"Why does this departure screen say my plane leaves at 8:55?" I say after three mojitos and delicious Mac and Cheese (my last meal in the states) I though I read 11:11 pm? Looking at printed itinerary. FUCK! That's when I arrive in L.A. not when I leave PDX! FUCK FUCK FUCK! What time is it Micah (thanks so much for seeing me off bear)? 8:25. I have to go!
What stands in my way of getting Taiwan? Besides my stoner-esque mistake: The Transportation Security Administration. TSA---administrating "security" and hysteria better than the fucking KGB. So I follow the procedure....getting barefoot, traying my belongings. Grumbling...."Ma'am you need to take out your laptop," says the old gentleman. My bag is sitting on top of the x-ray machine...I go to grab it out. Ma'am do not touch the bag!" a woman snaps at me. "I am sorry but I thought was just instructed to do so." I reply only a little annoyed...mostly just worried about missing my plane. "You should have done so before hand...once it goes through it belongs to us." And then the old gentleman adds with a cackle, "And its 1000 lashes for leaving it in your bag...hahaha." I think in my head...I might actually enjoy that sir. I'm a freak. "With all due respect sir, I would not be fucking surprised if that's how you all operated." We all laugh...we are in Portland after all. My stuff goes through with no further problems. As I am leaving the woman says to me, "You ought to work for us...you make assumptions like we do." (whatever that means) I reply as I run off..."I don't know about that, I will never work for the man."
Now, if there is a hell, it is the L.A. international airport. Seriously. I get off the plane into a hall that looks like an abandoned hospital...no signs. Long story short...I had no fucking clue where to go...and neither did most of the people who got off the flight. I find a woman helping a traveler in a wheelchair and she was able to tell me the general direction. So I get to this big door that says international flights. It looks like sheep lined up for slaughter. Then I noticed the international flights sign says they are the third floor and says to take elevator....with an arrow that truly pointed nowhere.
I finally find my gate...and at that point the women that work for China Airlines took care of me. THEY ARE AMAZING. This is where I give a huge shout out to China Airlines, "我愛你們。” (I love you all!) They got me hooked up with both my boarding passes to Taibei and Kaohsiung and helped me find my gate. Then I get another encounter with TSA. This time I the wiser. The extremely sexy and sweet TSA worker asks me if I have my laptop out. "Yes, I got threatened with a 1000 lashes in PDX for not taking it out, so I know whats up." I then come through the metal detector, looking like Tuh-duh, my arms all akimbo. I ask sexy man if I am through (I was hoping for 1000 lashes :-) ). "You are all set," he smiles. "Darn...that was fun! I could spend a little more time with you my friend."
The rest of my flight was awesome because I was in hands of goddess mothers (aka China Airlines stewardesses). But I must tell one more story of my plane adventure. I arrive in Taibei early in the morning and their are very few travelers. I get to my gate and it is enclose by a glass wall with a door...so I try to open the door and it is locked. The man behind the glass stoically points to the way I came and then up. I give him a thumbs up...but I am fucking confused. So I turn around and I see one lone person...a woman who is very clearly janitorial staff. Maybe its just me but in the states, janitorial staff aren't the folks you ask for help finding your gate. Plus, I was not sure if she spoke either Mandarin or English. But she sees me and comes up to me speaking Mandarin and pointing wildly. She smiles. I understand most of her directions but it is very clear that I have a lot of questions for her. She was surprised that I could ask questions in Mandarin. And then she says the most endearing thing you can say, "我陪你去。” But she said...I will accompany you there. My heart just melted. Maybe she could sense that my dad has been in the janitorial business. My first interaction in Taiwan: riding the moving walkway with this woman chatting in Chinese. Sounds so small but it means a lot to have a little bit of love when you step into a foreign country.
I love Taiwan. 我愛臺灣！
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