and face book I have been learning to enjoy and interact with my environment here...aka leaving my room sometimes.


So what have I been up to? EATING amazing and exotic food! This is just an over view of some of the food I have eaten recently. Basically only the stuff I have pictures of. Because it is all about the visual right? There will be more on the food later because I fucking love the food here. And this post coincides quite nicely with the fact that I am dating a Taiwanese man because a lot of euphemisms in Chinese deal with food. For example, 我很喜歡吃中國菜。"I like to eat Chinese food." Can mean I like Chinese food but it also means "I have an Chinese (Asian) persuasion." Same with, 我很喜歡吃西餐 literally "I like to eat western food” means you prefer to date the westerners. Or "炒飯 frying rice or fried rice" means to have sex. And yet another, "吃你的豆腐 eating some one's tofu" means touching them in a less-than-platonic manner. So anyway, I love eating Chinese food and I will give you a little introduction....of the actual food. Really, just the food. I am no Anthony Bourdain but here goes nothing...

臭豆腐 Chou Dou Fu "Stinky Tofu." Two words: FUCKING AMAZING. My favorite food in Taiwan so far. So yeah, it really does smell. But not like feces or anything like that. More like, uh? Rotting? Maybe. A fellow western gal I met in Taipei said it best, "it smells like the bottom of a barn. Like straw at the bottom of the pile that has retained a lot of moisture and is rotting." Yeah so, something like that. Yum? YUM! Trust me. Think stinky cheese---smells bad tastes good. So why is this tofu stinky? It is the way it is fermented. I am not an expert on the process and in fact I know nothing about it. I don't ask questions: I just eat (a very good strategy I have found.) But if you are interested good 'ol wiki can let you know whats up. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stinky_tofu Maybe you can make your own at home! There are two main types of Chou Dou Fu here in Taiwan, stewed and deep fried. I prefer the deep fried version. It usually comes with some sort of sweet and salty sauce drizzled on top, and pickled cabbage and other veggies on the side, sometimes garlic is included (my favorite!!!!). My breath smells like a dog's ass afterwards....but soooooooooo worth it. The picture here is of 麻辣臭豆腐 Ma La Chou Dou Fu or spicy flavored stinky tofu. Really pretty spicy. And I ordered medium spice. 豪樹 Hao Shu drank some of the soup in the bowl and was sweating for like 10 minutes afterwards. CRAZY! I didn't dare try it. Remember kids: what is hot going in, is even hotter coming out.

豬血糕 Zhu Xie Gao "Pig's blood cake." When I say cake here I don't mean a sweet one, however, it really is made of pig's blood. Pig's blood and rice. There are variations on this type of cake that depends on what kind of animal the 老闆 boss is killing and/or selling. I have also eaten 鴨血糕 Ya Xie Gao, duck's blood cake. However pig's blood seems more popular. These little cakes are everywhere! I ate them for a week before I found out they had blood in them. Really you would never know it has blood in it unless someone told you. My Taiwanese friend, 栗子 Li Zi was like, have you ever tried pig's blood cake before? And I am like, why no I haven't, sounds awesome, let's eat some. When the infamous pig's blood cake arrives at the table I look at it and go, these things!?!? Shiiiiit, I have been buying these puppies from the 7/11 since I got here. Hot damn! Blood huh? Who knew? For real you can buy these all hours of the day at 7/11 if you happen to live in Taiwan. I love these cakes. Their texture is amazing! How does one explain that? Like SPAM...yeah...like SPAM. Not a whole lot of flavor on its own. That is why it is usually covered in some sort of sauce or marinated and fried. They are blackish in color and come in a block about 8 by 3 inches and about 2 inches thick. Lots of time they are cut up, like the one pictured, and boiled in some kind of stew, this process is called 鹵味 lu wei. The one pictured also had a boiled egg. And I have a sneaking suspicion these puppies are high in iron so I eat them a lot when I am on the rag. And some of you are like, "Whoa too much information, TMI." But I am now in a country where talking about your period with men, unlike so many other things, is NOT taboo and totally acceptable. Whoo-hoo! So yeah, my new favorite PMS food.

蚵仔煎 E Ah Zhen “Taiwanese Oyster Omelette" Nothing makes me miss working my breakfast shift waiting tables at Marco's cafe more. These omelettes hold their own---but for the record do not compare to the breakfast goodness of Portland, Or...especially my dear Marco's. But the Taiwanese Oyster Omelette, to its credit, is not a breakfast food. You will get laughed at if you ask your Taiwanese friend to take you to eat one before 7 pm (I have tried.) This is a night market food and you use the Taiwanese (as opposed to Mandarin Chinese) name to order it, sounds like Uh-Ah-Juhen. It is a traditional Taiwanese dish and it is---slimy. But pretty delicious. This was my former favorite Taiwanese food, that is until I tried stinky tofu. It has bean sprouts, oyster (word on the street is you can also have shrimp), lettuce, this crazy white cheese-like substance, and covered in this pseudo-ketchup goodness. I hate ketchup in the States, and while this sauce is tomato-based , it has some real flavor and a bit of spice. As for the white substance, you never seem to get a straight answer from a Taiwanese as to what it is. In fact, they look kind of uncomfortable that you are asking. Hence my new policy: no asking, just eating. The closest I have gotten to an answer is it starts as a powder and ends as this cheesy stuff. However, if anyone would like to fill me in on the white stuff and what it is made of feel free. Or, if it is terrible...don't tell me. I still want to enjoy this dish. I think of it like American cheese. You know those squares of "Kraft singles" craziness? If a European comes to the U.S. and is like what the fuck is this shit? I can't actually tell them it is cheese can I? So I am like...uh, "starts as oil and comes out like this." Bon appetit!

蛇肉跟蛇血 She Rou gen She Xie "Snake meat and snake blood."

Awww yeah! This is the food that makes me feel like such a bad-ass. All those times those gardener snakes that gave me a fright: pay back is a bitch. No, I am kidding. I don't get any sick feeling of revenge eating snake meat...no more than I get eating chicken. The blood of snake is served mixed with some kind of alcohol, most likely Chinese rubbing alcohol, the name I use for Chinese "white liquor" 白酒. I think it also had Cardamom pods in it but I am unsure of what they were. They could have been the snake's testicles for all I know. It reminded me of a very strong, non-fruity, thick, version of Sangria. What does THAT even mean? Had a hint of cinnamon and spice. Anyway, afterward it really did make me feel euphoric. Think: a cleaner, longer lasting, less intense version of cocaine. God! That is a terrible reference! My only frame of reference for that is the Eric Clapton song, ok? Anyway, it made feel energetic and high at the same time. On top of it all, I went home and had an intriguing conversation using pretty simple Chinese (as it is our only medium of communication) with my Vietnamese roommate about the Vietnam War. Don't worry U.S.A. I, Katie Johncock apologized on our behalf. We didn't sign a treaty or anything...but hey, don't discount the small acts of diplomacy y'all. She told me her Grandpa was part of the Vietcong. And now we are roommates, friends, and use Chinese to communicate! How crazy-cool is that?

As for the snake meat. Well...not bad. And now I am going to use a very famous cliche: tastes like chicken. Sorry to cop out on that one, but it really did taste like chicken. But truly it was mostly bone---60% bone. And this is where I had to resist my mom's well-intentioned socialization. There are some parts of animals that we American's just won't eat. For real. What's the point? we say. But Chinese folks, well, they fear not the bones. In Taipei I once watched a very petite, lady-like Taiwanese woman eating 肯德基 KFC and she truly sucked a chicken wing dry. I am not kidding. I was so fucking impressed. They really eat parts of animals that I always considered part of bone---or something like that. Non-edible yo! So props to Chinese culture: waste not want not! So when I put my first bite of snake in my mouth I really heard the voice your mom uses when you are a toddler, "don't put that in your mouth! We don't eat that!" I say to 豪樹 Hao Shu, "Uh, 什麼吃法?" How the fuck do you eat this? The answer, "just bite it." I watch as he starts spitting bones on the lid of the bowl the snake is served in. 入境隨俗 When in Rome...You even bite the snakes spinal cord, eating whatever meat (nerves?!) are in that, and spit out each vertebrate. As expected, Hao Shu is a pro at it and I look a bit like a 2 year old struggling to eat Cheerios with her hands. So yeah...I guess my final verdict would be eating snake meat might be more trouble than it is worth. But maybe not, due to the bad-ass factor. Yeah that's right! I ate snake meat and then spit out the bones. Word up! Hence the picture of me looking like I am concentrating, I am trying not choke on or swallow bone. I had a bout of diarrhea the next morning, but thanks to more of mama's wonderful socialization I had useful meds for that! A half-hour and one latte later any discomfort was gone.

雞爪 Ji Zhua "Chicken Feet."

Yes, actual chicken feet. I am told there are two type of chicken feet one with bone and one without. These particular chicken feet didn't have bones. I was so perplexed on how to eat these things. If they had bones I would have been ultra-confused. But I imagine it's a bit like eating snake meat. They are covered in a sweet and spicy sauce. This particular Chinese food is one that most westerners (as well as some Taiwanese) feel are disgusting because they are considered dirty. Shit, they probably are dirty! They are fucking chicken feet! But hey...you are talking to a girl who drunkenly ate a french fries that someone dropped in the stairwell. Remember that Hannah? So yeah, I have no fear of such things. But it was when I kissed the chicken foot that I started to feel a bit funny. The finger (claw?) moved a bit and that was like, oh shit! Poor chicken. Then I started to think about how many claws are in the box...damn that's a lot of chickens. If was almost like PITA activist were standing right next to me. Anyway, at this point the chicken claws were cold as we had changed locations so Hao Shu and I could (romantically?) drink Taiwan beer and eat chicken feet next to the ocean. He ate one first and it made a crunching noise...mmm, delicious (this English word is quite possibly best said with a Chinese accent). Ok dude, the crunching-noise really freaked me out. But I went for it! I ate one whole one. I can't lie and say I liked it. I am not that bad-ass. However, it wasn't awful. I spit out the nails because despite what Hao Shu says, they are not soft enough to swallow....I am not Chinese. I ate another, just a piece of one (the leg and not so much the claw) and it went better as I didn't have to deal with the nails. I am going to try chicken feet one more time---when they are hot. Verdict: I am all for waste not want not...but I think I would only happily enjoy this dish during a famine.

That's all I got for you now. I am aware that I only have the freaky shit to tell you about. In general I am eating campus-made 便當盒 lunches of rice and some kind of meet. Or I go off campus and eat dumplings or beef noodles. All good (even the campus stuff is not so bad) but not so exotic! But in all honesty, if it were more convenient, I would eat stinky tofu every day!